Panther
November 28th, 2010, 03:48 AM
As you can see, i'm not a regular poster but i believe i need to at least talk to someone about what rages inside.
I'm a very timid person. I naturally shy away from social situations or situations that will require me to meet new people. Why? It's sure as hell not because i don't want to make new friends/meet new girls, but it's because somewhere somehow, my self esteem is so battered, so destroyed, that i constantly re assure myself that i'm not good enough to be with anyone, or talk to any girls. My self confidence is in ruins.
Rewind back, 7 years ago I immigrated to the United States, and found everything miserable. I went to a public high school where I was never really able to fit in, and I was always scared to talk to people due to the language/culture barrier. My accent was made fun of a lot, and being the very sensitive person I am, I always took it hard. I tried so hard to imitate the American accent so I would be accepted... I always ended up sounding funnier and embarrassing myself even more. Eventually I became the weird kid and obviously no one wants to associate with the miserable.. The more i tried to fit in, the weirder i came across as and eventually my self confidence became practically non existent. My parents could really care less, they're busy hustling in the land of opportunity to create a better life for us. My older brother is in university and doesn't keep in contact. My younger brother, whom I dearly love, is still 10 years old and cannot relate to my burden. I have virtually no one to talk to.
So I had to pull through pangs of loneliness in the 4 years that ensued. Fastforward to after high school graduation, I try my best to remedy my situation by talking to people, but I am so scared to the point where I develop a severe stuttering problem. Anxiety levels increase so much that I can't look anyone in the face or make a phone call without my heart rate increasing. Each day becomes a challenge. I've become so dejected that I see no purpose in my life anymore. But, I have to carry all this within and seal it shut, and always put on a smile for my parents and everyone else because i don't want them to know what's going on. I don't want to be asked questions about what's going on because Even if they know, they will not be able to do anything. I'm expected to get A's in all my college courses like my brother because that's the only reason why i'm in college. I'm expected to go to church every sunday, read my bible and make sure i pray regularly and it kills me to know that they think i'm so perfect.
My heart begins to well up with hate. I can't take it anymore... People live normal happy lives all around me, and act like their world is so perfect, while mine is going up in flames. I decide to channel all this hate into a positive source and I start going to the gym. I quickly become obsessed with it, seeing as I make incredible progress.. I spend the next year working out regularly, day after day, with my only motivation being the tears i keep shedding inside. I eventually lose all my weight, and become muscular, completing an amazing transformation. I start to get compliments from classmates and neighbors, and my confidence increases tenfold. I realize that i just proved to myself that maybe i'm not so useless afterall. Eventually I've made a couple of "friends" who I make jokes with in school, but nothing more.
But as these days continue I realize that even with the perception I have of my physique, and the fact that I've learnt to be a little more social doesn't make a difference. I have become so cold and terrified of the people around me. Everywhere I walk i see people staring at me, judging me and making fun of me inside. I realize this is not true, but i can't quiet that voice inside from telling me so. I just have nothing.. absolutely nothing.
Hate continues to build up, but I continue to workout which eases the pain temporarily. Like I mentioned, I am also in university and it is really really affecting me from my studies. I have no motivation to study, or do anything because my head has just become a big space filled with hate and doubt, and i'm getting sick of the questions people keep asking me when i walk around, if i'm ok, or why i'm always looking sad or frowning, because i can't TELL them why, but they keep asking.
I am now 20 years old, and I begun this journey when I was 12. I've never really had someone I could talk to about all this, because I frankly don't think anyone cares or is willing to help. This is the first time i'm just pouring everything out there because i feel that if I don't, i might do something irrational, i believe i'm experiencing a mental crisis. I'm contemplating going to the hospital in my university for some kind of therapy, but i wouldn't feel comfortable telling all this to someone else in person. I hope the kind fellows here can provide some insight on my situation and possibly steps I could take to live a happier life.
I'm a very timid person. I naturally shy away from social situations or situations that will require me to meet new people. Why? It's sure as hell not because i don't want to make new friends/meet new girls, but it's because somewhere somehow, my self esteem is so battered, so destroyed, that i constantly re assure myself that i'm not good enough to be with anyone, or talk to any girls. My self confidence is in ruins.
Rewind back, 7 years ago I immigrated to the United States, and found everything miserable. I went to a public high school where I was never really able to fit in, and I was always scared to talk to people due to the language/culture barrier. My accent was made fun of a lot, and being the very sensitive person I am, I always took it hard. I tried so hard to imitate the American accent so I would be accepted... I always ended up sounding funnier and embarrassing myself even more. Eventually I became the weird kid and obviously no one wants to associate with the miserable.. The more i tried to fit in, the weirder i came across as and eventually my self confidence became practically non existent. My parents could really care less, they're busy hustling in the land of opportunity to create a better life for us. My older brother is in university and doesn't keep in contact. My younger brother, whom I dearly love, is still 10 years old and cannot relate to my burden. I have virtually no one to talk to.
So I had to pull through pangs of loneliness in the 4 years that ensued. Fastforward to after high school graduation, I try my best to remedy my situation by talking to people, but I am so scared to the point where I develop a severe stuttering problem. Anxiety levels increase so much that I can't look anyone in the face or make a phone call without my heart rate increasing. Each day becomes a challenge. I've become so dejected that I see no purpose in my life anymore. But, I have to carry all this within and seal it shut, and always put on a smile for my parents and everyone else because i don't want them to know what's going on. I don't want to be asked questions about what's going on because Even if they know, they will not be able to do anything. I'm expected to get A's in all my college courses like my brother because that's the only reason why i'm in college. I'm expected to go to church every sunday, read my bible and make sure i pray regularly and it kills me to know that they think i'm so perfect.
My heart begins to well up with hate. I can't take it anymore... People live normal happy lives all around me, and act like their world is so perfect, while mine is going up in flames. I decide to channel all this hate into a positive source and I start going to the gym. I quickly become obsessed with it, seeing as I make incredible progress.. I spend the next year working out regularly, day after day, with my only motivation being the tears i keep shedding inside. I eventually lose all my weight, and become muscular, completing an amazing transformation. I start to get compliments from classmates and neighbors, and my confidence increases tenfold. I realize that i just proved to myself that maybe i'm not so useless afterall. Eventually I've made a couple of "friends" who I make jokes with in school, but nothing more.
But as these days continue I realize that even with the perception I have of my physique, and the fact that I've learnt to be a little more social doesn't make a difference. I have become so cold and terrified of the people around me. Everywhere I walk i see people staring at me, judging me and making fun of me inside. I realize this is not true, but i can't quiet that voice inside from telling me so. I just have nothing.. absolutely nothing.
Hate continues to build up, but I continue to workout which eases the pain temporarily. Like I mentioned, I am also in university and it is really really affecting me from my studies. I have no motivation to study, or do anything because my head has just become a big space filled with hate and doubt, and i'm getting sick of the questions people keep asking me when i walk around, if i'm ok, or why i'm always looking sad or frowning, because i can't TELL them why, but they keep asking.
I am now 20 years old, and I begun this journey when I was 12. I've never really had someone I could talk to about all this, because I frankly don't think anyone cares or is willing to help. This is the first time i'm just pouring everything out there because i feel that if I don't, i might do something irrational, i believe i'm experiencing a mental crisis. I'm contemplating going to the hospital in my university for some kind of therapy, but i wouldn't feel comfortable telling all this to someone else in person. I hope the kind fellows here can provide some insight on my situation and possibly steps I could take to live a happier life.