Clairvoyant Disease
November 18th, 2010, 04:31 PM
Ugh! I tried not to cut again-I really did, but it was just an EPIC FAILURE! My mom and my sister really make it impossible for me-I swear! You see, when my mom found out I was cutting back when I was a freshmen in high school...she was in denial and refused to even acknowledge the situation at all, then because my aunt insisted that there was something psychologically wrong with me, she kept pushing my mom to take me to a psychologist. After many trips to different psychologist and a lot of stalling in my part-and adamantly refusing to attend any appointments whatsoever because I insisted that I wasn't and still am not crazy. My fits were constant, but there was no way I was going-and my mom had finally had enough that we made a compromise...I promised I would stop cutting if she didn't make me go. I didn't think that it was right that she try and take something away from me like that...if it made me feel better about myself in that moment-it wasn't so bad. So I ignored her and continued on, but they would routinely check my wrist and arms, so of course I moved on to other places it's not like they were going to make me strip for them, I mean the whole situation was already humiliating enough, they couldn't possibly drag it on, and they didn't. Once they were convinced, I could go back to my arms and it took a while to regain the space in my arms because I have always worn hoodies (I'm very sensitive to the cold weather, and even during summer I'm still freezing), but it happened and I started on again on my arms and wrists and then recently my sister found out (when I was driving my sleeve slide up), she promised she wouldn't tell if I stopped, I agreed (wink). And then today we had one of our famous arguments and like always-she brought my mother to it-and it's like our 4th fight within 2 weeks-and I absolutely hate the fact that my mother automatically picks my sisters side without hearing my side! She says I should know better, and this has always been going on since we were young, only when I was younger I didn't have to put up with it so much because I lived with my aunt until she passed away when I was 12. Anyway, now I am dreading my mother's return home and I can feel myself unraveling again, it's not like I woke up this morning intended on slashing my whole arm incessantly until I knew I was restored to tranquility inside. I don't know what to do and anticipation is gnawing at me...I really put in effort to try and stop, or at least minimize the self-harm, but everything and everyone make it impossible to even hear myself think long enough. I'm sorry for the long rant and for venting to you all, and putting you in misery while you read this...but yeah, really sorry.
P.S. I apologize for any grammatical errors in advance.
P.S. I apologize for any grammatical errors in advance.