Oh god, I cant go back...

[Aceso]

I can feel it. Literally. Depression starting to surround me like a black mist.
The purging and cutting urges are getting stronger every day. I'm starting to have memories of what it was like back then, and I am feeling like I'm starting to go back.
A few months ago, one of my friends had a nasty argument with me. It ended badly, and he blocked me. Recently I have added him again, but I am beginning to think its a huge mistake. But then, I miss him so much. I need him, he understands, or used to...
But I'm worried. He has changed, I'm frightened. Its not the him I know anymore, and I am scared for him as I am for myself. I'm torn two ways. I so desperately want to rewind two years, and cut out the second one, so he would be like he was when I first met him. I cant bear the thought of going through another year like last year. (as in academic year, rather than a regular year)
I NEED him. I wish I could break free and forget him, but I really cant, and even though I can bitch and rant to my friends about how much I hate him...I dont, not really. I want the real him back, I want him to be happy and well again, not on the boarder between a young offender and an ordinary person.
I feel crazy, I feel like he ruined my life accidentally. I feel like he doesn't care anymore and I feel like I'm sinking. God, I cant go back, not again, it would be too much!! Argh, my head is so fucked up, everything about me is fucked up and I wish I could tell him all my frustrations, but I cant because Last time i told him about my cutting he broke his promise, and told my mom! What if he tells somebody else. I just want to FUCKING SCREAM!
Truthfully, I would rather kill myself than go through that again. I contemplated stabbing myself with a stanley knife today, to see how far I could go...I didn't, but the thoughts are real and they are there.
I'm so confused. I dont want to be so suicidal again. Looking back, I'm surprised I survived those nine months of torture, but I am not sure If I can again.
Things dont fucking change. I should know that. He wont, I wont. Were both just as fucked as ever and if the only way I can stop it is death, then so be it, because I cant go through that again.

[Bath]

I can understand what you're going through. I feel my depression seeping through too, and I definitely know where you're coming from about the friend changing. My best friends have grown into superficial, fake, ignoring, hurtful people. I don't know if that's what happening to you, but I feel you regarding change and hating the change.

I'm not good with words, and it frustrates me because I really want to say what's on my mind but it comes out as complete shit. But I'm going to try.. don't kill yourself. Please. We all have mental breakdowns, and hopefully this venting had made you feel better at least a little bit. As much hate and hurt as you feel now, remember this -- all this pain is temporary. Pain and pleasure, they come and go. And for somebody dealing with depression, I know this is a more than difficult thing to grab. I kind of don't believe myself writing it, but from all my experiences I've had, it's proven to be true.

I don't know if I helped but I hope I have. I really do.
Always VM, IM, or email me if you need to talk.