The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

*I'm unsure of all the rules of what I can post here, I spent ten minutes searching the site but couldn't find them, so if I say something I'm not supposed to, sorry.*

I'm 18 years old,
Female
Five foot four inches
and 118lbs

For years and years, I've been a chronic dieter. Gaining than losing it all than maintining.
It's endless.

But on Monday, I woke up and was just so set on not eating anymore. I'm not really sure how it happened, it just happened..
Monday I had about 500 calories all day.
Today I've had about 416 not to mention I worked out for fourty minutes. (Mainly weight lifting, some leg exercises all on machines, and ab exercises).

I feel really guilty for chewing & spitting a few things I was craving, I'm so afraid that the calories are seeping in, I considered trying to throw up but decided against it.

I obsesse over my weight, what I eat, and how many calories I consume.
I'm always asking my friend if how many calories I had eaten is 'ok'.

Originally, my calorie count for the day was only going to be 265 but I made two eggs when I got home which brought it up. I still feel guilty about that.

Is it the start of one? Why should it matter anyway? I'm trying to lose weight afterall. Goal weight is 103. My thinspiration would have to be on of my friends who's taller than me, but 103 even though she eats SO MUCH.

:confused:

[Syvelocin]

It could definitely turn into that, yes.

You're at a fine weight. You don't need to lose any. That's actually even around the weight I'm striving to get to after I recover from anorexia.

You're not eating enough. Diets like that are not healthy at all. And at your height and age, you should not be at 103lbs. It's way too little. It would put you at underweight.

I know what it's like, I do. But try to at least get a thousand calories in, preferrably more. It doesn't have to turn into a eating disorder, you know.

[Fiction]

Mine happened suddenly aswell. It does matter because it's unhealthy and as i'm sure you know, horrible to live with. ED-NOS is a real eating disorder and just as serious as Anorexia or Bulimia and you still have that. Having Anorexia is not something to aim for it' something to avoid. At your height, tol be considered anorexic you'd have to be 97lb which is not pretty, beleive me. I've been there. You also need have missed 3 periods in a row. Do you want to fuck your body up enough for this to happen?

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

I never said I was stirving for anorexia. But eating more than 500 calories suddenly feels disgusting. I don't even know what happened, just woke up one day and didn't want to eat. I don't want an eating disorder though. That would just be stupid.

[Fiction]

I didn't say you did. The same happened to me as i said, I just decided one day that is what i wanted to do and it's still there now. I always thought cause it'd had come on so quick it might just go.
Try not counting calories, although I know this is hard.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Have you ever seen a doctor for it? I believe you told me that you hadn't but I'm not to sure.

Counting calories is unstoppable. I'll try once I lose a few pounds, but I don't know if it will work..

I also recounted my calories and found out I made a mathmatical error, I've actually had 416 today. That makes me happy even though it probably shouldn't.

[Syvelocin]

Eating like that isn't a quick fix. You're actually more likely to gain it back when you put yourself on this type of diet. To permanently lose, you have to do it healthily. But still, you don't want to be ten pounds underweight hun.

My doctor is always very cross with me. He sees me every month, and so far I've gained ten pounds and lost seven. I actually still have to count calories myself because he put me on a budget that I have to eat every day.

Throw away the wrapper or box or whatever. Don't look at it. If you don't know how many calories is in what you're eating, it's pretty hard to count them. You don't want this eating disorder. If it does turn into anorexia, you're not going to stop at 103. Trust me. It really can get out of hand.

[Fiction]

I agree with Rith, it is unstoppable. However much you loose you won't be happy and the more you loose the further away from recovery you are.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

I don't see any doctors currently, my mom keeps asking me to but I (fortunately) have that option now.
I haven't lost more than one pound so far. I like seeing the numbers melt away on the scale. Everyday theres a new number, it's almost like a guessing game. How much do I weigh today? It's exciting because, I've always had problems losing weight. That's why I'm so resistant against recovery. Their's nothing to recover from right now.

I heard that nobody takes ED-NOS seriously anyhow. I don't even know if I have that. But apparently doctors don't take it seriously, like it's not a real eating disorder.

