It starts.. help.

[equestrianlover890]

The pain that follows me, has never subsided. From the time I was young, I always felt this immense inner sadness. A sadness that never yielded, but was always disguised with my mask of smiles and "happiness".
Though I dont remember these events, I hear about them from my mom.
When I was younger and my mom and Dad were still together, my step sister dig drugs and blamed my dad for rapeing her. I was 1 at the time, bottom line my mom fled in fear my Dad would hurt me. Deep inside she believed my dad didn't do it, but my step sister scared her. Growing up I never understood why I couldn't have my Dad. The memory I have of me at 6 years old staring out the window sobbing as my dad drove away, back to South Carolina burns in my head. My mom let me visit my dad and let him visit me, always reluctant. But she didnt want me to grow up completely deprived of my father I guess. When I reached 6th grade, I stopped talking to my Dad. I guess I decided I was better off without him. But my mom and my dad are two completely different people, if i could change 1 thing it would be how I stopped talking to him. Now at 15, I would give anything to go visit my dad. To get away from my mom, and all this hatred. I occasionally talk to my step sister, but never asking her about what happened. If she's anything like me, the past haunts her enough.
Everything went down hill from there. My mom when I was younger would hit me and sometimes bruise me. The emotional damage she did to me only grew as I got older. She yelled at me daily, telling me how I needed to be better do better and to stop being so lazy. Over react, maybe I did. But she doesn't care about me, or love me. The only thing she cares about is my grades. The only thing she does good for me is my horse. I could be cutting and suicicidal but as long as my grades are good, she DOESNT care. People argue, oh yes your mom loves you. No. I've lived with her for 15 years, trust me - if she really cared she would notice how awful I feel. If she loved me she wouldnt have emotionally killed me and physically hurt me.
In middle school guy after guy broke my heart. I found all the wrong guys, the butt holes. In 8th grade I really fell in love with the wrong person. He would yell at me and insult me evey day about how awful I was. He would make me want to die every day. Everyone in 8th grade hated me. They all rediculed me and betrayed me. I held up my life though, as awful as it was. People depended on me, they needed me. I masked how I felt, everyone believed me.
8th grade summer came and the guy I was dating at the time broke up with me. And then it all finally fell down. I couldn't do anything anymore. For weeks at a time I'd sleep and cry all day. I didnt care about anything. I was confused, misunderstood and completely alone. The pain took over. Several times I tried to cut, but I could never bring myself to do it.
9th grade started. The depression only worsened. I begin to hate myself with such a passion that I wanted to hurt myself. I believe im an awful useless lazy person. I surprise myself every day when I look in the mirror and im not hideous. Im completely isolated from everyone else in my grade. I fake a smile and they all believe me. Everyone thinks my life is perfect, no one even knows a quarter of the immense pain that burns inisde of me. I've begin to cut. My boyfriend who I've been with for 4 months is the only person I have, but he told me if I cut he cuts. My pain is deeper then that. I cut and dont tell him. I deserve to cut. I deserve this pan. I hate myself. This is what I deserve for fucking everyones life up, for my mom not loving me for my dad not caring for all these guys that have broken my heart, all the people that hate me, I DESERVE this.
I dont understand how no one can see it. I'm screaming out for help. I just want someone to understand for someone to slightly get it. And no one does, absouletly no one. How dont they see it? The pain it radiates but I'm so good at hiding it no one knows. I just need help. I need someone to come save me, because I'm not going to save myself..

[Charleigh]

awrhh :( p.m me or post me a visitor message if u want xx

[Love.Hate]

You sound like you have had an awful time.
Cutting doesnt really help you know, it just makes you realise all the pain you feel inside..
Please be careful and dont cut too deep, it scars you forever.
Is there nobody you could tell? Close friends? school counseller?
I agree, you need help and its good you know that. Dont let your problem escalate and get out of control... We understand, And you dont deserve this.
Nobody does.. Stay strong hun. I am always here if you need/want to talk :)

[anamcara]

hey, im new.
im 17 and i self harm, have done for about 3 or 4 years now, there was a brief period when i actually stopped, so it is possible, now its all gone downhill again, but what im trying to say is that you don't deserve that, you deseve all the good things in life but things screw up, i know ive been there and im currently there now, if you ever need to talk, scream, whatever you need to do, im here, you never know, we might help eachother out a little :) xx

just to say, a smile hides a lot, and people these days see only what they want to at times, you have let them know that your struggling if you want people to realise xx



[merged - please don't double post.~georgiamay]

[Mike321]

It sounds like you've had a really tough time in the past, and I'm really sorry to hear about it.
You do not deserve this, you don't deserve the pain, no one does.
Cutting really isn't going to help, I know it seems like it does, but it doesnt, it leaves constant reminders, have you got any one you can talk to about this?
I think it really helps if you have someone you can go and talk to
Its good that you admit you need help, thats the first step
You sound like a really strong person, you can beat this
Your more than welcome to message me or anyone on here if you need to talk

[equestrianlover890]

thank you guys for replying it reminds me that someone cares.

I know i should stop, even over the course of a week they are getting deeper. I've told my 3 closest friends besides my boyfriend. 1 of them used to be a major cutter himself, and has massive scars. the other 2 im not so sure understand.. my boyfriend used to cut too but he doesnt get it either. I feel like no one does really. I feel like no one ever will understand me, there's no way I could ever possibly get them to understand. I really do think I deserve this, i've messed everything up in my life. i hate myself, i will do nothing for myself really but for others, oh for others I can kill. I want nothing but good for all my friends, for them to never have to hurt and stay just like everyone else in my grade naive, simple minded, and happy. I'd rather be alone and talk to no one then be with a large group of people. Idk about anything anymore, I'm just to tired to keep on fighting.