its hard for me

[dying lullaby]

its so hard for me to keep up this front of being able ot keep it all together. lately for no reason at all ive been cutting again. the urge is so strong. noone knoww that i'm doing it again, but i know my best friend will find out eventually, she always finds out. anyway, i just want to talk to someone about it...i can't even bring myself to tell my therapist because i am so ashamed...i mean im supposed to be the strong one who has it all together (finally) and doing this is just back tracking to the days befor i even started to see a therapist or go to the hospital or anything.
i feel bad because i am lieing to all of my friends and family and doctors when they ask me if im still doing well. i cant tell them that ive let them down. ive let myself down.

[~Cookie~]

You havent let ANYONE down.Its normal for peole to relaps.You need to tell someone and ask for help.Im sure everyone will be happy that you told them so they know to help you more then usual.I don't know whats going threw your mind so I can't really give you anymore advice.The best I can say is I get random urges to.I've started cutting again after stopping for over a month.I know you can stop again.Message me if you ever need to talk ^-^

[Bobby]

Hey Bri,

You should go to a conselor or therapist. I know, I know you don't want to but it's something you have to do. I know you can build up the courage :)

[dying lullaby]

i am in therapy and i have such a positive relationship with my therapist that i am scared to tell her because i keep telling her that im doing so well. plus theres no reason for the relapse. it feels like im giving up on the whole 'healthy' thing when i cut, but i know that its just a part of the process of getting better.

i know that im doing better than i have in the past. 3 years ago i couldnt go more than 3 1/2 hours with out having withdrawl symptoms from cutting, and now i just have urges. but it still kills me that im not done with this.

[mRojas2000]

Hi Brianna!!
I just spent an hour reading your post... you can do it :)
Just remember at any cost that you haven't done anything wrong! You aren't letting anyone down... it's not your fault if your life is ewwky!! Just remember that there is still people who love you, and that if something happens they will all be there to help you and support you... just don't let yourself down, and stay cheered up :) Just try to have a life as normal as you can.. try getting away of everything that stresses you, and I'm sure you'll be fine :)

Keep it up, and take care!

Miguel

[-Silence]

Hey Bri, missed ya.

I know that im doing better than i have in the past. 3 years ago i couldnt go more than 3 1/2 hours with out having withdrawl symptoms from cutting, and now i just have urges. but it still kills me that im not done with this.

I'm sorry this may seem harsh but you can't be "just done with it." The urges are going to be there for a really long time. An example - an alcoholic. They can't just throw away their urges to pick up a bottle, they fight it. They have urges every day of their lives, but they choose to fight it, as much as I hate to say it, it's an addiction. Hun, cutting's the same way, the urges are going to be there but you have to find something else to do it relieve it other than picking up that razor, another outlet.

Your counselor is there to help you, how can she if she believes that you're doing great when really you're not? I was the same way with mine, she thought I was doing great, and I'd walk in there with a bright looking mask on and talk about school and other stuff that I really didn't give a shit about, until one time I walked in there too tired to fake and handed her a notebook. It read how I felt and I went to the hospital after she read it. I was shaking so bad and I couldn't even look at her and she called my dad and he drove me there. Not long after that I crashed again and my dad tried to be there and comfort me and the next day I packed my bags and moved out. Now I'm living with a friend of mine from work, and doing better but I still think about cutting every damn day. Now I pick up the razor about once a month, nothing compared to before, I haven't cut deep since I moved out, but still it's not good enough.

Bri, hun, you haven't let them down though, they know that it's hard for you, and I bet they're proud as hell of you for how good you have been, let them know and they can help you.

No matter what I love ya, okay? Take care and hang in there.

:hug2:

-Heather

[dying lullaby]

thanks guys, and heather thank you espically. i love you and i miss you as well. thanks

[infextus disease]

I'm sorry this may seem harsh but you can't be "just done with it." The urges are going to be there for a really long time. An example - an alcoholic. They can't just throw away their urges to pick up a bottle, they fight it. They have urges every day of their lives, but they choose to fight it, as much as I hate to say it, it's an addiction. Hun, cutting's the same way, the urges are going to be there but you have to find something else to do it relieve it other than picking up that razor, another outlet.
-Heather

cutting is an addiction. medically speaking this is what happens when you cut or self injure. your nervous system sences pain. your bodies natural reaction to pain is to release addrenoline and other chemicals. these chemicals are said to be infinitly better or rather more effective than say morphene or codien. once you are used to having these chemicals in your system you become essentialy chemicaly dependent just like an alcoholic. your body will end up craving these chemicals and because you have the habbit of cutting to release these chemicals your brain subconsciously links cutting to these feel good drugs. thus cutting is NOT an addiction, the chemical relase caused by cutting is the addiction.