I don't think I could recover at this point. The thought of eating more than 1200 calories scares me. I would hate myself if I gained any more weight. =\

[BeautifulDisaster]

EDNOS is actually more dangerous. Death from EDNOS is higher than Anorexia/Bulimia. EDNOS is probably more dangerous because not only are you engaging in starving / restricting, but also purging. These behaviors combined put a dangerous strain on your body & your organs, your heart included in this. I was told that in ED's, your ovaries, heart & brain shrink. It damages them majorly. If your ovaries shrink, and they eventually will, you may never be able to conceive. If your brain shrinks, which it will from dehydration & not enough nutrition going to it, you could actually get brain damage. If your heart shrinks, which again, it will eventually, you could have a heart attack or go into heart failure at any moment. Your body will begin eating itself, and trust me when I say you don't want that.

It also affects other things, like your kidneys, prepare for many infections. Your liver will be affected also. Potassium levels will plummet. Iron levels too. Your health will deteriorate & you'll regret it when it happens, but it may be too late. You'll either die, or have long term health problems. You might be lucky though, you might get out of this without any problems.

Now, that's just the medical side of it. The mental side, the emotional side... is 10x worse than that. & Because you're so malnourished, you won't be able to make decisions logically. You won't be able to focus on anything but food. You won't be able to concentrate, that will go out the window. You won't be able to think straight, at all. The anguish ED's cause will overwhelm you, & you'll be more likely to kill yourself because of how horrible it will be just to be inside your head, let alone your body.

You don't want this, so use that as leverage against this. You can change this around, it's not too late, it's far from too late, you can turn this around.

Take a good long & hard think about it.
You can get help for this.
Please get it.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Thank you for the advice, BeautifulDisaster. But I don't know how to go about getting help. My mom has a nasty habit of blowing everything out of proportion, I don't know how to get help without fucking everything up for myself like my freedoms and privledges. I enjoy getting to come and go as I please. It would suck to get that taken away.
=\

I may begin seeing my old therapist again, but I don't purge so I don't see what I do as to much of a harm. If I become dangerously underweight, I understand, but I don't think that would happen. My mom would notice and say something.

[BeautifulDisaster]

It's your choice, but I would recommend doing it before you get to a stage of it being too late / getting worse.

The ball is in your court, but I really wouldn't leave it to get worse.

Just because you don't purge doesn't mean you're not still killing yourself slowly. Many people die from ED's every year, & more than that are left with permanent damage from it. I know you don't want that deep down, and I know you are aware you do have a problem here, you wouldn't be posting otherwise.

There is help out there, but you need to make the choice to seek it & use it.

[Fiction]

EDNOS is taken just as seriously by doctors as anorexia or Bulimia. It's the apart from you don't quite fir the right criteria for the other too. This could mean anything from your exactly like an anorexic but still have your periods or have a healthy BMI or having a cross between Anorexia and Bulimia.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

If it's taken seriously, than how come none of my doctors noticed or said anything when I started losing weight and told them I wasn't eating?
I don't get it..

[exploradora]

my doctor told me that EDNOS accounts for around 50% of people with ED's - it's just as dangerous, and they do take it seriously. losing weight and watching the number on your scale go down may feel good, but it'll never stop - please don't let it get worse.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

It's so hard though, I just weighed in today at 115.2lbs. I was 122lbs last week.
I did my BMI work up and everything and found that I can go as low as 105 and still be heatlhy. I would stop if I didn't look so fat. I don't like looking fat, and I can't stop until I'm skinny. I know that even if I stop now, I'll just start again in a few weeks or months.

Considering that I'm joining the Army and leave for basic in June, I'll be eating a whole bunch in basic so I think I'll get through the recovery than. Right now I want to focus on getting thin as fast as possible.

[Fiction]

In the UK forces there is a minimum weight requirement, so you'd best make sure you don't go under that.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

In the UK forces there is a minimum weight requirement, so you'd best make sure you don't go under that.


The U.S Army has a weight limit as well, but with the muscle mass I'll gain, I don't think I'll be below the limit.

[exploradora]

even if your BMI is technically in the healthy range, your body won't be healthy because that weight was lost by basically slowly starving yourself. your weight right now is good for your height, it's healthy. if you try to stop now, and end up starting again later, you'll still have beaten it for that amount of time. I wanted to lose weight and look skinny, and I still haven't gotten there. Instead, I've had to leave school to go into treatment.

