I'm crazy

[Nevermore]

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm psycho. I'm not even myself. I think it would be best if I could explain better what I'm talking about so you can better understand. Here is what I'm dealing with. I feel like I'm watching myself live life sometimes, but here's the thing it's not me. The person I'm watching living my life is NOT me. We look the same. She's me, but not. She's more extroverted and open with people. She's a Christian. She can play the I'm happy card and everything is fine and dandy. She's an excellent actress. She is a camelion. She will be the person the other people she's with want her to be to some extent. She has strict supper strict morals where even people cursing or sexually jokes is not OK, and will get very angry by that. She doesn't even like kissing. She tends to wear brighter colors. She tries to be optimistic, but she can't always be optimistic. I am a Pagan/ whatever religion I am at the moment. I am very introverted. I can never express me emotions or feelings. I'm very pessimistic. I am very down a lot. I'm very anxious. I'm a musical person and artistic, and feel the need to express myself other then in words. I tend to wear all black or dark colors. I tend not to really care about morals, however I'm too insecure and worried to do anything other than kissing. She doesn't care about cursing and curses. Sometimes our own personalities switch but our beliefs stay the same. Our ways of dress, our morals, always stay the same. It's just the usual emotion that sort of defines us stays. However she's always extroverted even when depressed, I'm well the opposite. I use I and she because I feel like we aren't the same. However we are, because we are one person and I can usually recall her memories and she mine. However that is not always the case. I tend not to remember important things. For example my ex and I had a song, it was our song. Bright Eyes by Dax Johnson. He mentioned it after months of talking and listening to it, and I had no idea what he was talking about. I couldn't recall us even having a song. That was embarrassing. When I get super anxious sometimes I turn into a little kid. I know this only because I act like an eight year old. *sigh*. I don't remember what I do or say I just watch myself act like a highly ADHD kid who had lots and lots of sugar.
So as you can tell I have no idea what's wrong with me. We are all the same person, just a bit different and can change in an instant. I can't control it. My boyfriend get's frustrated because we'll be joking around or saying things, and one moment it's OK, the next, "how could you say that?!"
So perhaps I'm psycho.
Now, how do I approach my psychologist/psychiatrist about this.
I really want this to stop and get better. I don't want to feel this way anymore. Any tips on bringing it up or wording it to my psychologist?

[Sith Lord 13]

First off, you're not psycho. We can't diagnose you here, but you're not psycho.

My thought is that, before you begin trying to talk to your psychologist/psychiatrist, you should try to talk to her, this other you. My suggestion, write her a note on a piece of paper (or a word document on the computer) and wait for her to write back.

If either of you ever want to talk, feel free to VM me (Or PM once you get enough posts) or get my contact info off my profile.

[tombstone]

I'm pleased your are seeking help :) Defiantly the best course of action.

I don't think there is anything wrong with just coming out with it the way you have here. Don't worry to much about wording it. You did a good job at describing the problem in your post.

[Nevermore]

Sith- That is a good idea. :) Thank you. I think I'll try that. I'm kind of curious on what she will say. What if she doesn't want to talk though?
Thank you both. You both really helped me a lot. :)
Tombstone- I'm glad you were able to understand it, that was my main worry. I think I might copy and paste what I wrote into a word document and change a few things and give it to her next time I see her, or read off of it. As soon as I do what Sith says.

[Sith Lord 13]

Sith- That is a good idea. :) Thank you. I think I'll try that. I'm kind of curious on what she will say. What if she doesn't want to talk though?

Please, call me Alex. :) Not a problem, glad I could help. If she doesn't want to talk, you'll just have to be patient. You can't make her talk. Hopefully she will though. :)

[Nevermore]

Sorry, Alex, I shall call you that for now on. Ok thank you. :)

[tombstone]

How you doing, made any progress trying to communicate with her?

[Nevermore]

I wrote a note down in a notebook last night, that I don't remember getting and put it somewhere where it's not obvious. So my parents don't see it. I'm hoping she finds it though. If not by Sunday night, I will move it to a different location.

[ShatteredWings]

...Try putting it where you found it, since that's probably where they're expecting it.

[Sith Lord 13]

Sorry, Alex, I shall call you that for now on. Ok thank you. :)

It's OK. I don't mind, just trying to be nice. :)

I wrote a note down in a notebook last night, that I don't remember getting and put it somewhere where it's not obvious. So my parents don't see it. I'm hoping she finds it though. If not by Sunday night, I will move it to a different location.

