What's wrong with me?

[screamtobeheard]

I went to bed last night, just hoping I wouldn't wake up. And I woke up this morning wishing I was dead. I don't want to die, I just don't want to live anymore. I don't even know why, but I just feel terrible. I was sitting here and I just started crying. I guess I'm stressed or something, but I either feel terrible or I feel nothing. I'm not even sure if I actually am still alive. I just don't feel right. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I just don't know what to do right now.

[Sapphire]

Amanda, have you spoken with anyone else about this?
What is stressing you out?

You deserve to be happy. Everyone does.
But sometimes we can't do it on our own and, while it isn't easy to carry on in a state of misery, it takes more strength to ask for the help that we so desperately need. Admitting that we need help can be really scary. It can lead to some more difficulties in the short term but it is worth it in the long term.

[ackmedsgirl666]

i think that if something is truly bugging you inside i would speak to someone like a professional and u might feel better this way not more stress or suicidal urges

[screamtobeheard]

I haven't spoken with anyone about it...I don't know who I could, to be honest.
I guess I'm just stressed by school and swimming (I swim competitively) and work and my increasingly strange eating habits and trying to hide them from my friends. It can just kind of get to be a lot sometimes, especially pulling straight As in honors and AP classes. I don't even know half the time. Thank you both for your input.

[Sapphire]

That is a lot.
Would it be possible for you to lessen your load a bit? Can you speak with your parents about feeling strained with everything you have on your plate and work out a plan that will ease the stress?

Why not make an appointment with a counsellor?
There should be a counselling service you can access for free through the school or something.
The sessions are confidential and that can only be broken if you have explicitly expressed a plan to harm yourself or others. Things like disordered eating do not warrant a breaking of confidentiality.
It can feel good to have at least one person to talk things over with.

[screamtobeheard]

I don't think there's really anything I can do to lighten up my load, but it probably wouldn't hurt to try. My parents tend to get a little testy, and my mom would probably just yell at me if I mentioned being stressed, though.

I do see my school counselor once a week; the problem is, I'm just afraid to tell her anything. She told me about the confidentiality thing, but I'm still terrified she'll tell someone. Or judge me. I don't want to be judged because of everything. :/

[Sapphire]

I'm glad you are seeing someone. Please pluck up the courage to speak with her about things like this. She won't judge you and she won't tell anyone unless she absolutely has to to ensure your (or other people's) safety.
She really can help you deal with things better if you let her.

[screamtobeheard]

Alright. (: Thank you so much for all your advice.

[Cryofthewolf]

Hey, I see that Sapphire and SheDevil have given you advice already, and it is very good advice indeed.

I just wanted to say that I have felt the same way you have before. I too have felt the wish to just not wake up one day, to just be free from everything in the world. I at one time took a lot of medication with alcohol (I take medication anyways, and I just took a few extra pills) and hoped I wouldn't wake up. I've been there, and I know how you feel. Like our fellow posters said above, definitely don't be afraid to talk to somebody. My guidance councilors in high school got me through so much, and I trust them to this day. They will definitely help you and they definitely don't judge students, no matter what their problems are.

Maybe find a good time to sit down with your mother and let her know how you feel. There won't ever be a perfect time to tell her something this important, but it is important that she knows if there ever happens to be a chance where you might hurt yourself. Try explaining to her your situation when she isn't busy or stressed.

Also, if you really feel like you are on the verge of hurting yourself, don't be afraid to go to the hospital. I once reached a point where I told myself that enough is enough, and that I need to help myself. I went to a psych ward for a week and came out with a whole new lease on life. I'm not going to lie, it's not the most fun place you will ever be, but the staff at these places are there because they want to help people on precarious places in their lives.

Now I'm not saying that you are at that point, but if you do get there, a week in a psych ward is better than a life taken too soon. If you ever need to talk to somebody and there isn't anyone to talk to, send me an e-mail or find me on Facebook (Don't have private messaging yet). I'll listen to whatever problems you have and do my best to help.

Hang in there. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[screamtobeheard]

Thank you so much for all your advice. I'll definitely work on trying to work up the courage to talk to them about it. I'm just honestly afraid to. Thank you for your support as well. Strange as it may seem, it means so much.

[TheMatrix]

i felt similar. that was last year, after the finals. i got an.......f, on my math final. my parents were pissed, and they grounded me(what a surprise). i thought i should kill myself. but obviously i didn't, or i wouldn't be posting right now.

just take a deap breath. think of a good time, for example, watching a great movie with your friends.
then sleep on it. eventually you'll forget. then one day you'll look back on that day and say, 'wow, was that ever strange'.

hope this works. :)