For ****sake.

[Wish]

I really hate to come back on this forum and selfishly ask for support. I know I should be giving more out and I cannot excuse myself from this.

Things are overwhelming me. This is crazy. Last week I got a text from someone, some guy, a 'bully' (though I despise that word) who hurt me for two years. It was four years ago. I accepted him into our friendship group. Why would he text out of the blue to hurt me? I don't understand what I am. I wish I wasn't such a horrible person, that person people like to walk all over and hate with venom. All I can see now is flashbacks. The stuff he said, he did, he implied. It all hurts.

My stomach hurts so much because of this that I can barely move. I can hardly function. I've had these pains for years, went to hospital about it once. They said it was stress and that I had to get over it. I did. I hurt myself. I starved. I threw up after meals. The pain still exists. I still curl up in a ball to get rid of it. I still can't.

These last few days have been a nightmare. I'm panicking. I went home for the weekend. It was lovely but the arguing was constant. It was back to me looking out for everyone and keeping my parents calm. I'm tired. I got back to university on Monday and threw up and hurt myself. I haven't done that for a while. I then slept for 32 out of 36 hours, waking up simply to throw up. It wasn't entirely involuntary.

Now I am sat here making food lists and counting calories. I am wanting to buy scales. I want to start what I thought I'd left behind all over again. Counting calories is control while the work is mounting. Counting calories is the only thing I can hold onto. It's the only thing that I can concentrate on to calm me down.

I promised my friend that I wouldn't overdose but I am scared that I cannot keep to this promise. I had another panic attack today. I hate them.

If this is in the wrong forum, please move it. I'm sorry, I just don't know what to do.

[Fiction]

You know that buying scales will not help anything. You know it will only make you even more obsessive about your weight. You should try and find something else to hold on to, a hobby or something. Try not to count calories. If you've recovered before you can do it again and you know it will be easier to do it now than to let it develop again. If your insistent on counting calories, as something to hold on to, try and make sure your aim of calories a day a healthy one. Feel free to contact me if you want to talk.

[lightkun]

You know that buying scales will not help anything. You know it will only make you even more obsessive about your weight. You should try and find something else to hold on to, a hobby or something. Try not to count calories. If you've recovered before you can do it again and you know it will be easier to do it now than to let it develop again. If your insistent on counting calories, as something to hold on to, try and make sure your aim of calories a day a healthy one. Feel free to contact me if you want to talk.

This is good advice. I used to stop myself from eating and when I picked up horse back riding, I started to eat normally. Trust me, starving yourself will make your body go into "starvation mode" that means it thinks it needs to store food as fat in case there is a lack of food. So I would avoid that.

[allstar1995]

I get panic attacks too and i hate them they are awful i can totally relate to you i also agree that buying scales will tempt you to monitor your weight and wont help also try somthing to distracts you from making lists and counting calories. have you tried keeping a jounal?

[Wish]

Thank you for your advice.

I've tried to regulate my meals somewhat and just eat healthily instead of snacking. Going out and drinking is making me eat stuff because not eating causes stupid drunken-ness and, due to how destructive I get when I'm drunk anyway, I cannot afford for that to happen. I can't look at myself in the mirror. Everything I think about is negative regarding myself. I try to be positive, I really do, like telling myself I look nice and listening when other people say that I look nice but I just cannot believe it. It's not true and it never could be. Why should I trick myself into believing lies?

As for counting calories, I've tried hiding the book that I write it all down in. So far it's working, even though I know where to book is. I'm trying not to write in it. I'm still checking calories on things and such, but I think that's more about control. I'm not losing weight, I'm still horrible and fat and disgusting.

I also journal, in response to another question, and have done for a while. It is a huge, huge help for me even if some of what I say should never really be written down. It's nice to have a private outlet. I notice, from the journal, that there is a lot of negativity and some entries can simply be lists and lists of insults, so I guess that this isn't a good thing but I can't combat it. I don't know how.

I don't feel I can state this as a problem to anyone in real life, or in the outside world. They'd laugh at me, I know they would. They'd say I was too fat to have a problem or making a mountain out of a molehill. This needs to just go away. I am trying, it just won't budge.