Probably a good idea. Just keep thinking about it. She should get it.

...Try putting it where you found it, since that's probably where they're expecting it.

Trying that's probably a good idea too. :)

[Nevermore]

The problem is where I found it, is an obvious place my mother would see. I have no privacy, so she would read it. However perhaps if I put something on top of it like another book, she won't see it (my mother). I'll try that. - Kyle

Oh, ok. :) - Alex
Thank you both for helping me through this.

[Sith Lord 13]

Any luck? :)

[Nevermore]

I've spoken to my psycologist about it, she thinks it's my anxiety meds. However I didn't explain in great detail, just listed the child, and the two main personailites with their details, because we had to discuss other things first. So I tried sending her an email with what I mentioned earlier in much better detail, but it didn't send, so I'm printing it out because I'm seeing her tomorrow.

As far as getting in contact with her, I forgot to move the notebook with the writing on it. Things have been really hectic at home. So perhaps she didn't find it? Because it has nothing on it. I'm thinking about moving it inside the pillow case. Because if she goes to sleep she'll feel it and it will annoy her so she'll have to look at it. Plus my mother won't find it.

[Sith Lord 13]

I've spoken to my psycologist about it, she thinks it's my anxiety meds. However I didn't explain in great detail, just listed the child, and the two main personailites with their details, because we had to discuss other things first. So I tried sending her an email with what I mentioned earlier in much better detail, but it didn't send, so I'm printing it out because I'm seeing her tomorrow.

Do you mind sharing which anxiety meds you're on? I've never heard of one doing anything like this, and I'd like to do a little digging. That possibility seems unlikely to me, but it's piqued my curiosity.

As far as getting in contact with her, I forgot to move the notebook with the writing on it. Things have been really hectic at home. So perhaps she didn't find it? Because it has nothing on it. I'm thinking about moving it inside the pillow case. Because if she goes to sleep she'll feel it and it will annoy her so she'll have to look at it. Plus my mother won't find it.

Sounds like a good idea. You also might wanna try saying out loud to yourself where it is. (Probably best done in private to avoid arousing suspicion.)

[Syvelocin]

It's a bit late and I see people have beat me to posting, but I thought I would contribute.

I found it just intriguing that you two are in the same situation Alex (not Sith) and I are in. See, we're also the exact opposite, just like you two are. She's the pessimist. Her wardrobe is fully black. She's introverted and quiet. As far-fetched as it seems, I'm probably the lighter one. I'm still not optimistic per say, but I do have hope for a brighter future. I don't limit my clothes to just black, I'm more talkative. Most of the personality traits one of us has, the other has the opposite of. That's why you caught my attention :)

I don't have parents to read my notes, but I put sticky notes on the bulletin board and Alex puts sticky notes in my journal (yep, she reads it) and that's our method, since we've finally separated to two users on our laptop (for more privacy).

Do you know if she mentally acts like or thinks she's older or younger? Just wondering. Since you both have different religions and such I just thought to ask.

The word document like Alex (now I'm talking about Sith) suggested might be a better route for privacy. If you leave the document open in the background, she might notice it eventually if you're still having trouble getting the note to her.

[Nevermore]

Alex- I think I'm currently taking Prozac. However it might have been changed to Z.... (i don't know how to spell it.) I can check once I get home. She (my psychologist) thought that the anxiety medicine I'm on made my personality split, because I'm still trying to find who I am. So it separated itself into direct opposites. However I've always been this way. So I don't think it can be the medicine, or me just trying to find myself. She (my psychologist) is talking to my psychiatrist about what it may be. I plan on telling her more today because I didn't get to tell her everything last week, so she can better help me.

Will that help me in remembering things (like events and times)? I will definitely try saying things out loud. I've noticed if I write things down like specific things on myself, so I don't lose it, it helps me remember. However I've only done this to remember times, and specific future events, like see science teacher 4:02. Perhaps if I was to write down past events specifically in a journal it will help.

Rith- That's a good idea with the sticky notes. I think I might do something similar in the future.
I don't know for fact she's older. I know mentally she thinks more maturely. She's also acts more maturely. For example she is hard on herself with school grades, likes to keep the room nice and neat. I on the other hand really don't care if I get a C or a B. I could definitely care less if I have a shirt on the floor, I'm a bit lazy. ^_^ However, I think she thinks my little sister does that. She's more tolerable with little kids, then I am. I get easily annoyed. She is much more patient. Even the way she talks to my parents. She can be civil, personally because I think they haven't hurt her. I can't stand my parents. She can talk to adults, and strangers easily, myself on the other hand am socially awkward. She is also more responsible and organized. I am all over the place and will most likely lose things. Which I know must frustrate her when she's looking for certain things.

