Bleeh.

[1_21Guns]

had kinda swore I was going to stop whining on here because everyone elses life is probably far worse and I should just shut up and get on with it, but yeah.
my mum's drunk, came pouring out with more random truths she'd never tell me sober.
she dragged me into her room and went on at me for a whole hour,
these rants have included me discovering a few things;
when her parents were still together, my grandad created hiding places in the celler for hidden bank accounts, she found them.
when she was pregnant with me, my auntie tried to kill her, and my grandma for that matter.
also just found out my dad tried to get into my auntie.
speaking of my mum and dad, i've mentioned this before but I was undoubtably a very bad accident, to the point the condom split.
list drags on a while and has escaped me, seeing as it's been discovered over a few years, contrast with a few weeks it's hard to remember, particularily when it's things you'd rather forget.
then when she'd finished going on about the past, she proceded to go on about my auntie being a whore, my dad being a twat, my real grandad being a manwhore, my grandma never forgiving my uncle, my step-grandad coming off antidepressants and the fact christmas is going to go to complete shit, that mine and her head is going to be cabagged all xmas because we'll have to pretend everythings okay as usual and blaaaaaaaaaaah.

frankly, when the optomist of the family says it's all going to go to shit, it's most likey going to shit.
nothing I say on here is going to change that though, so I may aswell stop whining, this was pointless.
don't know, needed to get it out.
worst bit is that's not even half of it.

frankly it's making me wish I was dead, Christmas always does, always has.
I'm 16 in two days, couldn't care less.
My parents broke up 2 years ago on 3rd December, fuck knows what's gonna happen that day.
In all honesty, I often find myself wondering why my suicide attempts have always failed, either I've never had the guts, or what it did simply didn't work.
I just never fucking die and I'm everyones fucking punching bag.

I can't move away anytime soon, and it's all I fucking want to do.
I'm nothing like them, I don't belong there.
She keeps going on I'm just like him, and it actually makes me wish I was dead.
Wish I'd never been born.
I always seem to get in the way, cause a problem, fuck everything up for both myself and the people I love.
Be quite happy to just fade away right now, but as per fucking usual,
nothing fucking works.
don't know, don't care, can't be arsed.
I sound so pathetic, don't even know if I'm going to bother pressing submit at the end of this pointless rant which anyone who has the patience to read, I feel sorry for you.
Really, everything is so much worse for others, there's much worse going on and I've escaped the worst of what I was going through, yet here I am still whining like it's still happening.
Nightmares won't kill me.
Flashbacks won't kill me.
Yet I still sit and whine as though it's the end of the world.
Seriously, I'm pointless, useless, I do no good anymore.
I don't know why I'm still here, but I'm damn sure I shouldn't be.
I've been playing strong, because everyone needs me to be, but I'm not.
It's shown through recently, the sudden moodswings, insomnia, snapping, screaming.
Why am I not dead yet?
I'm quite possibly the most unlucky (in terms of my parents) child ever.
There was the smallest chance on this earth I could've been born, yet I was.
Seriously. Why?
What's the bloody chances eyy?

I don't have the energy or drive to try and kill myself mostly, nor do I have it to live tbf.
Everything feels so pointless, at times I know what I want, then others I just sit and think what the fuck am I doing.
I'm that stuck in a dead end routine, I can't bare to break away.
I can't stand change.

I stare at the house everytime I go past, I stare into the car everytime I see it.
I really am just the numb child he described me as.
Too stupid to let go, too stupid to sort myself out.
Lifes overrated, seriously overrated.
And once again I'm sat whining about next to nothing.
I'm just going to shut up now, this post is going to be a mile long and I have no idea about what I've said.
Oh well.

If you did bother to sit and read all that, sorry for making you read such a pointless post.
Just kill me.
Fed up.

[Hyper]

No life isn't overrated and what your going through can't really be described as ''living''

But to be brutally honest (about the only thing I might be great at) it's all you - whether all of this breaks you or ''toughens'' you up it's all up to you

There really is nothing you can physically do - even if you get away from your parents you'll still think about all those things..

I can relate to your feelings and having been through them, though I'd say in a more mild way, I tell you there really is two choices for you; give up or try and stand above it

People aren't ''accidents'' and if somebody tells you that you are a ''stupid child'' their most likely stupid themselves or have some serious issues.

I don't know you at all so I'll stop now before I make my own mini rant here..

