So Sick of Being Me!

[Clairvoyant Disease]

I am just so sick and tired of my family members and their comments! It's like they don't measure their words, or like they don't have a filter when they speak! I hate eating in front of them because I am either not eating, not eating enough, or eating too much-and then I have to hear their comments on top of all of it-it drives me insane! They know how uncomfortable I am about the situation already. I just feel like such a freaking pig and then when they stare, I just want to crawl into the nearest hole and fester for all it's worth. Every time I make the decision to make a turn for the better and try and get over my eating disorder they direct back to the same position I found myself in the first place-and the craziest thing is...THAT IT ONLY TAKES ONE COMMENT and I am back to my old ways! Sometimes I wish they weren't so superficial because then I wouldn't have to go through such great lengths just to please them, it kills me to have to please them...but at the same time I have this compulsive need to please them-to be absolutely perfect in every aspect. And as crazy as it sounds I only feel better and complete when I am puking my insides out and cutting, I feel like at that moment in time things will be ok and everything else can be forgotten...even if just for a while. I hate my life-it's such a drag having to go day by day just being me, pretending as if what they say doesn't penetrate right through...it just hurts being so insecure.

[Charleigh]

i know how you feel. no matter how hard you try it will never be good enough and everything you do could be better. being yourself is the best thing you can be, you dont want to be perfect.
the way i see it, you do want critisism, who doesnt! and when you get praised all the time all you think is fuck this i want to do that and your head begins to go up your own ass.

just be you, be who you wanna be. your family only critisises you because they probly had a different image of you. fuck what their image was, all that matters is you are what you see and you see what you get (or get what you see, i forgot the saying :L )

somethings will hurt you. no matter how hard you try, you cant see the shit and pretend to not smell it. there are always going to be difficultys. but you have to remember, no matter what the situation is, no matter how bad it is or may seem ... its only going to make you stronger. but at the same time, you dont want the comments and remarks getting to you. when i told my mum i wanna be a machanic she said, you cant fucking fix yourself never mind a car, but in my head i just thought, yeah you can talk bitch im gunna be better than youll ever be. im never going to be beter than my mum, but its jsut the positive thought that can get you going :L

as for cutting ... i cant be a hipocrite i do it myself! but when you cut at the same time you might be giving a satisfaction, youve cut so they know they have pissed you off but at the same time might hurt them. just rise above it. p.m me if you wanna talk about it.

as for chucking up your food. ive been there and done it. if they critise your eating just think to yourself, fuck you i like the taste (DONT ACTUALLY SAY IT TO THEM).

i bet your awesome. you just have to find who you really are (:

if you need anything p.m me