curiouser and curiouser..

[CatchingOrigami]

We're all mad here.

I think I'm falling apart again.
The self harm has started again, and getting more frequent. Not just cutting, but beating, punching walls, anything.
I feel myself isolating my thoughts from everyone, fake, everything is becoming fake.
I'm growing apart from friends, from family.
More people have died.
More people will die. 2-3 months. 6-8 months. I told it to stop, it didnt.
Im rapidly losing weight.
I hate everything.
Everything confuses me. I want nothing. I dont understand.
My mind is talking to itself. Sometimes I hear random noises. Mostly of animals.
Im sleeping less and less.
I dont even care about dying. I dont care about living. I'm losing the willpower to do anything but draw, and even then the lines and colours are alien to me.
I get these fits. Not like the old fits, these are new.
I feel pure paranoia. Raw fear. Nothing makes it go away. No amount of bleeding. No amount of crying. Nothing helps.
I dont want the fear.
I dont want this empty cold apathy. I actually dont care, but I know its not right. All I feel now is fear. I know i dont like that.
The sugar pot just walked across the table and fell on the floor and there are mice everywhere.
I need sleep. I need food. I need to function properly again. I hope this is legible. when I look away from the screen, the words talk to eachother without speaking. I hate this. I dont. Im scared.

[Alexithymia]

You helped me, so now it's my turn.

Nina, the toughest part is where you just feel hopeless. Where you know nothing happy will ever happy again. Where you know everything horrible is going to happen. The biggest thing that I have to say is just to get through it. That's how I get through my depressing moments. How can you get through it when it's hopeless? Just face it. Doing nothing isn't going to get you less depressed, it's going to get you more depressed.

The apathy is probably the toughest to get through. It's why some start to cut, and is what I personally hate most about depression. My favorite thing to do whenever I feel like that is to just read. Or watch TV. Do something that brings out your emotions. Hang out with a friend. Go to the park. Or draw, like you said. Whatever brings out your emotions the best is what I would suggest doing. Preferably something that requires physical activity. It might be tough to just get yourself to do it, but I normally feel better after I do it.

[CatchingOrigami]

I do do things, but it rarely provokes any feeling whatsoever. Even drawing, it just feels like routine work.
"do this and you'll feel better" like running through the motions, you know the drill. Im relatively productive. I just. Dont know.
I moved schools, and I moved to my fathers house, so I'm further away from my best friend, and it's really hard to see her. I can't relate to any of the people at my college. they're all too. Shallow, they only care about sex. Forced socialization doesnt count in my book.
Im wondering whether I can bring myself to see a doctor. Try and get some sleeping pills at least, which would then require me taking them. I dont know.

[Alexithymia]

I understand about the routine work thing. Sometimes it helps, others it doesn't. About the moving thing, it's hard. Especially when where you move sucks. Try and talk to your friend, even if it's only online. The people at college being shallow truly sucks. Don't force yourself to be social, but try and find someone that you truly enjoy being around. Hope this helps :)

[CatchingOrigami]

It's easy enough to say haha, but I appreciate your efforts/time :]