I can't seem to care about dying anymore?

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

I fully realize that eating below 300 calories a day is dangerous, and will cause my organs to shut down which will eventually kill me. I know all of this full well, I just can't bring myself to care at all.
I've been pigging out for four days now, put on three pounds so I've decided to eat 260 calories a day from now on.

I hate food, I hate what it's done to me. But I hate myself most of all. I rather starve than eat healthy. I don't deserve to eat anyway. Who wants to see a fatass stuffing their face? Nobody.
I don't want to feel guilty anymore for eating that donut, I don't want to feel guilty for eating 600 calories or potentially 1000 which just terrifies me.

I've tried purging but I just can't do it. I want to starve. I don't care if I die anymore.

[Rutherford The Brave]

Do you know what people see when they see what you do? The don't see what you think, they see what everyone else sees. That's someone who needs to eat, or else they will suffer. No one is going to give two shits if you eat a piece of fried chicken over a apple. What they are going to care about is, is this girl eating? Why is she not eating? Thats so sad... Don't her parents know? If you see things from that angle it totally changes it. I know, I keep battling the same thing. However, I've convinced myself to think that I am mad skinny and need help and that everyone else knows that. Im getting better I must say. But seriously, you need to start caring or it will get painful and it wont be a fun way to go.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

I know what you mean.. But I don't look skinny in the least... I'm not overweight, I'm normal but when I see a skinny girl looking at me as I eat some mashed potato's or chips, I know how disgusted they are. I dont' want to be the center of their disgust. I only have two friends who know that I'm not eating anymore. One of them started crying when I told her I didn't care if my organs shut down and I feel terrible about that but I can't stop. I can't make myself eat over 1000 without feeing like a fatass. I carved 'fatass' and 'fat' into my arm three times so everytime I wanted to eat something, I could look at it and know what I am and every reason I shouldn't.

I want to stop. I don't want anybody on here to think that I'm trying to stay like this. But I really don't know how to stop. I can't get help, I don't even know if I would follow the help. This was my last stop before isolation, I don't know if I should even tell my friends. I should just tell them that I'm eating so they won't worry. That sounds better than the truth.
I don't know anymore. But I do take all the advice on here that I can, I did call a doctor and I am trying to eat more. I ate a lot today. Though everytime I eat a lot, I fall right back into dieting only I restrict my calories more serverly as punishment or compensation.

It's a battle I can't win.

[Rutherford The Brave]

Let me ask what do you feel comfortable in eating the most, like what group of foods.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

I feel the most comfortable eating diet food. Special K meal bars and diet soda. But only one meal bar a day because they have 170 calories and that's a lot. It didn't used to be a lot though...
Back when I didn't have so many food problems.

[Rutherford The Brave]

You should quit counting calories. Your only lying to yourself. You give yourself these outragous standards that you probably cant hit so when you find this out you go into this state of mind where your a wreck.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

I can't stop. I ate a donut this morning, just one. Spent the next fifteen minutes googling how many calories are in a donut. Ended up cutting 170 calories from my diet to try and fit the donut in without going over, ended up pigging out on vanilla ice cream and hershey syrup when I got home, than had some fried rice and bourben chicken at eight.

That has to be like 1500-2000 calories for today. I'm going to gain about three pounds thanks to that little adventure.

I keep a food diary on Medhelp.com to track what I'm eating and how many calories go into it. Other than that I'm constantly using the calculator on my phone, adding up numbers, subtracting calories, trying to fit foods in without overeating.
I'm addicted to it.

[Rutherford The Brave]

Realistically, what can I do to help you break this addiction then?

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

I don't know really... I don't even know how to help myself. =\

[Fiction]

I seriously know how you feel. You could be explaining my feelings there. The things is, we have to care for other people. How ever much we don't care about ourselves, or think that no body cares about us there is always someone. Sometimes people who you don't even think about but everybody you know will be effected. We have to care for them, and we have to get better for them.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

But how can we do that?
Without help?
I thought that telling somebody would grant me the help I need, but it didn't do anything.
It's like they blew it off.

"You're starving yourself?"
"Yeah.."
"You should eat that's not healthy."
"I know but I feel guilty when I do. I don't know what to do."
"You're silly."

T.T


(I had a conversation that went exactly like that.

[Myna]

Hey you know that it's all up to you. Nobody can tell you to wake up you do it on your own. People can only suggest something to you. And if you can't find a reason to do it on your own then do it for the person you care about the most.

It ain't over till it's over so bring it on

I also find it weird how America still focuses on skinny being better than normal and fat because it's really not. And the market just emphasizes this with all their diet products. But even models who were the skinniest are not that skinny anymore and actually quite normal. I would honestly just laugh if a skinny bitch is looking at you while you're eating because in a few years she'll regret it.