I don't know how to put the rest of what I want to say into words, but I noticed that you're new to the site (so am I) - you're worried enough to have asked other's opinions, so I'm guessing there's a part of you that knows that this won't end well - try to focus on that part. hopefully that helps a bit - good luck (:

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

That's true... I don't really know why I've been asking about it. I know that I'm a little concerned about it, I've never really been able to cut out foods and eat so little, but it almost comes naturally at this point that it's worrying me. It's still hard, I get hungry, crave food, soda, but I work hard to ignore the cravings and move forward. I have a craving right now for one of the Cokes in the fridge, but their 140 calories... That's so much...
It's scary.

I'm sure you understand that though.. The fear.

I made a split-second decision (before I could think about it because I knew I would talk myself out of it) to call my old therapist and make an appointment. So I'll start seeing somebody about it as soon as I can...

[Syvelocin]

Your BMI might still be considered healthy, but you NEED nutrients, and where do you think you'll get protein, fiber, vitamins, etc, if you eat so little? Your period will stop. Your hair will become brittle and so will your nails. You'll get these tiny little hairs all over your body. You'll feel cold even in summer, all the time, and you'll be barely able to get out of bed because you have so little energy. It really sucks. No weight is worth it. No waist size. When you're in the hospital being fed through an IV, you really start to wish you never had started restricting your calories. Even when you have to get in that bikini for your friend's pool party or whatever, and you realise your hip bones are just... right there. Bold and jutting out of your body. Completely unattractive. You'll wish you were the weight you used to be.

Good job setting up the therapy session though. You're on the right track that way.

[BeautifulDisaster]

On the contrary, you'll never see your true image.
You'll never get to that image you want to be, in reality you will, maybe even further, you'll see the numbers drop & you'll get new weight goals, new extremes, but it'll NEVER be enough. You will never see your true image.
Don't think for a second it will be enough, because it sure as hell won't be. It never will be with ED's. That is one reason why they're so dangerous & life threatening.
You need to get out of this before it gets any worse, I'm glad you made an appt with your therapist, I hope you can be honest & get help for this.
x

[Fiction]

Well Done for getting that appointment :) It might be the first step to recovery and they say that that is the hardest so well done and good luck :)

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Thanks for the support guys, I don't know if a therapist will help since I don't really talk about my eating habits. But I'm willing to try, dropping I think it's probably 9lbs in one week doesn't sound very healthy.

I still don't know if this is an eating disorder, it sounds like one but it doesn't feel like it because I only restrict to 500 calories a day, a lot of people who actually have eating disorders restrict it even more. =/

It might just be a phase.

And yeah, I'm already feeling weak, I'm not as strong as I used to be and I'm tired all the time.

The calorie count for today=425
I don't know if it will get any higher today, My limit is 500, so I might have half a can of tuna after school to push it to 500. I want to push to 550 but that's sooo many calories!

Ugh, it's never ending.

[Fiction]

I know exactly how you feel. it's a cycle and all you need is one push to get you out the cycle. This is the hardest part to getting better, but once you've done it you are well on your way.
9lb in one week is not healthy at all. 500 calories is way under the minimum. Just because some people restrict more doesn't mean that isn't enough to count as an ED.

The diagnostic criteria for Anorexia is as follows:
Intense fear of gaining weight.
A refusal to maintain body weight above 85% of the expected weight for a given age and height.
Three consecutive missed periods
AND EITHER
Refusal to admit the seriousness of the weight loss
OR
Undue influence of shape or weight on one's self image, or a disturbed experience in one's shape or weight

If you apply to all of those points you can be diagnosed with anorexia. If you don't but still have a problem (which you obviously do) then it is ED-NOS.
Of course there is Bulimia aswell but you've said you don't purge.
Nowhere in that diagnosis does it say anything about restricting below a certain amount so yes you do have a problem.
I thought mine could be a phase too but honestly, do you think you'll ever be able to stop? If you honestly ask yourself?

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

I understand what you mean, I'm not sure if I'm 85% of my weight limit, I'm 114.2lbs now.
I ate a little over 500 calories today but due to the fact that my body's in starvation mode, I'm afraid to eat more because I don't want to gain weight. I figure I'll keep going like this until I'm 100lbs and can afford to gain a little more weight.