I really love the word document idea. I'm going to do it right now. Thank you for your help. :)

[Sith Lord 13]

Alex- I think I'm currently taking Prozac. However it might have been changed to Z.... (i don't know how to spell it.) I can check once I get home. She (my psychologist) thought that the anxiety medicine I'm on made my personality split, because I'm still trying to find who I am. So it separated itself into direct opposites. However I've always been this way. So I don't think it can be the medicine, or me just trying to find myself. She (my psychologist) is talking to my psychiatrist about what it may be. I plan on telling her more today because I didn't get to tell her everything last week, so she can better help me.

I have never heard of anything like that. It doesn't strike me as likely that it's the result of your meds. I'm about to ask a hard question you may not want to answer, and you don't have to, but do you have any history of abuse?

Will that help me in remembering things (like events and times)? I will definitely try saying things out loud. I've noticed if I write things down like specific things on myself, so I don't lose it, it helps me remember. However I've only done this to remember times, and specific future events, like see science teacher 4:02. Perhaps if I was to write down past events specifically in a journal it will help.

It may help. You may wanna get a little book and keep it in your pocket and you all can write the important things down in there until you get some better internal communication.

Rith- That's a good idea with the sticky notes. I think I might do something similar in the future.
I don't know for fact she's older. I know mentally she thinks more maturely. She's also acts more maturely. For example she is hard on herself with school grades, likes to keep the room nice and neat. I on the other hand really don't care if I get a C or a B. I could definitely care less if I have a shirt on the floor, I'm a bit lazy. ^_^ However, I think she thinks my little sister does that. She's more tolerable with little kids, then I am. I get easily annoyed. She is much more patient. Even the way she talks to my parents. She can be civil, personally because I think they haven't hurt her. I can't stand my parents. She can talk to adults, and strangers easily, myself on the other hand am socially awkward. She is also more responsible and organized. I am all over the place and will most likely lose things. Which I know must frustrate her when she's looking for certain things.

My suggestion, once you get into better contact with her is to let her handle those situations she's best at. :) Saves you the hassle.

I really love the word document idea. I'm going to do it right now. Thank you for your help. :)

Good luck. :)

[Syvelocin]

However, I think she thinks my little sister does that.

That's what it was at the beginning. Each of us had these little excuses like that for things being amiss so it would seem the most normal to us. We both were in a bit of denial about the other existing for quite some time before coming to terms with it when my psychologist diagnosed us. I don't want to go too far into that because now it seems like each of us really does believe in that sort of thing. She seems to have one little sister, and after comparing a bit, I'm guessing the equivalent of her sister is my fiancé's niece, and the equivalent of my own two little siblings seems to be her cousin's kids. It's a bit odd like that, and there are numerous examples. Though that seems a bit grandiose comparatively :P


My suggestion, once you get into better contact with her is to let her handle those situations she's best at. :) Saves you the hassle.


Hahaha :D My psychologist was always against that, but we still do the same thing. I let Alex write my English papers usually just because she has this way with words, and she lets me do her driving tests :P We're still the same person so I've never seen much wrong with that unless you actually need that skill yourself.

[Nevermore]

Alex- Yes, I do have a history. I was sexually abused a few years ago by some of my neighbors. Mostly emotional abuse with some physical abuse through the years, I don't like talking about it though. I think I will keep a book in my pocket. That seems like a good idea. :) Thank you.

Rith- That's actually really interesting how you guys have different siblings. So you can switch personalities when you want? How do you do that? My voice and use of words can be a bit different then the "Christians." So it would be best if we can learn to control it. Sometimes when I'm anxious and I have to do something the "other" will take over, but I don't really have any control over it. I don't think its something we can control. However, perhaps we are able to and just don't know it. I am in a play. I'm a better actor then the other, I don't think she's used to the lines yet, so her approach is very different then mine. For instance I make myself sound like a little kid, and she tries, but I don't think she knows how high she can make her voice. I would just like to be able to control this, so that I can do the actual performance. Or maybe I'm her alter so she is in control of when we switch? If so I need to talk to her. I don't feel like I am the alter though, I think she is. She probably thinks the opposite. Do you know which one is your alter and which is your main Rith? If so how do you figure it out?