But if this gets too serious I would recommend seeing a docter
Have a nice day

And I don't know if you are interested but I know a girl in the UK who might be able to help.


Please do not double post, use the edit function instead - Syvelocin

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Yeah I know, at this point I'm thinking I'm going to need help. I mean, I can go a day where I eat, but it's usually impulsively. I don't wake up and plan to eat normal/healthy, It just happens. A craving will strike and I won't be able to stop myself from eating it. I usually then spend about 15 minutes searching for the calorie content of that particular food and than burning it off. Right now I would love a few cookies but I can't. I'll probably end up impulsively eating some later on though. =\

I don't know if it's bad that I can't go more than a few hours eating normally.

[BeautifulDisaster]

That's what happens when you starve yourself/restrict excessively. Your brain sends signals to crave anything & everything in sight. It means your body is malnourished.

[Fiction]

But how can we do that?
Without help?
I thought that telling somebody would grant me the help I need, but it didn't do anything.
It's like they blew it off.

"You're starving yourself?"
"Yeah.."
"You should eat that's not healthy."
"I know but I feel guilty when I do. I don't know what to do."
"You're silly."

T.T


(I had a conversation that went exactly like that.

Not many people understand what it's like. I've had conversations like this with my bf before. I suggest you tell someone who can help you properly, like a councellor or doctor.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

That's what happens when you starve yourself/restrict excessively. Your brain sends signals to crave anything & everything in sight. It means your body is malnourished.

How do Anorexic's get through that though?
When I get cravings, it's difficult to ignore them. Mainly because I'm an impulsive eater. I eat without thinking sometimes even if I planned out my whole meal for the day and had followed the diet. At the end of the day if I see chocolate (I love chocolate more than anything) I'll impulsively eat some then feel really guilty.
Is it weird to crave salty foods even if you hate salt?


Fiction:

If it gets any worse I'll start looking for a therapist. My old doctor is only a counsler* and she doesn't think she knows enough to help me. It's so hard to find a good doctor down here though, their all wack jobs!
One doctor I had was hispanic, and she scolded and lectured me because I couldn't speak Spanish... I live in America for one.... These people here are crazy.

[BeautifulDisaster]

Anorexics tend to carry on restricting, but if they do give in to their cravings, they may still be under the RDA, but higher than what they are used to. Or they may purge what they crave on. Everyone is different, so I can't say for sure. Or, they ignore their cravings & their body eventually will collapse & they may be put into hospital to be stabilized.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Oh I see, well I actually think I'm doing better. =) I want to set a new calorie limit to 1154 because I would still lose weight and be healthy. I can't really ignore my hunger to well so this is a good start. Though I know that I'll probably end up lowering to 800 at some point, but I'm not going to worry about that, I'm going to focus on heightening it to 1154 where it's not dangerous.

[Fiction]

That's good :) Well Done :)

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Yeah, I'm going to try. The only problem is I keep feeling guilty. Wanting to compensate by eating less than 300 tomorrow and all week. I'm trying not to.
I think I started wanting to stop this last night. I had three slices of cheese pizza than left with my friend to go purge. I tried really hard, but I couldn't get far enough plus I'd freak out. I hate the feeling that I'm going to throw up.=\

[Fiction]

It's a good thing you aren't purging. Purging is horrible I started that a while ago and when it got to the point where i was purging in burger king toilets I thought that it really had to stop, so I did. I found it pretty easy to stop purging but not everybody is so lucky so you really don't want to start that. It's a horrible habit.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Well I actually can't seem to do it right. It takes me a million tries and I can never seem to get deep enough. I don't think it's for me. =p

[Fiction]

That's a good thing.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Yeah I would have to agree. =) So are you eating any more at all? Last I checked you were pretty thin.

[Fiction]

This is your thread :) We should try not to go off topic and conversations within threads are against the rules :P If you want to talk about anything else you should use the pm or vm facilities :)

[wiip]

well done for improving! If you do have a bit of a gorge on some of your cravings, just try and remember how fleeting life is, and so we might as well just enjoy ourselves while we can. Because, when we're dead, are people's opinions going to affect us?!?

Veering away from the morbid, if that doesn't work, try doing a little exercise as soon as you pig out- just some press ups or something, just until it gets a little to strenuous, and then you'll feel like you've actually done something constructive, actually fought back at the fat. Always works for me!

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

I try to do that. I exercise for 30-60 minutes a day. But I always know how many calories I'm burning by that exercise so usually I feel bad for not burning them all off. I don't know, tomorrow is a slimfast breakfast, 70 calorie soup lunch, 3 cookies (maybe) if not it's a special k bar or more soup. Makes a 410-580 calorie day.
Always compensating and calorie counting. It's annoying.=\ I don't know how people do this for so long. I haven't counted this much ever, I mean I've always counted but I've never limited it so low, so it was never to difficult.