Sexual Confusion, Help or Reassurance?

[anxietyman]

I know it's a repost, but i'm having confusion issues just like last year (I'm noticing that it's always winter related)

Well,
Having used the internet to put my buzzing mind to rest so many times I have that this site comes up alot so I'm willing to give it a try.

Basically
I've turned 18, I'm male
and I'm sexually confused as i'll soon explain.

History;
My dad left me when I was younger, so I've been brought up by my Mom.
Male rolemodels in my family weren't the best (Alcoholics, Violence)
My first girlfriend (who I dated for a year, sexual contact etc) cheated on me with my best friend then dumped me.
I have noticed a relationship pattern of mine, it goes;
Serious, Rebound, Serious, Rebound. (my most recent girlfriend is my fourth and I've noticed that if I don't get on with a girl I feel like I don't want to be around her)
I used to have an outstanding sex drive for women (masturbation on a regular basis etc)
and I also had no self confidence and wished I could get a girlfriend.
I don't see my friends enough.
A majority of my friends have ditched me, because I quit college.
My current girlfriend destroyed my trust in her, by lying and matter other guys.


Recently;
After my first girlfriend destroyed me I went through some major changes (style, music taste, social groups)
In which time I got a haircut and some new clothes and girls were interested in me.
Which was a good thing, but I feel since becoming so confident I have lost interest in trying to get a girls affections.
But I do enjoy being around my friends (males) more than being with my current girlfriend (but it has nothing to do with attraction).
I have also recently joined college (when I joined secondary education I suffered from anxiety, panic attacks, depression) I'm thinking that the same is occuring here.
I have a constant sick feeling in my stomach, I don't feel happy and I can't acknowledge a good thing or a bad thing.
I have an incredibly poor diet and sleep patterns (I usually manage the equivalent of a sandwich in a day and six hours sleep, mostly oversleeping)


I don't know if the internet has desensitized me to Women and straight porn.
But I saw gay porn earlier and I got an erection and it turned me on.
Which has worried me.
But I'm thinking that all of my problems have accumulated into this.
I also don't feel very masculine, so it could be gender association.
I just need to know if it's normal, and that it will go away at some point.
I'm hoping that it's because i'm disorientated.

I'm actually confused in general,
Because I'm pretty smart (not being bigheaded) I analyze everything over and over and over.
I'm hoping that I'm a regular teen with sexual confusion worrys and that it feels amplified because I'm coping with joining a new school or something.

I don't want to be gay or attracted to men.
I've grown up wanting to spend my life with a girl I love.

So please, don't tell me to accept it, I know theres something that can be done or something I've overlooked.

I just want to enjoy my teenage years with my friends and girlfriend.

(I'm also considering suicide. Depression induced?)

thanks for any help/reassurance.

I'm going to try and see a Counselor about this, maybe I just need to talk it out and let things run its course.

[MisterAndrews]

If you are really that depressed and confused, then I think that a doctor / counsellor is your best bet. I wouldn't keep coming here for answers, because if this is depression you need professional help (in my opinion).

And, for the record, I think the LAST thing you should do is accept the way you feel at the moment.

Well done for telling someone all this. Admission is the start of recovery.

[boosterboy]

go to a psyciatrist or something

[war-fougt-in-a-boy]

oh feel nost of your pain like readinthis is lookin in a mirror.dad lives with me but he always let me down
mom annoyin cofusion of sexorentation (teased as well bout ) but wat i do is stay positive dnt ever give up keep fightin

[CaliLax]

you should on a very serious level see a therapist or psychiatrist. NO ONE on this website has the qualifacation to help you right now, you are going through a very tough time and need professional help. PLEASE SEE A DOCTOR, IT MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE :)

[Nancy Boy]

you should on a very serious level see a therapist or psychiatrist. NO ONE on this website has the qualifacation to help you right now, you are going through a very tough time and need professional help. PLEASE SEE A DOCTOR, IT MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE :)

Urm, yeah. Therapist. A professional. AND suicide is NOT an option budd.

[anxietyman]

Thanks for all of the help.
But are you all saying that this is amplified because of my depression?
If so, I think I could feel alot better

[connorfla]

suicide is never the right choice!go see a therapist are something

[maxii]

okk... here it is... (if what im writing is correct, msg me)

u dont care if you have a girlfriend, but if you dont then u'll eather feel non man'ly or u'll get teased...
u are depress. basicly u think that life isnt worth living. u dont eat very much. just a lil bit. u want to die because your not happy with your life.(ex; money, girlz, friends, sexuality, ect)
u look'd at gay porn, and it turn'd u on...

((u are going thru a mental crisist...))

[Hermes]

Poor sleep habits and contemplating suicide are definite signs of depression. People also tend to feel low (more depressed) in the winter - look up SAD (seasonal affective disorder).

I'd see professional (i.e. medically qualified) advice for the depression and then follow through with any other issues that raises.