Is a cheat day normal with ED-NOS? I wasn't even really considering having a cheat day (where you eat whatever you want) but one of my friends brought it up to me. I'm considering it, but I'm sure that I'll gain like five pounds.

[Fiction]

Yes, changes in eating patterns are common in ED-NOS. and 85% is 105.3lb.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Oh, that explains why I can't stay as focused with this. I upped my calories today to 845. =)
It's a start
but tomorrow I probably won't go above 600 at the most, I bought a bunch of special K bars, but theirs a cake I made in my cooking class (which I hate now) that I pretty much am expected to eat. My cooking teacher is becoming really worried about my weight, she keeps asking me if I'm okay and that I look thin and tired all the time. =\
I took up P90X the workout to help burn the calories that I eat.
EDIT: Please do not ask for tips- Fiction

[Fiction]

845 is good. well done. but you need to keep it up. Try not to weigh yourself tomorrow :)

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

I won't be able to not. I'm only eating 270 calories tomorrow since I ate so much today.. I'm starting to hate this. That I can't stop. I don't like it. I don't have control, the guilt is to much.

[Fiction]

I know how you feel. You just have to turn that hate into making yourself have control. I know this is hard but you just have to take that step out the cycle. It's the hardest part of getting better but you have to do it to get better. 270 is nowhere near enough.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Well, I tried.. I ate something that I don't really know how many calories were in it. Though I did weigh myself after school (I've gained two ounce=[)
I had half a can of coke today, one special K meal bar (170) and a really really like inch (width wise) piece of chocolate frosted marble cake. It had frosting in the middle too. I don't know how many calories were in that, I'm assuming about 300... Which puts me around 540 calories.

But,
I had a college tour all day today, consisted of a lot of walking/stair climbing, than I walked for about 20 min after school. I plan on doing a 245 calorie burning exercise after I type this.

I'm trying at least, a little.

So.. If you don't mind me asking, you have ED-NOS too right?

[Fiction]

I suspect so. No offical diagnosis but it seems to fit.
And well done for trying, try to resist weighing yourself :)

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Have you sought out help for it? Like therapy and such?


Yeah, It seems to be improving. Tonight will be the real test though, my mom wants to get sushi or order in some chinese. =\

[Fiction]

No.

Eat it! Just block out all feelings of guilt, just allow yourself to eat it and enjoy it :)

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Oh, and nobodies noticed anything?!

I did, sadly.
I had a cup of egg drop soup (70 calories)
two spoonfuls of fried rice (????)
And FOUR crab puffs

Unfortunately, My daily total was 705...

I'm going to get fat ugh,
I already decided that tomorrow is strictly a 370 calorie day. All weekend is. During the week I'll go back to 500. I can't believe I ate that shit.

[Fiction]

Nope, only my boyfriend.

Setting yourself unrealistic goals will not do anything. When you fail those goals you'll feel worse, and of course, you are going to fail those goals because they are just so unrealistic. You don't have to continue this cycle of self hate. You just have to break out of it. Don't set a calorie limit for one day, just eat when you are hungry. You will not get fat, I promise you that.
If you continue doing this you'll just continue getting thinner and thinner and you'll never be happy. Either that or you'll never reach your goals and end up hating yourself. The first one will land you in hospital eventually and the second won't be a nice place to be. Doing this can only end up not good so please try to get help or try to stop.
Good luck.
Feel free to contact me if you ever want to talk :)

[Triceratops]

The thing is, with an eating disorder, you'll never be skinny enough. Never. Even when you're emaciated and laying on a hospital bed at the brink of death.

Don't ever fool yourself into that "I'll stop when I'm skinny" crap. No. It doesn't work like that. You are currently in a position where you can take control of what you're doing and stop before it's too late. If you don't, you will regret it for the rest of your life...

