DrkZ90
December 8th, 2010, 09:36 PM
so yeah, despite some more attempts (Which left me with a sore neck and back...) I'm still alive...
I've started to be a bit more careless and taking more risks, specially towards my sexuality... I decided that I will end up killing myself someday, and that I don't want to die being a virgin, so I might just as well fuck whoever wants to.
Although that's where the problem and the "getting more hurt" comes in. Most people I've been hooking up with online will just quite literally run away when they see me (i.e. they see my face in cam) which has been really hurting my self esteem... it was already bad enough, but being turned down like that by guys who just wanna fuck? well it is destroying whatever was left of it.
So I guess I'm so fucking ugly that I'm not even worth as a one-night stand, let alone worth anyone's time and effort in a relationship... not lovable and definitely not fuckable... I'm once again, sitting in bed, with scissors and somewhat-sturdy cables, wondering why I still haven't got around buying a gun, and what else is left for me to even try to stay alive.
On top of that whole deal, I'm ill, which of course makes me feel worse because I don't even have enough strength for anything, not even taking my own life right now... and my granddad (dad's father) has been very ill the last week+... medics say it's a miracle he is still alive, because they didn't think he will make it past the first day, he is still very ill, and nobody knows what will happen... my dad has been very upset and overall bad about it. I'm not very close to him (I'm not close to anyone), but still the whole situation affects me.
I've started to be a bit more careless and taking more risks, specially towards my sexuality... I decided that I will end up killing myself someday, and that I don't want to die being a virgin, so I might just as well fuck whoever wants to.
Although that's where the problem and the "getting more hurt" comes in. Most people I've been hooking up with online will just quite literally run away when they see me (i.e. they see my face in cam) which has been really hurting my self esteem... it was already bad enough, but being turned down like that by guys who just wanna fuck? well it is destroying whatever was left of it.
So I guess I'm so fucking ugly that I'm not even worth as a one-night stand, let alone worth anyone's time and effort in a relationship... not lovable and definitely not fuckable... I'm once again, sitting in bed, with scissors and somewhat-sturdy cables, wondering why I still haven't got around buying a gun, and what else is left for me to even try to stay alive.
On top of that whole deal, I'm ill, which of course makes me feel worse because I don't even have enough strength for anything, not even taking my own life right now... and my granddad (dad's father) has been very ill the last week+... medics say it's a miracle he is still alive, because they didn't think he will make it past the first day, he is still very ill, and nobody knows what will happen... my dad has been very upset and overall bad about it. I'm not very close to him (I'm not close to anyone), but still the whole situation affects me.