My dad read my diary >.<

[georgiamay]

yup. Yesterday while I was at my mum's, he came round and spoke to my mum in private. After their talk, they came into the living room and my dad took out my diary. I panicked and tried to snatch it off him, but he pulled it away.

He read it, every word. Some of the stuff that's in there I probably haven't put on VT, and I put most things on here. I've written in there about every cut, burn, urge, right the way through to every sick, twisted degrading dream I've had. My parents now know everything that goes on inside my head, and I can even begin to explain how I felt at the time when I found out.

My mum took me upstairs and inspected my body. She saw all the scars and cuts. Only 1 is still a cut, the others were all so pathetically shallow they faded and now there's only a tiny little scar. It was so embarressing. I felt so ashamed of myself.

We went downstairs and my dad said I should cancel the councelling session I've booked, because he didn't think that was enough. He's sending me to a psychiatrist next teusday, the same one I used to see what I was about 12. I only saw him once or twice.

When my dad left, me and my mum had a hug. It sounds pathetic, but it lasted over an hour. I kept saying how sorry I was, and she kept telling me not to be sorry. She kept holding me until she realised that it was late, and I needed to sleep.

The whole time this was going on I was trembling uncontrollably. This morning, I woke up and felt so numb. I hated it, I felt nothing. I don't know why, maybe it was the shock that I can't hide anymore. But all day I've been on auto pilot. My brain is doing the thinking, but I feel nothing.

It made me want to cut even more, because I wanted to at least feel something, but I know I'll be having another inspection tomorrow, so I stopped myself.

There was no point in this thread really, I just needed to get it out. My emotions are pretty much non existant right now, but my head is still screaming at me, if that makes sense.

But my dad thinks I have something clinically wrong with me, because the stuff in the diary wasn't "your average teenage hissy-fit."

I'm going to shut up now, I've waffled on for long enough.

[xgeekyrocksx]

i know how you feel.. okay, maybe not as bad as how you feel, but close to it. My mum read my diary a while back- when i was still cutting all the time, and she wasn't even sorry about it. i guess you dad is worried about you, maybe its his way of showing it, but im glad that your mum was so nice and that she understood your.. if not much, then better than your dad did.
i find it an invasion when my mum reads my diary because i write everything in there, and she says im lying to her when i dont tell her what im feeling. maybe i am, but i still think we all need personal space- no matter what. and again, im sorry your dad did that xxx

[Syvelocin]

Oh boy :(

I have to start with how much that sucks. It does. I can only imagine, but I do know what's in my own diary, and I have some pretty twisted things in there myself. But I can only imagine what it would be like for anyone to read what's in there.

It makes me mad, knowing that a parent would do that and has done that. There's a reason entries written in a diary wouldn't be on a public blog or a forum like VT or even discussed with a therapist. The brain is a complex thing, and for some people, it strays a bit from what someone would normally think about. I love journaling because I always feel like my brain is so cluttered, getting those thoughts out is like sorting or organizing it... but the brain is something that should be private, the beauty is that only you know what is in your brain. But diaries... there's a reason you don't just read it to your parents like a poem or something. And I never got why parents would invade their kid's privacy like that. It makes me angry :(

And to read it out loud... that's cruel. >.<

That feeling you described though, the numbness. That reminds me of when my parents found out that I SI. It was... unsettling. It wasn't a private thing like it had been. It became a family issue. And that's when I realised that I really had problems. When it existed only in my mind and only to myself, it was just a normal thing. Then when other people were involved... I saw that it wasn't normal at all.

As horrible as it is, it'll never go back. After it comes out, you never really get back to where it was a private issue. But with time, it fades again. So you're seeing a psychiatrist again. With what I know can be in a diary, at least it's not being hospitalized. The numbness will pass, your parents will... eventually, forget about it as much. Eventually they'll leave you alone more. As traumatic as it is, you can choose to look at it in a better light. A lot of what was in your diary should not have been seen. But a psychiatrist might be good. I think checking you for new cuts is stupid, but apparently it gives you a bit of motivation to not cut, which could be a good thing in itself. It isn't the smoothest or most ideal of outcomes, but it's an outcome at least, right?