[BeautifulDisaster]

^^ Like what I said, & I agree, & will repeat again, it will never be enough.
Read this thread I made, might shake some sort of sense into you & give you some sort of encouragement to stop while you still can;
http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?p=989034#post989034

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Fiction:
I see, and has he already talked to you about it? How could you're parents not notice I mean, I remember one of you're posts where you mentioned you could see you're ribs now... How is that not noticable? o.O

Marshki:

I know and I understand, the issue is that I actually can't stop. Everytime I try, I can't force myself to eat when I know that I've eaten to much. Like yesterday after the Chinese food I told myself I wouldn't care and I would eat normally all weekend, but I knew that wouldn't happen. It can't, I would feel to guilty and probably end up purging (regardless of the fact I've never been able to do it before.)

BeautifulDisaster:

I know.. But without actually having Anorexia, shouldn't it be easier to stop when I know I'm thin? Somebody told me that Anorexics see non-existant fat, but since I'm not Anorexic I shouldn't see 'non-existant' fat right? Just fat that really exists and is really there.. I don't know, maybe my doctor will shine some light on this. I am getting help by the way, I called my old therapist and scheduled and appointment for next week. But I don't know how much help it's going to be since my mom cannot know.

[Syvelocin]

^ You're always going to have fat on your body. It's impossible to get rid of it all, especially if your a girl, and still be alive.

Anorexics see fat. They see themselves as fat people, even if they're at a healthy weight, or at an unhealthy low weight. And for me at least, everyone I looked at looked smaller than me, thinner, more beautiful. Even the ones who were fifty pounds heavier than me, even more than that. I wanted my friend's bodies, when I was forty pounds below them. I even remember wanting to look like my mother, she's twice the lowest weight I've been at. Hell, I still think I shouldn't be eating all that I am right know. But I'm partially out of the anorexia mentality since I got some sense knocked into me the first time I looked at myself in the mirror when I was 5st.

The thing is darling, you ARE thin. And yet you want to lose weight. That's what concerns me. If you were 2st. heavier, I might see where you're coming from on that plane. But you're thin now.

[BeautifulDisaster]

I'm glad you are getting help. You need it. Take it & take advantage of that.

You may not have Anorexia, but with EDNOS & Bulimia, you still have a distorted sense of image. Sounds like you do, whether it is a full blown ED or not, whether it's the start of one or not, you still have a distorted self perception & you need to get this seen to asap, before it gets worse & out of control & before it really will be too late & destory you.

You can have self image problems & not have an ED also.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Syvelocin:

I understand what you mean, and I'm not actually thin. I don't weight a whole lot but I have some chub that I would like to get rid of.
And what you do you mean by 5st?

BeautifulDisaster: Well I don't have a purging issue, it's more of an Anorexia take without fully starving or going to the great lengths they go to. And I'm concerned about taking advantage of the psychological help for it because I'm trying to get into the Army and having things like eating disorders on my file just isn't very good. It won't look good and they most likely will turn me down.

[Syvelocin]

5' 4" and 118lbs isn't when you'd need to lose weight though. And you are thin, I'm sure of it. Like I said, everyone will have fat on their bodies. And if you want to tone your body, all you would need to do is exercise a bit daily, not starve yourself.

5st is 70lbs.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

I'll have to post a pic of myself so you can see what I mean.
I exercise everyday, I do the P90X Ab RipperX workout and walk. I'm trying to start jogging but I don't have any running shoes. =\

Ooh, wait, you weighed 70lbs?? Holy shit batman! =0

[Syvelocin]

A couple months of that alone and you'd see results. That way you'd get rid of the fat and it would be replaced with something healthier, instead of just getting rid of that weight altogether. Usually I'm not that concerned with the actual weight of someone on here, but since you're probably done growing I would say it's safe to compare your weight to the average adult's weight of your height and body frame. Minors are often smaller than those average weights without it being unhealthy.

At my lowest point, yeah :/ When I was 17. It wasn't quite as bad since I'm short but I was still decently underweight. I'm still underweight actually, my doctor's trying to get me to at least 100lbs. Though I watched an interview with an Italian girl who is anorexic who was 50lbs at her lowest point O.o She looked like a walking skeleton.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Yeah I know... Unfortunately though, I was just challenged by one of my friends to see who could go the longest without eating. Can't really refuse it since we're both sorta 'low calorie' buddies. She used to be bulimerxic so I think she'll win lol.

