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View Full Version : Bad Story Chapter 1----- comment plz


smalltowngirl9189
November 28th, 2010, 05:51 PM
As I walk through the crowded hallways, all I can hear is, "What class?" "Yeah, I hate her too!" "Oh! He's cute!" "WE HAD HOMEWORK?!?"
It was Friday, but not your average Friday. I have work after school so I'm not the most enthusiastic that it was the last period of the day. Okay, first off I should explain who, what, and how I am.
The name is Jennifer, I'm a senior in highschool. I'm a cheerleader (barely), I have super hot, cutie for a boyfriend. My life at home is totally different story. My mom pressures for perfect school work. My dad is pretty cool except if I'm in trouble.
Anyways back to real-time, real-life, in a teenagers eyes, I'm walking with my boyfriend, Thomas. With him being a star football player all of the girls are on him, including me. Sometimes it can be depressing sitting in your boyfriend's lap, laughing at his buddy and another girl walks up and asks him out, in front of you.
The main girl I fight off of him is Kimberly. Kimberly is the head cheerleader at our school, and the 'Barbie Doll'. Thomas and I have been best friends since he stole my tuna sandwich in pre-K. We grew up together and in elementry school he would defend me when kids picked on me. In middle school he asked out the guys I liked for me, and always use to help me pick what to wear. In highschool upto our junior year he always defended me from bullies since I was practically a nobody. In elementry school I use to always bring him junk food and do his homework, since I was a geek. In middle school I use to always ask out the girls he liked, and give him ettiquette lessons from a girls point of view, not to mention do his homework. In highschool I began having a huge, ginormous, secret crush on him.
I couldn't tell anybody about my secret because then he would find out straight away, because Thomas D'nminski always had connections. Finally, we decided to go to the beach house like we did every summer, but this time it was different. All of our friends ducked out at the last minute which means it would be Thomas and myself for one whole week. As soon as we got to the beach house I went straight to my room to unpack, and so did he. About twenty minutes later, there was a knock at my door, "Jen, you wanna hang' at the beach with me for awhile, I got towels.." I quickly responded with, "Just a second, let me get my swimsuit on then I'll race you down there!" It was tradition to race down to the water.
As soon as I beat Thomas by ten feet of lead way, he layed down two towels on the sand and set up an umbrella to give us as much shade as we were going to get in the mid-day sun. Of course I moved my towel where only my head was underneath the umbrella, so I could get a perfect tan line. I set the alarm on my Iphone for twenty minutes so if I fell asleep I wouldn't burn. Just as I go to set down my phone, Thomas grabs it out of my hand. "You better not go through my emails, texts, or instant messages!" I say. "I won't, I just wanna play that bubble pop game, it's sooooo kiddish but, soooooo fun!" Thomas says back on the defensive. I lie back down and fell asleep.
I woke up to the alarm, but also to Thomas looking at me daydreaming. 'I don't think he saw you...' I say to myself. Thomas quickly snaps out of his daydream to the sound of the maracas in the ringtone. "I see you're done..." he says quickly still being woken from the drowsy daydream. "Nope, not yet. Twenty more minutes, por favor Senor!" I said laughing at my horrible spanish. "Si Senorita, veinte minutos." He responeded back knowing that it made me aggitated he could speak spanish.

Sage
November 28th, 2010, 11:24 PM
Work on exposition. There's a difference between speaking colloquially and writing from a first-person standpoint.

Nickster
November 29th, 2010, 10:36 PM
I think it's great so far. :)

smalltowngirl9189
November 30th, 2010, 05:07 PM
Thanks guys! ill try to post more..

Nickster
November 30th, 2010, 05:45 PM
I can't wait to read the next chapter.

Jess
November 30th, 2010, 05:51 PM
I think it's pretty good

smalltowngirl9189
December 1st, 2010, 05:59 PM
Thanks.. I have 9 chapters written (rough draft) and im in the process of typing them.