LoveMe_HateMe
November 11th, 2010, 07:51 PM
I'm too wired up, too wound up to try and get to sleep... And I really need some sleep, me and no sleep equals me with a really short temper. But last night I had about 8 and half hours sleep. Feels like I had 2.
My mum keeps having a go at me for no reason, and I can't talk to her about it or anything really cause she just turns it back onto me, saying how its my fault or how boyfriend put me up to saying it etc. I can't deal with it anymore. I'm really struggling with coping with everything. I don't need her to release the stress she's got from work onto me. I've got enough of that on my own.
Boyfriend knows about my cutting now, and he told our friends (she does it too and her boyf has to cope with it etc), he told them to see if he could find a way to help me. I totally flipped at him. Now there's 4 people that know. That's 4 too many but, I understand he wants to help me, but the things they told him, I could've told him, I try some of the things already that they told him. But, I suppose there's nothing I can do about it now. But I've actually not cut in ages, it must be a couple of weeks now, maybe a month? I really don;t know. I don't keep track of it. But the urges are back. AGAIN. Even worse now. As in, not caring how much damage I do. And I've always been careful.
My thoughts recently, especially about an hour ago, really freaked me out. I heard on the TV. "Help me, I don't want to die" it made me think. I do. It'd make everything easier. And to be honest it scared the crap out of me. But, I suppose I have to deal with everything. I can't/wouldn't be able to do it anyway, I don't think...
But my moods have gotten REALLY bad, since I've stopped cutting/burning etc, and cut down on the amount of fags I have. At one point, boyf even suggested that I start cutting again. And before you start, he's not happy with the idea but he said he'd could make an acception, if it'd make me feel better. Him saying that made me feel worse. MEH.
I don't even know how I'm gong to cope and PASS my AS Levels. I feel like I'm struggling now. Been doing exams and such to see where we are...so far I've got a U, E, C, U etc. And we some exams in January. I can't afford NOT to do well in my exams. I need the good grades to be able to even think about applying to alot of universities. For the courses I've been thinking about doing they all need like AAA, AAB. They all need really high grades. I don't think I can be able to do that. Not even with revising.
I can't do this anymore. I'm really struggling. And I don't have anyone to talk to either. Well.... Not anyone who can actually HELP. Yeah I have boyfriend but he just helps more with the moral support rather than anything else. He keeps suggesting that I go to the doctors and speak to a professional but I can't. I hate going to doctors, I have a bit of a phobia about them. Don't know why.
Fuck this. Sorry for the HUGE rant.
My mum keeps having a go at me for no reason, and I can't talk to her about it or anything really cause she just turns it back onto me, saying how its my fault or how boyfriend put me up to saying it etc. I can't deal with it anymore. I'm really struggling with coping with everything. I don't need her to release the stress she's got from work onto me. I've got enough of that on my own.
Boyfriend knows about my cutting now, and he told our friends (she does it too and her boyf has to cope with it etc), he told them to see if he could find a way to help me. I totally flipped at him. Now there's 4 people that know. That's 4 too many but, I understand he wants to help me, but the things they told him, I could've told him, I try some of the things already that they told him. But, I suppose there's nothing I can do about it now. But I've actually not cut in ages, it must be a couple of weeks now, maybe a month? I really don;t know. I don't keep track of it. But the urges are back. AGAIN. Even worse now. As in, not caring how much damage I do. And I've always been careful.
My thoughts recently, especially about an hour ago, really freaked me out. I heard on the TV. "Help me, I don't want to die" it made me think. I do. It'd make everything easier. And to be honest it scared the crap out of me. But, I suppose I have to deal with everything. I can't/wouldn't be able to do it anyway, I don't think...
But my moods have gotten REALLY bad, since I've stopped cutting/burning etc, and cut down on the amount of fags I have. At one point, boyf even suggested that I start cutting again. And before you start, he's not happy with the idea but he said he'd could make an acception, if it'd make me feel better. Him saying that made me feel worse. MEH.
I don't even know how I'm gong to cope and PASS my AS Levels. I feel like I'm struggling now. Been doing exams and such to see where we are...so far I've got a U, E, C, U etc. And we some exams in January. I can't afford NOT to do well in my exams. I need the good grades to be able to even think about applying to alot of universities. For the courses I've been thinking about doing they all need like AAA, AAB. They all need really high grades. I don't think I can be able to do that. Not even with revising.
I can't do this anymore. I'm really struggling. And I don't have anyone to talk to either. Well.... Not anyone who can actually HELP. Yeah I have boyfriend but he just helps more with the moral support rather than anything else. He keeps suggesting that I go to the doctors and speak to a professional but I can't. I hate going to doctors, I have a bit of a phobia about them. Don't know why.
Fuck this. Sorry for the HUGE rant.