Broken

[ShaneK]

My whole life I have been broken. When I was younger I was abused and tortured (my back is covered in scars and marks they aint never gonna go completely). I've been raped and beaten for years its almost all I remember of my younger years. I am a thief and a drug user. I sell myself and get into a lot of fights. I know im too highly sexed and violent. I am told I am very cynical of the world and always find trouble. I cant blot out my past and it is slowly killing me as my behaviour becomes more self destructive. I am a hypocrite I go out of my way to stop people doing the very things that I do myself.
I cry myself to sleep because the world is so f'd, i care very much about the environment and animals. I cant eat meat or even wear leather. if im with someone and they want to eat meat I have to leave as I cant bare to see that.
I always try and help people especially my friends I am fiercly loyal, I dont want anyone to turn out like me. I have pushed away all of those who were trying to help me, as people around me always get hurt. i dont think i make any sense as I am worthless. I am just a piece of meat, everybody wants a piece and once they've had their fill im worthless again

[ShaneK]

thanks for the help. story of my life i always deal with s**t myself

[Antebellum]

I'm so sorry, I will try to help you the best way I can. I can't imagine all of what you went through. But just remember there is always someone here. Don't think of yourself being helpless.

Seems like you been through a lot. Do you have a school counselor that you can talk to? I can be able to talk to you, and give you advice, but I would recommend you talk to a counselor at your school, if you really need help.

[ShaneK]

its not right of me to ask others for help, when i cant cope myself. And if i cant cope then i dont see what anyone else could do. Its my **** for me to deal with

[Sith Lord 13]

its not right of me to ask others for help, when i cant cope myself. And if i cant cope then i dont see what anyone else could do. Its my **** for me to deal with

You are coping. So long as you're alive, you're coping. All you're looking for is help to cope better, and that's exactly what those people are here for.

[ShaneK]

I hurt the ones i love and those around me. i cant justify doing that, but if i dont do these things.... i would be psychotic. Sometimes i do lose control of myself. You are right i do WHATEVER is necessary to survive. But sometimes i wonder why

[Sith Lord 13]

I hurt the ones i love and those around me. i cant justify doing that, but if i dont do these things.... i would be psychotic. Sometimes i do lose control of myself

I understand that. That's why talking to a counselor of some sort is a great option. They can help you with that.

[Tristin.]

remember, were here for you shane :)
X

[ShaneK]

They would lock me away, most likely saying im too violent.

[Sith Lord 13]

They would lock me away, most likely saying im too violent.

Don't make assumptions like that, they're not nearly as likely to lock people away as most people think.

[ShaneK]

Before a fight was a fight, now some sai too far. The last guy i fought with was half dead. It use to be easier to walk away... now i dont

[Sith Lord 13]

Before a fight was a fight, now some sai too far. The last guy i fought with was half dead. It use to be easier to walk away... now i dont

Again, I understand. Talking things out should help with that.

[ShaneK]

I have such rage in me. I really got my own back on some of those sickos, but then i think what of others. Some of the kids i grew up with just couldnt survive it, guess we werent supposed to. Why did i survive? Guess im just stronger, but im not worthy of surviving. I waste my gifts andf my life

[Sith Lord 13]

I have such rage in me. I really got my own back on some of those sickos, but then i think what of others. Some of the kids i grew up with just couldnt survive it, guess we werent supposed to. Why did i survive? Guess im just stronger, but im not worthy of surviving. I waste my gifts andf my life

What makes you feel that way? I can tell you for a fact everyone is worthy of surviving, and no person is more or less worthy than anyone else.

[ShaneK]

Peeps say i waste my potential, i know i do. Im very fit and smart enough but i do nothing with it (well i do but it aint that good). Maybe if i try that school thing out for a bit, but i aint living in the care of the state.

Others i did know what be doin well in school what do i do, steal and sleep around for my money (and way worse). I'm too used to taken care of myself now. I think im better with the physical things than the mental, i aint no einstein. All that energy and time wasted fighting and the drugss its pathetic

[Sith Lord 13]

Peeps say i waste my potential, i know i do. Im very fit and smart enough but i do nothing with it (well i do but it aint that good). Maybe if i try that school thing out for a bit, but i aint living in the care of the state.

Others i did know what be doin well in school what do i do, steal and sleep around for my money (and way worse). I'm too used to taken care of myself now.

OK. I don't know anything about your situation, but would it be possible to find someone to stay with who might be a friend or family member? That might give you the freedom to go to school.

[ShaneK]

I went to school for a lil bit, just doesnt work with me. I am staying with a very good friend of mine. I am just trying to earn the money for an apartment. I just need a lot of outlets for my rage thats all. i know i can easily make enough money i use my best asset my looks.

