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View Full Version : Rate my prologue?


Red Canary
December 5th, 2010, 07:31 PM
Hey, this is a prologue to a book I'm probably going to write. If you aren't interested in reading more, then I have work to do, or maybe even find something else to write about. Please tell me what you like about it, hate about it, whatever. Thanks.

The cool silver blade slid so easily into my flesh, as if it was butter. Not long after, the expected hot pain, searing into my skin. The warm flood of blood caressed soft skin, worked its way around to the bottom of my arm and dripped onto the once white carpet. Just another stain. Another slash across the wrist. Careful, veins are dangerous. Not like I care anyways. Another slash. Another. Another. I don’t think I can stop this time. The blood is everywhere, spreading down my wrist, to the floor that’s just waiting for another taste. It’s like a hunger, I need more pain. I need it.

Amnesiac
December 6th, 2010, 12:56 AM
The cool silver blade slid so easily into my flesh, as if it was butter. Not long after, the expected hot pain seared into into my skin. The warm flow of blood caressed my soft skin; it worked its way around to the bottom of my arm and dripped onto the once white carpet. Just another stain. Another slash across the wrist. "Careful, veins are dangerous!" — not like I care anyway. Another slash. Another. Another. I don’t think I can stop this time. The blood is everywhere, spreading down my wrist, slowly feeding the floor that’s just waiting for another taste. It’s like a hunger, I need more pain. I need it.

It's good. I made some slight changes I think would make it flow a bit better (in bold). The second sentence was incomplete and there are some minor grammatical quirks, but overall it's a very descriptive prologue. I like the first-person POV and the use of imagery, it's actually painful to read.

hotandgay
December 6th, 2010, 01:02 AM
i like it but where are you going to go with it...

msbrooklyn
December 7th, 2010, 10:09 AM
hate to be nit picky but i think you have a little bit too many discriptive words in there just sounds weird. your painting a good picture though try to keep the detail but remove some of the words. its a great set up for a story though keep up the good work :)

Ellron
December 10th, 2010, 05:35 AM
Where's it going now?