Relapsing

[Nevermore]

So I weighed myself with clothes on. I now weigh 105 lbs with clothes on. I feel so happy I lost weight. I feel so happy I'm eating less. I tried eating meat, and I got so sicvk from it, because my stomach wasn't used to it. It seems like I'll do anything to be thin. I really want to reach my goal weight, which is the end of this week 103 lbs with clothes on. I really want to at some point weigh 88 lbs or at least in the 90s. I know that's terrible to think. I know I need to stop and change my mind, but I can't. I should seek help, but I don't want to. I mean part of me does, but the other half is, no I need to be thin. I know if I seek help I will put on weight, and right now that's the last thing I want. I am planning on exercising more, so I can lose even more. I'm sorry for the unneccessary rant. Even though part of me loves he weight loss, another part doesn't enjoy it. Not only that, but my stomach hurts so badly when I start eating so I'm just skrewing up my body even more. I'm destroying it, and I don't know what to do. I don't want it to be destroyed, yet I want to be thin. I know I probably contradicted myself, and I apologize, however I just really don't know what to do anymore.

[Sapphire]

This may sound cruel but it is a good sign that you are conflicted about what you want to do. It shows that a part of you, no matter how big or small, does actually want to be happy and healthy.

Is there anything else that you haven't mentioned which is stopping you from seeking help?
What do you think it would be like if you reached out to people for help with this?

[Nevermore]

I guess my parents, I mean I'm 85% sure they know. However it's sort of taboo to have problems, and I'm afraid about bringing it up. Plus I don't want to hurt them. If I brought up that I had another problem, I think my parents would go crazy. They are trying to cope with me self harming, and other mental problems I've been recently diagnosed with.

I think if I reached out, I'd be hospitalized. I'm fearful of that. I also am fearful of weight gaining. I can't do it. I want there to be less and less of me as possible.

[Sapphire]

What are the things you could gain from seeking help?
What positives can you see?

Your parents sound like they honestly care about you. If you reach out to them, they can help support you. But if you carry on like this then you are only going to hurt yourself and them more. This is not something that will get better on its own, you need help.
Getting help is not easy and it can cause more hurt to begin with. But it is worth it as after some time has passed, you will have started to heal.

You would only get hospitalised under certain extreme circumstances. It is not something that they routinely do with people who have certain/lots of problems.

Nothing worth having in life is easy. I know that it is terrifying to even think about facing some of your demons but it is so worth it.

[Nevermore]

Me not losing hair. Not feeling tired all the time. Not hurting others. Maybe if it's possible being able to eat and it not hurting my stomach.
They do care about me sometimes, I think.
Thank you for helping me.
It is very terrifying, but you're right. I think I will seek help eventually, I just can't do it right now. I'm not motivated, and I can't seem to face seeing the scale with a weight gain. I'm sorry. : ( I know I will try to get help in the future. I just don't think I can right now.

[Fiction]

You really need to stop. Weighing less than you do now isn't nice, and i'm sure you know that. I understand it's a hard obsession to break but please don't loose anymore weight. I weighed 96lb at one point and it wasn't pretty, although i know i still wanted to weigh less :/

[Syvelocin]

^ I have to second that about it not being pretty. My first look at myself in the mirror at 5st was enough to half wake me up alone. Of course, that's pretty small for someone taller than me to get to, but it's still pretty bad. I didn't look like I even belonged here, more like I was some kid in Africa with malnutrition. Make it so you never have to worry about it getting that out of hand. You're 5' 4" or something like that right? 88 is far too low hun. It's underweight for even my height.

[Sapphire]

It is very good that you can see positives to getting better :) Hold on to them, keep them close.
You do have to be ready to accept help before anyone can help you so waiting until you are ready is ok.
The sooner the better though - otherwise it could be too late.

In the meantime, try to eat beans as part of your diet and maybe take multi-vitamins each day. The vitamins do not make you put weight on but they do help keep your body functioning as good as possible.

[georgiamay]

Ok, so this might sound harsh, but eventually, you'll get help, whether it's voluntarily or not. I have a friend that used to be anorexic (with bulimic tendancies) and once she got out of the hospital, she said that anyone with an eating disorder either ends up on a feeding tube, or ends up with people noticing, and you get forced into therapy.

Both sound like pretty bad ultimatums if you ask me. Wouldn't you rather get the help now? Because if you don't, you'll either end up in hospital or being forced into therapy, and I'm sure it'd be nicer to go to therapy because you want to get better, not because you were forced.

I'm sorry if that sounded harsh, but I think it's pretty accurate.

If you need anything, just drop me a PM, I'm always here :hug3: