Obsession with hospitalization

[Syvelocin]

I really don't know. I don't know why, I don't know how. But I think I like being in the psych ward.

I hate everything about it though. The cheery wall paint and the plastic pillows. The smell, the counselors, the non-vegetarian food.

I dream about being in the hospital. And I never dream about mental disorders or self-harm, but always about being in the hospital. And those dreams make me feel... at ease. Comfortable. Content. And wanting to go back. The one I had last night spurred this thread to be written.

When I am in the hospital, all I can think of is getting out, but when I'm not there... I dream about it and wish I was.

But I never even go to the hospital to get help. Even if I did, I've never received help in a hospital. All the times I've been, it was either against my will or an excuse to not be alone with myself since I don't trust myself sometimes.

What I'm asking... does anyone have an opinion on why this could be? 'Cause I'm clueless. It's really freaking me out. As I said, the place is awful. But I always long to go back. And now that I can't go back to the juvenile ward... part of me wants to avoid going because I'm afraid I'll never get out. But the other part says to hell with it.

[Fiction]

I don't know what this is sorry Rith, but i've had dreams before about going into pysch wards even though i've never been in one before :/ In my dreams I always see it as an escape from life and i suppose it does kinda seem nice at times in my dreams. Idk this probably isn't relevent since i've never actually been in one but your not the only person that has dreamed about it before. In the dream i was forced to go though :D

[Nevermore]

I've never been hospitilized *knock on wood*. I do have dreams about self harm. Whever I have the urge, I dream about it. Dreams show our sub concious thoughts coming to life. Perhaps subconsciously you like the feeling of getting away from life? I'm sorry I can't be much help. Maybe you wish there was a hospital that helped you and was peaceful so you dream about the perfect place to go when you feel down, and you feel better. My suggestion if you want to get rid of the dreams is to try to think about something else before you go to bed. Perhaps watch a comedy and focus on the characters or how funny that was. Maybe then something from that will drop into your subconcious and you'll dream about it? I'm not an expert on dreams, so I apologize if I haven't helped you at all, and it's a waste of a post. Hopefully I was able to help some. I wouldn't worry about having those dreams. I've had dreams about being hospitalized and well i haven't.

[DecemberFlower]

I have been to three different hospital one being perfect and the others being medium-secure units not a good place to be really as it's not always your choice which one you go in as I know through experience some are really nasty your better off out.

[RAWWR]

I don't know why you want to be hospitalised, but i just thought i should post to let yu know that you're not alone. I have never been hospitalised, but i dream about it frequently. I sometimes feel like its the only thing that can keep me safe, and i long to be there....

[RockstarRocks]

it might be because u feel like people there care about u or that they check up on u.

plz dont go back try not to. if u did get stuck up there and never get back out. u would probly want out again.

it will be ok. i no life is stressful. and depressing yea. but hang in there ok.

[Syvelocin]

Thanks everyone for the replies :)

I've been hospitalized too many times to count, and all of them have been traumatic in their own way. The counselors (save one that I've met) and the nurses never give a fuck about you. I hate hospitals and always hate the staff. The people are always great, but never really worth the strip search or the counselors forcing food down your throat even if you're only not eating because they put meat in the pasta for dinner.

But I don't know why I have this longing to be back. It's strange. But yeah, like I said, I know I shouldn't go since, knowing how screwed up I am, it won't be a seven-day stay, and I won't have my mum to bail me out of course. Then there's uni and my job. The craving hasn't gone away yet though.

[exploradora]

oh good, it's not just me... I was just in the hospital for 3.5 weeks, then got kicked out because it was a pediatric ward and I turned 18... I hated the fact that they made me eat 6 times a day, had to have a nurse outside my bathroom door, boredom, etc, but at the same time, I wish I could go back because it's safe and I don't have to make decisions. maybe that's why you're dreaming of going back, not having to care about things? I hope that made sense, and maybe helped a bit

[dead]

Well it may just be because you might really want to get away from everything around you.
If that makes any sense.