I'm sorry :( I hope you feel better.

[whereismymind]

I don't know what it feels like to have someone do that, but its just unfair he'd do that and he doesn't sound too understanding. It sounds like your mum cares I think she's just worried at the moment give it a while and they'll calm down. I'm sorry to hear this has happened but I hope things get better soon :).

[closed]

That's just so awfull and wrong in so many ways i shivered while reading this.
It is really awfull. Your dad just invaded violently into your privacy. I don't know how could i move forward after that. But you are strong. You will do it. And i actually do recommend to use the professional help. It is totally privet, and he should tell you that he is not allowed to tell anything that you said to your parents. It may really help you. Maybe this is all for good.
I am really sorry because of what happened. i'm with you.
Talk to me if you ever need someone to talk to.
Good Luck

[Love.Hate]

Thats not good :(

My mum reacted in the same way yours did,
examined me and we just talked and hugged.
My dad doesnt know, she said she wouldnt tell him because he might over react.
I know that numb feeling all too well, and my god yes it makes you
just want to feel again. Feel something.
Its good your getting help, I wish i could say i was. My mum said at first she
would but then she said its "just a phase". So really your dad is just looking
out for you. even though he shouldnt have read your diary :/

Hope your ok, keep resisting xx

[myskias]

i know what youre feeling. the numbness before the emotions.. if youre like me, everything will feel MUCH MUCH better soon.. trust me

[Mike321]

Georgia, I'm really sorry to hear what happened, I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel.
He really shouldn't of read your diary and especialy not out loud. Atleast your mom reacted quite well and was supportive.
I'd recommend you take the professional help, even if it helps you a little, its worth giving it a try.
I dont really know what else to say, but your a really strong person and I know you can get through this.
Once again, I'm really sorry to hear what happened
As you know, feel free to PM me if you need a chat

[Fiction]

Your dad shouldn't have read your diary but you even said it yourself... at least your getting help now. it might all be for the best in the end. Your dad probably only did it because he cares about you, and your mum definatley showed she cares. You know i'm always here if you want to talk xxx

[Clairvoyant Disease]

I've been in your place and know how the whole situation weighs on you like a ton of bricks, but the first couple of months are always the hardest when it's out in the open then after that it's not as dreadful. The eerie feeling will always remain in the back of your head when you're around them, but you'll learn to ignore it. I wish you well with everything.

[georgiamay]

Today was better, I actually had some emotions, even though it was only anger.

To be fair, it wasn't like he went looking for my diary, he found it by accident when he went into my room to close my window, he saw it sticking out the side of my bed.

At first he refused to give it back, and said he wanted to show it to the psychiatrist, but I used my amazing persuasion skills (sarcasm) and convinced him to give it back to me. I told him that they were my thoughts not his, so I should have the right to do what I want with them. Then I said, "how would you like it if I could see everything that went on in your head? I'm sure you've had thoughts that you don't want me to know about." I was pretty proud of that one :P

but yeah, this was a bit of a rant. I'm just getting a bit... I don't know >.<

I'm starting to get a bit worried about the psychiatrist now. My parents think there's something clinically wrong with me, and my mum works in the mental health field, she knows about this. I'm scared of getting some kind of diagnosis, it'll just seem to official.

Sorry, I'm rambling again. I'm probably jumping too far ahead as well, but I can't help thinking about it.

Thanks guys :)

[Fiction]

Having a diagnosis, i can only really see as a posative thing. It doesn't change you, it just gives you a name of what you've got, it just gives people a better idea on how to help you, and get you better :)

[Mike321]

Glad you had a better day today, and like Kathy said if they do diagnose you with anything, atleast you'll know what it is and how you can get better.
:)