So... getting better?

[Fiction]

I'm pretty sure i have some kind of EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eating_disorder_not_otherwise_specified)
I have quite a few symptoms of anorexia, i'm the right weight for it (although my weight changes often and sometimes i'm not) and I have the right mentality but there are other physical things on the diagnostic criteria that I don't have.

I've been thinking about it and really i have two options:
1) Do nothing and end up with proper anorexia.
OR
2) Try to get better.

So it doesn't take a mastermind to figure out which one I should do, but 2 will be hard, and i'm not sure I can do it. Whenever I eat a certain amount i get this intense guilt and i really do feel horrible about myself :/ I am still going to try and get better though, eating more and not counting calories and not weighing myself anymore. Only trouble with this is i can FEEL when i put on weight.

Eating more is the easy part really, it's dealing with the thoughts and feelings associated with food that's the hard part. At the moment I am 11lbs lighter than I was before all of this started and being the same weight as I was sounds scary as hell, but i really want to get better :/ Anyone any idea how to make myself better from these thoughts and feelings? :/

I'm kind of scared as well. Scared that because this is the first time i've really tried to get better, that if i fuck up it means i can't get better. It's one thing just letting it develop and another to try to get better and not succeeding. I'm determined to make this work, just a little apprehensive.

[Perfect]

If I were you, I would consider going to a therapist.. It can really help with the thoughts and the feelings. If you continue on this path and don't get help, you could possibly end up needing more help than outpatient therapy, such as the possibility of inpatient treatment or residential. It is much better to catch it now than to try to heal later, because it is so much harder to fix the longer it goes on.. I wish you the best.. <3

[Fiction]

Thanks for your advice. I don't know how to tell my parents that i want threapy and i don't know how they will react :/
if i try to get better then i might manage it maybe?

[Perfect]

I know it's hard. I know exactly how hard what I am telling you to do is. It was one of the absolute hardest things I've ever done in my entire life, but I would be lying if I didn't tell you it was the best decision I've ever made. You can't control how your parents will react, but they love you. They really do, no matter how they react. If they seem angry, they may be confused, or angry at themselves, or the disease, not you. Maybe try talking to a teacher or counselor and seeing if they could help you tell your parents? Trust me though, talking with your parents about it now is so much better than talking about it later, when you are in medical danger.
You might even just tell them that you are stressed from school and whatnot or feeling a bit depressed and that you think seeing a therapist may help. From then, you could discuss what is going on with the therapist, and if he/she wants to tell your parents, you could do it together, and they could answer any questions your parents may have and also serve as a buffer between you and your parents.. Just a thought.. :)

[Fiction]

Well i'll leave it a bit. See if i can get better myself first. But thanks :)

[Fact]

I'm kind of scared as well. Scared that because this is the first time i've really tried to get better, that if i fuck up it means i can't get better. It's one thing just letting it develop and another to try to get better and not succeeding. I'm determined to make this work, just a little apprehensive.

Well i'll leave it a bit. See if i can get better myself first. But thanks :)

Be careful about it?
Last thing you want is to try and get better then fall flat on your face and not be able to get up.
Try not to be too apprehensive about it, if you want to get better, you will. You've got the support of everyone who matters, except your parents, and if you want them to support you too, then you have to let them know about it.

Good luck though, see you tomorrow ^^

[Fiction]

Thanks Symone. I did pretty well today and i managed to pretty much block out all the feelings of guilt but they are here now. And I have this horrible horrible feeling i'm going straight back to it tomorrow ><