[Sith Lord 13]

I went to school for a lil bit, just doesnt work with me. I am staying with a very good friend of mine. I am just trying to earn the money for an apartment. I just need a lot of outlets for my rage thats all

One outlet I have to suggest is therapy. I'll be glad to offer you any counseling I can here, but I have to say a local counselor could do even more for you. As for other outlets, perhaps art of some sort? Writing/creating can allow you to get shit out. Another option is doing physical activity. Use a punching bag perhaps?

[ShaneK]

I enjoy writing even though im s*** at it. A punching bag will never equal another person. I prefer an unpredictable opponent, the challenge of it. Meditation used to help me, but it aint in quite a long time.

Forgive me i never told you what i went throught did i?

well guys would have their way with me. or/and some what to hurt you i mean really hurt you. Good looks is a blessing and a curse i suppose. So i work with what i have

i do have to add woman can be in my experience more sadistic than men. They are the deadlier sex

Forgot the drugs i was so high i could touch the moon!

All i have to offer is myself.

[Sith Lord 13]

I enjoy writing even though im s*** at it.

I highly doubt that.

A punching bag will never equal another person. I prefer an unpredictable opponent, the challenge of it.

True, but it may still help somewhat.

Meditation used to help me, but it aint in quite a long time.

Do you know why it stopped helping.

Forgive me i never told you what i went throught did i?

well guys would have their way with me. or/and some what to hurt you i mean really hurt you. Good looks is a blessing and a curse i suppose. So i work with what i have

i do have to add woman can be in my experience more sadistic than men. They are the deadlier sex

Forgot the drugs i was so high i could touch the moon!

Life is hard. I understand that. /understatement
If you ever want to talk, my contact info is on my profile.

[ShaneK]

yeah i left never to go back, or rather i escaped is a better way of putting it

i know loadsa f'd up things like on heroin you can still have sex, you really can. what a thing for a kid too know....

[Sith Lord 13]

yeah i left never to go back

The abuse you mean? That's good. Getting out of the abuse is the first, and often the hardest step.

[ShaneK]

yea it is. But its the first step on the road, but it makes me wonder about whats happend now though. I dont know what to do anymore. i can have sex and fight whats my cv:

- can floor a marine
- can do the karma sutra

aint really gonna get me a job though. My whole life has been about very little compared to the norm. I have missed so much.

But i am very proficient in all that i can do, i aint a normal for my age, hell for any age. I can survive that I can survive anything

[Sith Lord 13]

What schooling have you had?

[ShaneK]

I aint really had formal schooling much, so i dont have anything i can really compare it to. Just bits here and there, did go to high school briefly but they expelled me.

if i had to guess i would say two or three grades below my age

[Sith Lord 13]

I aint really had formal schooling much, so i dont have anything i can really compare it to. Just bits here and there, did go to high school briefly but they expelled me.

if i had to guess i would say two or three grades below my age

My suggestion would be to look into getting an education. It's much harder to get anywhere without getting your high school diploma or GED.

[ShaneK]

i aint got time for nearly three years outta my life, i will look into as soon as i get another way of earning money. Sure theres a way i can do it

[Sith Lord 13]

i aint got time for nearly three years outta my life, i will look into as soon as i get another way of earning money. Sure theres a way i can do it

There's always a way. :)

[ShaneK]

yea were theres a will theres a way. hell any job will do, just no more movies. oh and nothing with the puplic, i aint good at dealin wit large groups of strangers in person. yea gotta be some part time fast track.]

May i ask what you think of my state of mind? f'd

The things i value and believe in, cant be reconciled with what i do. its like positive and negative........

[ShaneK]

Just got back from work, time to start saving. Not much left after i buy what i need. hell i just need to work more. a detox would be good but i aint got that kinda time, an im very moderate in my usage. I cant think of many other jobs i could do for this kinda money.

any ideas on well paid jobs

[ShatteredWings]

i aint got time for nearly three years outta my life, i will look into as soon as i get another way of earning money. Sure theres a way i can do it

there is, but it's a hell of a lot easier to if you have a deploma, or at least a GED (they're not the same)

[ShaneK]

How long does it take to complete a GED?

[Sith Lord 13]

How long does it take to complete a GED?

It varies. What country/state are you located in?

[ShaneK]

Brentwood, LA

[Sith Lord 13]

Honestly, at only 15, you're gonna be best off trying to get into a local high school. You can't sit for the GED until you're 18.

[ShaneK]

Me in high school i aint even been to elementary. tried high school once got expelled.

