Fear... Is it?

[Alexithymia]

I'm not sure what's going on right now. I'm classifying this as a mental crisis because of my reaction when I figured something out. (Didn't go to the razor! A bit proud of myself.) I'm gonna start from the beginning, which means this will include a bunch of topics from VT.

A few months ago, I realized I was gay. I was okay with it, I guess, but I just wanted to be normal. I decided on a date that I would tell my friend, and amazingly I did. He took in exceptionally well, and I soon got over my fear of others finding out I was gay. I was only depressed when I knew that someone who was perfect for me would never love me back. It truly sucked. (21st was the date I joined VT, and originally I joined because I wanted to get help with the whole depression/gay thing.)

A few weeks ago I became more depressed. It was hopeless. Useless. Nothing was worth it. My friends sucked. They became distant, or rather I did. I tried to immerse myself back in socially (last Monday) and that didn't turn out too well. Over Thanksgiving break I became probably close to the most depressed I've been. I move the futon over to the front of the TV and just watched TV. I didn't get on my computer much the first or second night. When I did get on, I got on VT or World of Warcraft most of the time (with Ventrilo up, of course) and just messed around. Then Wednesday or Thursday night, I cut myself. Four times on the arm. I enjoyed the pain and the relief I got. Too much. I started cutting a lot.

The mental crisis part comes in here now. (This was tonight) I just cut myself again, and I was taking a shower so I didn't have to in the morning. I thought to the future, and I realized soon I was going to have my physical. I sighed, it sucked normally, but not too much as a hassle. Then I remember the the doctor would see the scars. I kind of fell over (or squatted/sat) and started hyperventilating. What would I do? Then I thought about gym and track, both where I would change, both where I would be made fun of. The rest of this night I was just freaking out, and my memory has been failing a lot. I'm not able to keep my train of thought for more than 5 minutes. I'm not able to remember what I just did. I'm not able to keep track of time, at all. I remember freaking out about something else, but now I forget what it is I freaked out about. I'm insomniac right now.

Sorry about the long post. I know that it seems like I'm probably just crying out for attention, and on some sub-conscious level I probably am. I don't know where else to go and I'm starting to get worried now. I'm just going to end this and hope for the best. (And don't tell me that it's late at night, I always think the clearest at night.)

[RockstarRocks]

ok well first of all u need to no that there is nothing wrong with u being gay. its fine and anyone who does not like u because ur gay they r not worth getting upset about because its fine that ur gay. plz dont cut urself because of people dont let them do that to u. i use to abuse myself and i stoped i mean i wouldjust take my fist and slam it into me. i stopped though. no matter how mad or sad u get its not worth doing that to urself. because u dont deserve that to happen to u. and those friends who dont talk to u no more. there not worth the time. if they were true freinds they would care to help u. im going through something where i dont want to talk nomore and im afraid that if i dont talk anymore they wont talk to me and get distant. but im going to online school soon. but i think tomorrow im going to not talk anyway. if they r true friends they will care to ask what is wrong with me if not then not worth it. anyways plz dont cut urself. and ur gay so what it makes u happy. and anyone who loves u will want u to be happy.

[CatchingOrigami]

I know how you feel, about the insomnia and the mental crisis part. (im neither male nor fully homosexual)
you should really find someone to talk to, even if they're just on the internet. although its nicer if theyre there in person. it's difficult i know.
How obvious are your scars? It's taken a while to get to grips with, but i've managed to act as if I had no scars whatsoever, disregarding anything, blowing off comments if people notice and joking about it.
When i act nonchalant about it, people tend not to notice as much, because you're not giving them reason to be suspicious or to see what you're hiding, becuase you're not hiding anything. it's kind of ironic i suppose, the best way to hide, is not to hide at all. i've known megan for a few months, and she only just found out about my self harm today when i told her. i wear short sleeves all the time :'] you'll be fine dear. if you ever want to tell someone something, im listening. even just chat n.n

[Alexithymia]

I know how you feel, about the insomnia and the mental crisis part. (im neither male nor fully homosexual)
you should really find someone to talk to, even if they're just on the internet. although its nicer if theyre there in person. it's difficult i know.
How obvious are your scars? It's taken a while to get to grips with, but i've managed to act as if I had no scars whatsoever, disregarding anything, blowing off comments if people notice and joking about it.
When i act nonchalant about it, people tend not to notice as much, because you're not giving them reason to be suspicious or to see what you're hiding, becuase you're not hiding anything. it's kind of ironic i suppose, the best way to hide, is not to hide at all. i've known megan for a few months, and she only just found out about my self harm today when i told her. i wear short sleeves all the time :'] you'll be fine dear. if you ever want to tell someone something, im listening. even just chat n.n

Thanks. I'm kind of just afraid... The scars aren't so bad. The scars are more like cuts right now. I'm more afraid of what my friends will say. They notice everything about me. They asked me a few times if I was gay before I even dropped any hints. And my parents will freak out if they see the cuts. My mom's already going through a hard time, so I don't want to scare her. The insomnia is getting bad. I fall asleep at 1, when I'm lucky. I'm not sure what to do about that. Thanks, again.

ok well first of all u need to no that there is nothing wrong with u being gay. its fine and anyone who does not like u because ur gay they r not worth getting upset about because its fine that ur gay. plz dont cut urself because of people dont let them do that to u. i use to abuse myself and i stoped i mean i wouldjust take my fist and slam it into me. i stopped though. no matter how mad or sad u get its not worth doing that to urself. because u dont deserve that to happen to u. and those friends who dont talk to u no more. there not worth the time. if they were true freinds they would care to help u. im going through something where i dont want to talk nomore and im afraid that if i dont talk anymore they wont talk to me and get distant. but im going to online school soon. but i think tomorrow im going to not talk anyway. if they r true friends they will care to ask what is wrong with me if not then not worth it. anyways plz dont cut urself. and ur gay so what it makes u happy. and anyone who loves u will want u to be happy.

I'm not that afraid of being gay. I've accepted it and learned that it's a part of my life. I'm not "out" yet, but I don't really think I have to be. I'm out to my friend but that was just because I couldn't handle the stress. The rest of my friends will have to figure out by the "He's cute." The only thing that I get worried about with my gayness is that whenever I'm in school, I feel odd and detached. I want to see a counselor, but I'm afraid to ask my mom. And I also want to be homeschooled, for many other reasons. I never realized it before, but I guess I haven't fully accepted that I'm gay... I think. Gah, too many emotions.

Edit: Sorry about the ridiculously long post. I'm not sure what's going on. Now when I think to deep about something it's almost as go into a sensory overload. My mind locks up a bit and I can't process information that well. Am I just going completely crazy?