God that's crazy! How tall are you?? 70lbs doesn't sound good for ANYBODY!!! =000

[Syvelocin]

Not a good challenge to accept since you'll just hold onto anything you eat after you eventually eat something. Your body goes into starvation mode, even with the normal amount that you're eating, and will hold on to anything you give it. That's why it's best to lose weight healthily. You need to eat to lose weight well.

I'm 5' 1" :P I got the extra inch about a year ago, I had been 5ft. for years. Got to love my mum's genes. She's just an inch taller than me :/

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Yeah I know, but she wants to do it until we both lose 3lbs. I know it'll only be water weight so I'm not to worried, I'll drink a lot of water. I just bought some of that Special K protein water so I'll get some vitamins and stuff from that. (I don't know if that's cheating or not?)

Jeez that's still insane though, I'm sorry but when I think about that I see skeleton people. I hope you didn't look like that =\

[Syvelocin]

I love the special k water stuff. I get the protein pink lemonade mix to put in my water :P I still don't eat much, but I have this little obsession with getting my nutrients. I think I got it from my crazy psychologist who also had a degree in nutrition. I don't know. I've also waisted a good chunk of my life researching this stuff. My OCD perhaps?

I had been at the point where you could see my hip bones clear as day through my skin. It frightened the crap out of me. Of course, I'm still a good amount underweight. Though the thought of being above 100lbs is scaring me. I actually have never been that heavy o.O I got to 6st 9 or so when I was 15, and then I became anorexic. So that 100lbs mark is scaring me, and having my period for once is strange :P

I had watched this interview with an Italian girl who is anorexic, at her lowest point she was 50lbs. She looked like a walking skeleton. I don't know if I could ever let it get to that point. I probably would have, but I feel like I would stop myself. I've already been hospitalized for it. It really isn't fun when the counselors decide to feed you through an IV when they get so sick of you not eating.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Thats the same kind I have. =p It's good stuff! And do you take multi-vitamins or something?

Oh wow... I don't know what that looks like but it can't be pretty. I want to see my ribs, than I'll stop. And I don't know what this 5st 6st stuff means. I don't know if that's purely a UK thing?

Isn't it infuriating being in a hospital though where you're forced to eat even though you KNOW they're going to make you fat? I'm not saying they made you fat, but the thought of that just terrifys me. I would hate that.

[Syvelocin]

I take iron supplements and my girl vitamins :P Then I also take omega-3 and I make sure to have a life water everyday, sometimes a few of them, to get my B12 plus my vitamin C. I have to take a lot of vitamin C so I don't... well, get sick. But that's not my nutrition freak speaking there. That's my doctor :/

Sorry, I just automatically think in stones :P I forget sometimes. One stone is 14lbs. It is a UK thing, don't know if it's a purely UK thing though.

I just hate that they're forcing you to eat. They could encourage you nicely instead of yelling at you a few times before deciding to stick an IV into your arm and feed you through a tube O.o Not all counselors are human :P

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Well I could understand that. I should probably do that too. I'm Anemic actually. =p Do you feel better with the vitamins? Do they help?

It's okay, I should learn them anyway just for future reference but I don't know them right now. =p

Ahh! How can yelling possibly help? I never understood that. Asking nicely is a way to start, yelling isn't a way to help at all. What's it like being fed through a tube? Gross? Or does it feel weird?

[Syvelocin]

Definitely. Well, it is hard to gauge on its on since I started eating again around the time I started taking iron supplements. But the rest of it I've been doing for years. It's just a routine thing in the morning now, along with my other meds. But vitamins are a great idea to be taking if you don't get your daily in take of each. Like B12 for me, since you would get it from meat and I'm a vegetarian.

I know >.< They can't ask you nicely and give you a little friendly nudge? "Oh good, you ate some carrots at lunch today. I'm happy for you." Not "Eat everything on that plate or you're not leaving the unit tomorrow!" ... They like to punish us, actually. One of the counselors wouldn't let us go outside, and a friend of mine who was there for anorexia also, Katie, she was freezing in that building. They wouldn't let us go outside with everyone else, they also stopped letting us off the unit for expressive therapy and meals. Katie's heart was failing too, she hadn't eaten a thing in ten days and her heart was "eating itself," and all they did was yell at her and restrict her priviledges further. That's the main reason I'm studying psychology, so I can get a job at a mental hospital and be what kids need, not a jerk in their faces all the time.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

That makes sense, it's smart actually. =)


Why would they yell at her?? If her heart is bad than yelling will only distress it futher!
And yeah, they should try praising you for what you do eat. I think the nicer people ask the more likely the person is to do it. I hope not all the clinics are like that. O.o

[Clawhammer]

The U.S Army has a weight limit as well, but with the muscle mass I'll gain, I don't think I'll be below the limit.