Its now obvious to me that i have no common points of reference with most people. They wont understand or comprehend why i get blinding headaches. Even my beliefs why i cannot bare to be around people who eat meat, I have to leave i cant stand it. There are a few people who can understand but the majority just cant get it. Im not a person, im a conditioned toy trying to be a person. I fear I am beyond all hope of changing. I'm to sick now to break my conditioning fully

I am not going to be alright, i cant really get away. Its fucked me up proper, i cant get away from myself. i would give anything to be someone else, as long as its not me i dont care. I'm so empty and cold. I can be any sort of toy people want, nothings taboo to me. After all im only meant to be expendable, i aint supposed to live this long really, most dont. I can blow minds, even if it costs me a rib or two.

I cant pretend that i can be normal anymore, i need it cos its all ive ever known Even if my momm came to me when i cried for her night like a baby, it would make no difference. I need out, im fighting something i cant win against, myself its what am I. No more and no less

i except what i am now, all the things i try to do to escape just dont work.

I'm going to do what I was born to do, its my destiny.

Please do not double post. Instead, use the edit button- Fiction

I never have really cared about myself, dont be stupid like i am

[DrkZ90]

Frist of all, you NEED to try to get into school. That's the best chance to be "someone else". It will give you a whole new set of possibilities for your future.

Then, you should also seek help: both with your angers, and with the drugs. I bet you could do so much better without the drugs, no more need for huge amounts of money would really help you.

And last, trust others. I don't know you, but by what I've read I can say that you are a very valuable person and a nice guy. You've been though a lot, yeah, but you're still a valuable person, and seem like an awesome friend, people that know you should feel grateful for that.

You're only 15, you still have a lot ahead, and it can be so much better than what it's been so far. You just need to try once more.

[ShaneK]

Seeking help is my top priority im killing myself slowly. Without drugs in my body I will have a healthier mind. But its catch 22 the drugs help me at times to function. I'm not very good at trustin people it takes me years. Thanks for the compliment but you give me way too much credit, my friends do value me (I hope?)

School yes, but i gotta detox first and at least get a therapist or something. The future is full of possibilities, I would like to campaign for what I believe in. I know ive bored you all to death with it in blogs so I will say no more.

[DrkZ90]

Seeking help is my top priority im killing myself slowly. Without drugs in my body I will have a healthier mind. But its catch 22 the drugs help me at times to function. I'm not very good at trustin people it takes me years. Thanks for the compliment but you give me way too much credit, my friends do value me (I hope?)

School yes, but i gotta detox first and at least get a therapist or something. The future is full of possibilities, I would like to campaign for what I believe in. I know ive bored you all to death with it in blogs so I will say no more.

The fact that your top priority is seeking help is good, you're on the right track there :)

I don't think drugs help you function at times, rather, that you think they do, since it's part of what an addictive substance does: create an illusion of need. I'm glad you also know that they harm your mind, you just have to focus on that so you can take them out of your system completely :)

It's ok and perfectly understandable that you don't trust people easily. I'm here to help you, and I know others are. You don't have to trust us, other than read what we say when we are trying to help :) The same applies to other people in the real world too: counselors, physicians, etc.

I don't think I'm giving you too much credit. I'm sure you don't give yourself enough credit in fact.

School could be your first step to seek help, instead of the last. You would meet not only people there to befriend, but also have access to professionals, adults that do care if you seek help on them.

The future is full of possibilities, that's right, you need to keep that in mind, that you still have the chance to turn it around and have a better life, it's all up to you I thiink, you just need to trust and believe in yourself more :)

You're not boring us, at least not me. As I told you, I'm glad to help you if I can :)

[ShaneK]

I just can't catch a break in life. I make all the right moves, play all the right cards at all the right times and yet still I end up backed into corner after corner in life. Each time barely makin it out. I am tiring of the uphill fight that is my life, but where ever in the world I go my life is with me. It's always been all or nothing in my life, I have lost way too many people.

There is no reason why I continue to live, it's all I know it's what I do. I have to go on there are people who need me, I've been through too much to throw it all away now.

[ShaneK]

i am not broken or lost, just out of place. i go back to change my life

[Fourth Dimension]

im here for you too dude

[ErykaInspire.]

You're aware of your actions. You can control what you do.
Addictions are only addictions because you let them be.
We can give you advice, say what you want to hear,
when in reality.. only you can change what you're doing.
The past is in the past. I know you can't forget it, by any means. But you can move on. Take a step in a different direction. Hold your head up.
The world is, indeed, a shitty place. But that's only if you're looking at it through pessimistic eyes.

http://i114.photobucket.com/albums/n241/xxtinkerbellrule1xx/war.jpg

You say you want to change?
If you really wanted to, you would.

Try make a goal list.
-Make someones day.
-Give something to charity.
-Volunteer.

Get out and do things.

All i have to offer is myself.
You said it yourself.
And yourself has a lot to offer.

[ShaneK]

The things i dont do are goal lists an makin someones day.Thanx i will try an do them each day. But im goin back to where i came from to change my life.