[1_21Guns]

Thanks Hyper, I guess so

I know if I get away I'll still think about it, got away from my dad's abuse and still think about that every day, I've always tried to stand above it, guess it gets tiring,
anyways, thanks again.

[georgiamay]

prepare yourself for a long waffly answer.

I do no good anymore.

Well, that's not true. Do you know how many people you've helped on this site? A lot. Your replies are always helpful, so you can't say you do no good anymore; you do a lot of good around here, that's for sure.

Really, everything is so much worse for others, there's much worse going on and I've escaped the worst of what I was going through, yet here I am still whining like it's still happening.

Things that happen in the past effect us a great deal. Just because it's not happening now doesn't mean that you don't have the right to "whine" about it. That's not even a good word to use, because it's not whining. It's getting things out of your system. People that have experienced something traumatic or something similar in their lives often still have nightmares or flashbacks, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. And just because other people have experienced something.... I don't want to say 'worse', but something that to you seems a lot more traumatising, doesn't mean that you haven't been through something too. You are still effected by your past, and that's understandable (from what I can tell), it's not pathetic. I'm still effected by my past, and I know people have been through worse things. But that doesn't mean that I shouldn't be effected.

Nightmares won't kill me.
Flashbacks won't kill me.

No, they won't. But they can make you feel like it's happening again, and that's not a good thing. You shouldn't say that just because they're not fatal it means they don't matter. They do matter. The fact that you have them shows that what happened must have been in some way at least traumatising for you.

Why am I not dead yet?

Because you're alive, and you deserve to be. Just because your parents didn't want a child it doesn't mean that you shouldn't be here. You deserve to be here. Remember that.

Too stupid to let go, too stupid to sort myself out.

You are not stupid. Letting go is hard, that's why you can't. It takes a long time to let go for a lot of people, and that doesn't make them stupid.

Lifes overrated, seriously overrated.

So's katy perry, but we won't be getting rid of her for a long time. And maybe for good reason, because a lot of people like her. And I know a lot of people like you as well, because you're so kind and helpful on this site, it's pretty much impossible to dislike you.

If you did bother to sit and read all that, sorry for making you read such a pointless post.

I bothered to sit down and read it, and I don't accept your apology. You have nothing to be sorry for, nothing. And it wasn't a pointless post, it was being you getting things out of your system, which is not pointless. That's what this forum is here for, right? So no, it's not pointless, and you don't need to apologise for anything.

Long post, my bad :P

I'm here if you ever need anything, you know where to find me :hug3:

[1_21Guns]

Thank you Georgia, means a lot :heart: :hug3:

[Fiction]

First of all, this post is in no way pointless, sometimes you just need to rant :)
I always feel like everyone's life is worse too, and often think that i don't deserve to feel how i do so i know how you feel, but you have to stop comparing yourself to others. Something going on in your life is going to be a BIG thing to you no matter how small whatever is going on is. As for your problems i wouldn't even say they where small.
You'll be able to move away in a few years, just keep that in mind :)
As Georgia said, you do loads of good here on this site. Why are you on this site? Your here to help people so how can you say you do no good. You've helped me before as i'm sure you've helped loads of other people.
You just need to stay strong and keep going. You said your over the worst so your life has got better before? Surley that means it can get better again and i believe it will. Feel free to contact me if you ever need to rant/talk.

[1_21Guns]

Thank you Kathy :heart: :hug3:
I guess you're right, you all are.

[Mike321]

I did sit and read though all of it, twice actually, you dont need to be sorry for ranting, we all need to do it sometimes.
I do feel really sorry for you, you have been through a hell of alot, and you said yourself that the worst of it is over, keep that thought in your head, you know you'll be able to move away in a couple of years.
And there is no way you deserve to die, look at all the people you help on here, you always offer great advice.
Your a good person Nat, dont let anyone tell you any different.
You can get through this.
As you know, feel free to message me anytime

[1_21Guns]

Thanks Mike, I hope so, I really do.

[RockstarRocks]

i can tell by what ur saying. that u feel like u mess everything up without trying. i always feel that way to. and u feel that ur problems r not worth careing about. i feel that way to. but to urself they r important just like mine is to me. u want to die but urafraid to die. just like me. and i also hate my moms family droped them from my life not my mom just her family. so i can see where ur comming from. but u have urself thats whats important.and ur problems r important to. and plz dont try to kill urself. u deserve to live.