so how to work around this... there are many things that can release adrenoline or my personal favorite endorphines into your blood stream. one of the most pro-active one is physical activities. running, walking, biking, swimming, tennis, hacky-sack w/e you prefer. if you get the urge to cut replace the thought of cutting with the thought of doing an activity that you enjoy.

i used to cut i admit that. ive been self injury free for over a year now. at first when i was trying to quit cutting i had some issues and yes even relapses where i thought i was okay i thought everything was okay n the next thing i knew i was cutting... so im not going to lie to you and say its easy cuz its not. ne ways i started playing hacky-sack again n it helped me quite a bit. if i got really stressed out i would honestly go out side in my back yard and split wood... the good thing about that is it either calmed me down to the point where i didnt wanna cut again or i was too tired to even think about it any more.

another way to help curve the urges is to meditate. sounds kinda hoaky i know but im not talkin about sitting down with your hands on your knees saying "owwwummmm" just where ever you are think about happy things, think about things that you really want as long as they are positive.

to continue on... if its really bad call a friend up, somone you trust n see if you two cant go for a walk to just walk n talk.


ps. another plus to physical activity is it gets your blood flowing and more oxygento your brain which allows you to think more clearly. pm me if you wanna talk some more about this

[dying lullaby]

last night i cut again...really bad. it was weird though, because it didnt feel like it uaually does. this time it hurt, it was this concentraited white hot pain tearing my skin. as i was doing it i was pleading with myself to stop, literally saying "stop" but i kept pulling the razor down my arm. it was intense. so intense.

[Bobby]

Well remember the physical pain and think who it's hurting...it's hurting you. It's also hurting everyone that cares about you.. like us :)

[infextus disease]

im not gunna yell at you or send you down ne guilt trips... its never helped me nor did it help ne of my friends when they did... but maybe it was a mental awakening... the pain was real and you consciously thought and said no but you had no control. this means a few things... one that physical pain is not helping you to cope with the mental pain. two its become a subconscious behavior which in turn means you might need a lil extra help... which is why people like me are here on vt. if you want or need somone to talk to pm me n ill give you my screen names. im on like alll the time even at school so yeah but its up to you

[aryadorable]

i know how you feel; and belive it or not i went thru the same thing.
if you ever need to talk message me.

[dying lullaby]

i have limited access to computers so i didnt get to read all of this supportive stuff last night...i cut all over the place. my arm is covered and my bed was covered with blood
it was not good...i had to call a friend to keep from taking a bottle of pills to attempt to kill myself

[mRojas2000]

Hun, I know you can make it... I've read tons of your post, and you seem a pretty strong person... just remember that there are people who love you, and imagine how they would feel without you :(

[kurlyopapa]

Everything will be ok u know wat I do? I use rubberbands it works b/c it's inflicting pain. Hope everything works out 4 u!;)

[dying lullaby]

thanks everyone. i went to the doc and he changed my meds...it turns out the new med i was on was making me sucidal and want to cut. i'd never had that happen before so i didnt know that thats what was happening. but i feel alot better now and i think everythings going to be okay. :)
Love you all,
Bri

[Bobby]

That's great Bri! I'm sure things will get better from here :D

[mRojas2000]

thanks everyone. i went to the doc and he changed my meds...it turns out the new med i was on was making me sucidal and want to cut. i'd never had that happen before so i didnt know that thats what was happening. but i feel alot better now and i think everythings going to be okay. :)
Love you all,
Bri

Man... I didn't know meds could do that! :eek: Anyways, glad you're fine now ;)

[dying lullaby]

yeah, meds can be very dangerous. most anti depressants and anti anxiety meds have the possibility to make you worse, more depressed and very suicidal. it was very scary but now i know how to deal with a reaction to a med like that if it ever happens again. thanks for all the support guys, you helped me through a very hard thing i was going through.

[-Silence]

Love ya Bri

Glad things are looking up

:hug:

[terith]

*HUGS* Hey man I kinda know how you feel,but you do need help,I am kinda a counselor myself,I went through this and so can you,you just have to want to get through it and,I know this will sound wierd,but TELL SOMEONE!!!!!,because if you don't it could lead to something majorly bad man,I've seen it happen before. I am glad your seeking help but you just have to tell somebody about your cutting.