[deadpie]

They have the worse waffles known to man. Seriously.
The fucking "Quiet Room". You know what I'm talking about.
Those goddamn level systems. I got put on five foot restriction from one girl because they thought she was giving me a hand job under the table.
I hated how the mexican night guy would shine a flashlight in my eye to make sure I'm asleep.
Rec center was great. We played operation all the time.
I met some of my best friends there.
I said I was a vegetarian one day so I could try the vegan burgers. Quite good.
Abilify. 'Nough said.
Daily goals to do. List the A-Z's to coping! Memorize the Serenity Prayer! Bla fucking bla.
I was on level three for a while then got put on level four. I finally got to eat the bad food and not the shit food.
There was this ginger twelve year old girl who always rubbed her feet so she would smell really bad. She would whine allot and said she tried to kill herself because her dad wouldn't take her to some amusement park or shit.
The only music they could play there during rec time was some shitty 106.1 pop station that played lady gaga nonstop. That was depressing.
The guy who slept in my room was a fapping addict and turned out to become one of my favorite people on this planet.
I met a girl who's dad stabbed himself. Her story was quite powerful.
The nurses always smelt like cigarettes and I would embrace the smell everytime they came close by.
I got a shot in the ass two times. Once because my neck couldn't move due to how much medication they put me on. Second, well. Yeah.
They had this paper with smiley faces we had to answer every day when I got moved to out patient. I always circled the emotion, "Kinky".
"On a scale of 1 to 10, how suicidal are you?"
The places really made me hate my life more than I already did.


I know what you mean. I mean, it's been a while sense I was there, but I think about the place allot. I guess it's somewhat of an obsession. Don't understand it much, quite like any other thing I think of.

[dead]

Abilify. 'Nough said.
What do you mean exactly if I may ask, there was some shit that was created when they put me on that shit, but I understand every other thing you said right, most hospitals are like how you said minus the varying degree's of freedom and other small differences, but I don't quite get what you mean here. :/

[deadpie]

What do you mean exactly if I may ask, there was some shit that was created when they put me on that shit, but I understand every other thing you said right, most hospitals are like how you said minus the varying degree's of freedom and other small differences, but I don't quite get what you mean here. :/

They put EVERYONE on Abilify is what it seemed like. And they put me on the highest dose. That stuff should just be called Zombieshit, because it makes you feel like a fucking zombie.

[dead]

They put EVERYONE on Abilify is what it seemed like. And they put me on the highest dose. That stuff should just be called Zombieshit, because it makes you feel like a fucking zombie.

Yeah it does. It made me fucking shake after a two weeks being on it.
The thing I never really got about hospitals are the staff. I've been to a good bit and I've only had one with a good doctor, but all of them had fucking ignorant assholes as staff.

[deadpie]

Yeah it does. It made me fucking shake after a two weeks being on it.
The thing I never really got about hospitals are the staff. I've been to a good bit and I've only had one with a good doctor, but all of them had fucking ignorant assholes as staff.

It was an Indian staff lady that gave me the five foot restriction thing. She was a cunt.

[Syvelocin]

They put me on Abilify last time, to try and keep me from going psycho on them since I've displayed symptoms of psychosis in the past :P It was depressing. Not as bad as lithium, but I would only swallow it if the nurse in the morning was the one who would trust me and not make me show her my empty mouth afterward. Then I'd just slip it into my pocket :P

My last trip, almost the entire staff was black for some reason. Not that that makes a difference, but the cool guy Mr. Bob was the only white guy other than the guy who ran expressive therapy. That guy was definitely gay though :P I don't blame him. After a couple years of that job, I don't think you could stay straight. With the colouring with crayons and that exercise we did with writing a letter, then he'd make us close our eyes and talked crap about tying our letter to a balloon and letting it float off, along with all our worries and misery...

They gave you a veggie burger? D: The first day each time, they will bring me back meat from the cafeteria. Every time. I got eggs, bacon, sausage and a piece of toast for breakfast the first day, while I couldn't leave the unit since my psychiatrist would rather take his sweet time to see me. I told them I was a vegetarian, and they gave me a packet of saltines from the snack room O.o It didn't really help that there was barely anything I could eat, on top of normally not eating more that 500 calories a day anyway. They got mad at me for not eating my meat and they thought I was lying after a while when I was telling them I was a vegetarian (I guess so I didn't have to eat or something? I don't know. I don't understand hospital counselors)