[Syvelocin]

Ah, there you go. Talk to your psychologist again about it possibly being DID, since abuse is a very common factor in the presence of the disorder (I've heard of few cases where abuse hadn't been there with at least one of the personalities). I also have never heard about meds doing this, especially something like Prozac or a simple anxiety medication.

Yeah, we're completely different people actually. Different histories, different personalities, different ages, different families. She's even American and I'm English :P Which is quite odd to me, since whenever I try an American accent, I fail entirely. According to others, her accent is quite believably American.

It takes a while to be able to do that. I don't think it's really as much of controlling it, but being able to control whether you yourself fade in or out or not. At least that's what it seems like to me. I can't say, "Okay, Alex, take over now," but I can sort of just let her take over, if she's willing, or if she's trying to take over, I've learned to be able to hold on inspite of that. It's a good tool especially in our situation, that we're two completely different people, since we both have our own business to attend to. So being able to know when each has to be herself and cooporate accordingly is important. Though sometimes she's not too keen on taking over. Ever since she broke up with her boyfriend, she seems to have been letting me live for her almost, which is a bit concerning but I haven't been able to do much about it, as she hasn't been around to talk.

So, as you can probably figure out by my signature though, you're welcome to shoot me a VM/e-mail if you ever want to talk :)

[Sith Lord 13]

Alex- Yes, I do have a history. I was sexually abused a few years ago by some of my neighbors. Mostly emotional abuse with some physical abuse through the years, I don't like talking about it though.

I understand. I hope you do discuss it with your therapist though. Learning to cope with your abuse is the first step to cope with your DID.

I think I will keep a book in my pocket. That seems like a good idea. :) Thank you.

My pleasure. :)

Rith- That's actually really interesting how you guys have different siblings. So you can switch personalities when you want? How do you do that? My voice and use of words can be a bit different then the "Christians." So it would be best if we can learn to control it. Sometimes when I'm anxious and I have to do something the "other" will take over, but I don't really have any control over it. I don't think its something we can control. However, perhaps we are able to and just don't know it. I am in a play. I'm a better actor then the other, I don't think she's used to the lines yet, so her approach is very different then mine. For instance I make myself sound like a little kid, and she tries, but I don't think she knows how high she can make her voice. I would just like to be able to control this, so that I can do the actual performance. Or maybe I'm her alter so she is in control of when we switch? If so I need to talk to her. I don't feel like I am the alter though, I think she is. She probably thinks the opposite. Do you know which one is your alter and which is your main Rith? If so how do you figure it out?

My suggestion is to try and make sense of it in light of your surroundings. Use the context around you and see if that matches your past.

As for switching by choice, it's something that should hopefully come naturally once you develop your internal communication.

Ah, there you go. Talk to your psychologist again about it possibly being DID, since abuse is a very common factor in the presence of the disorder (I've heard of few cases where abuse hadn't been there with at least one of the personalities). I also have never heard about meds doing this, especially something like Prozac or a simple anxiety medication.

I've got to agree here.

It takes a while to be able to do that. I don't think it's really as much of controlling it, but being able to control whether you yourself fade in or out or not. At least that's what it seems like to me. I can't say, "Okay, Alex, take over now," but I can sort of just let her take over, if she's willing, or if she's trying to take over, I've learned to be able to hold on inspite of that. It's a good tool especially in our situation, that we're two completely different people, since we both have our own business to attend to. So being able to know when each has to be herself and cooporate accordingly is important. Though sometimes she's not too keen on taking over. Ever since she broke up with her boyfriend, she seems to have been letting me live for her almost, which is a bit concerning but I haven't been able to do much about it, as she hasn't been around to talk.

One trick commonly used is to create a "headspace", that is, a physical construct in your head such as a house, where you and your alter(s) can interact. Then, inside there, there is one room which, when one enters one takes control of the body.

[ShatteredWings]

One trick commonly used is to create a "headspace", that is, a physical construct in your head such as a house, where you and your alter(s) can interact. Then, inside there, there is one room which, when one enters one takes control of the body.

my 2 cents
thats a pain in the ass.
ATM im the only one who can actually do it *well* and *willingly*, but it can be a double edged.
creates a more center ground, but it also can leave places for ppl to hide, like he has right now (he got too freaked out)


id talk to your psych about the meds, but somehow i doubt it's makin it worse. i've heard some make it harder to talk to eachothers but can't say either way for that (not on pills, parentals don't believe in psych care)

i noticed you've already pmed, thats still open.

[Sith Lord 13]

Just wanted to check in and see how you guys are doing.