In addressing this, if you starve yourself, your body stores fat and eats muscle. Starving isn't going to help you lose weight, there's easier ways, and you also won't gain muscle mass.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

In addressing this, if you starve yourself, your body stores fat and eats muscle. Starving isn't going to help you lose weight, there's easier ways, and you also won't gain muscle mass.

I know. But I really can't help it at this point. I can't stop myself.

[Fiction]

I know. But I really can't help it at this point. I can't stop myself.

You can always help it. There is always a way to get better, you just have to find it.

[BeautifulDisaster]

yeah & at this point, it's easier to address it now than if it gets worse/out of control.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

The issue is, I don't really want to address it. I want it to grow, morph, and continue until I'm thin. I want to see my ribs. That's when I'll stop.

One of my friends who purges as well as starves, said she'd teach me how to purge because I always back out as the gagging begins. We're both going for the same body type, we're the same height and age + build so it's all good. We're going to watch eachother and make sure the other doesn't get to skinny.

[Syvelocin]

Please don't. If it grows, it's not going to be "Okay, I can see my ribs. I'll stop." It simply won't. I'm thirty pounds underweight right now. I never wanted that. My period stopped, which was my goal, far before I stopped starving myself. It's a drug. You can't just stop doing it, as you can't do so even now. And it will just get harder to overcome. The sooner you fix it, the easier it'll be (I feel like I'm repeating what I said in November's VT Podcast).

I wouldn't go along with that, hun. I don't know who would want to teach their FRIEND how to purge. Why would she want to lead you down this path? It's hard for me to even read about it like this, let alone to see someone going through it.

Please hun. I told you my story for a reason.

Best wishes.

[BeautifulDisaster]

You don't want to purge.
Trust me.
Get rid of that friend of yours.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Yeah, I know. I'm working on it but it seems like everytime I take a step in the right direction, I jump three steps back again.
I ate close to 1000 calories each day of the weekend. About 800-1000, but as soon as I hop on the scale and notice the weight gain, I fall right back to 300-500 calories a day.
I don't even know if it's ED-NOS because their haven't been times where I've continuiously starved myself. I don't think I've gone a day without eating before. I just restrict my calorie intake.

Are either of you guys seeing a professional for you're eating disorder?

[BeautifulDisaster]

Yeah, numerous times. Seen an ED specialist before too, Not much help for me, but I'm treatment -resistant, so... yeah.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Oh I can understand that! I'll probably be like that too. =p At least you tried. That's the important part.

[Syvelocin]

I've been seeing someone for years and my personal doctor has been getting into the ordeal recently.

No matter the eating disorder we're dealing with, it doesn't matter if you completely starve yourself or just restrict your calories. I've gone days without eating, but I obviously never stopped eating since I'm still here ;) People with eating problems might go a period without eating, but unless they let their organs fail, they will start eating a bit eventually. And then it could really be any amount of calories they eat.

I've never been told so directly, but with the diagnostic criteria I've looked over and how my doctor is going about helping me, I'm quite certain I have/had anorexia nervosa.

[BeautifulDisaster]

well, i think you should try too.
no harm in trying to get help.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

But what if you haven't gone periods with starving yourself? That's why I'm wondering if I even have an eating disorder or if I'm just really critical of myself. =\


I will, I plan on it. I have to wait until my doctor has a spot open for me to see her. The problem with getting help is that I'm planning to join the Army in June and they won't take you if you're diagnosed with anything. I already have to go to get my Bipolar diagosis overturned (because it was bogus), It wouldn't look good if I had to get something else overturned as well. =\

[Syvelocin]

No, plainly restricting calories is a problem also, and can still be diagnosed as any of those eating disorders.

[BreatheHopeIntoMe]

Ooh okay...