My bf and dejavu. Please help!

[Kelsey123]

okay so a few months ago my bf (at the time we had been together about 2 1/2 months) went to a strip club called dejavu with his friend. He told his friend it would be okay to go when he asked. He claims he spent most the night outside chewing and talking...
But I found out about this a week and a half after it happened. He lied to me for a week and a half and I have a little trouble trusting him now. I mean I still have bad thoughts about dejavu and sometimes those thoughts are hard for forget...

I mean I keep thinking of some nasty girl being on his lap at the club and it's disturbing. I wish I could just forget.

We have moved past it. We are happy' but this is one of those things that just linger and sting,,,kwim?

The worst part is that he lied and he came clean when I got drunk and started going on about how much I love him and would forgive him of anything and how much I want total 100% honesty because he's important to me. When I found out about this it was completely out of nowhere. I had no reason to think he would ever do that...and it hurts knowing he did...

I have forgiven him, I really have. But it's just hard for me idk what to do...

He obviously new it was wrong to go when he had a girlfriend right? I mean we have been committed a long time.

Thoughts? what should I do? How do I feel better?

anyone else been through this?

[Donkey]

Hi Kelsey,

It's good that you've forgiven him. But as a human you can't just forget about the trust that has been lost as if it didn't happen, as it did and you're going to have to get through that and eventually it will settle. Could a strip club just be a "boys' night out" thing rather than a "let's cheat on my girlfriend" event? I don't know, just an idea. I doubt he really meant any harm to YOU by going, which is the most important thing. It didn't harm you.

Some people get through relationships through cheating, so comparatively this is fairly minimal. But it's how it makes you feel rather than how the action compares to that of other people's. So what should you do?

I think you should obviously forgive him as you have and stand by that. We all make mistakes, I tried putting on my shoes before my socks this morning - I admit it. What matters is that we have apologized and that we have moved on from those mistakes. Look at the positives of this, your boyfriend didn't have to tell you at all but he did, it may be difficult to think of it like this but he did that for you right?

How do you feel better? Well there's no remedy to instantly feel better about it I'm afraid, some people turn to alcohol but that's not a good idea as we all know. Essentially, time. Time is a great healer, in this situation too. Eventually the trust will be regained and you will both be at the same point you were before. Until then, stay close - don't start straying apart from this.

Being close to someone is the main way to build up trust in a relationship, make sure you continue talking regularly etc., don't let the relationship go downhill from here. Think of it as a speed bump, a small glitch but you can speed up again straight after it back to how you were (even though on a road that's dangerous, but that's irrelevant).

Good luck with your relationship :)

[Kelsey123]

Well, seeing as he lied I don't really know if I could ever consider it okay for him to go to a strip club as a guys night out. I mean if he had talked to me before hand then i honestly would have thought it over and considered it but I don't see that as a possibility now...

We are very close, and I love him so much. This is not a deal breaker at all, in fact NOTHING is a deal breaker. I would never leave him no matter what. But sometimes the thoughts creep in and I wish they would go away...

[Donkey]

Did he actually lie to you? As in, "I definitely DIDN'T go to a strip club a week ago," or did he just not tell you? I can understand your frustration, but a strip club isn't quite like a brothel. It's becoming increasingly like a social place, like bowling or the cinema.. except for men, at least from my perspective. As you've mentioned, it's definitely nothing to split up over.

I just think talking it over and staying close is the best you can do.

[Kelsey123]

He didn't tell me. And yes that is a lie. He knows he did wrong. we've already talked about it a couple times actually.

When two people are in a committed relationship it is not okay to go to a strip club, unless it is agreed upon by both parties but like said, he failed to discuss it with me.

sometimes i'll remember it and it makes me sad, I feel like we lost something.

[Donkey]

I agree he did wrong and he should have asked you. Nothing anyone can really do to be honest, just go on in the relationship as normal. You did lose something, but it's by no means something that's permanently gone. In a year or two, I doubt it will be on your mind at all. You will likely trust each other more by then too. As I said before, time is a great healer.