fucksake >.<

[TigerLily]

i don't usually tend to write these things but i don't tend to be this much of a vile pathetic fucked-up twat.. so here goes?

i'm pretty much as depressed as i ever have been right now, which says a fair bit tbqh. i just want to curl up in a ball and die, or get in a coma or just run the fuck away from here like now >.<
i guess what it comes down to, is my mum's suicide. she strangled herself easter sunday this year, and i still cry over her everyday. i miss her so much, i'm not even going to attempt to try and explain. it's like i keep thinking, if she were here, that she could fix all of this. and then i remember how it's my fault it happened anyway, and how disgusting i actually am. and then i hate myself for it. and then i end up self-harming again and then i hate myself even more because, fuck, that was what killed her really, and i promised her after her death that i never would again.
it doesn't get easier; and for some reason winter and fucking early christmas talk and all this kinda bull makes it even harder. i need her back, and that's never going to happen.
i'm sick of people pretending to care (which is all it is, pretence born of sympathy), and really no one knows shit about this kinda thing irl, cause i don't want to burden other people with my own 'problems' really; i'm an actress at heart. but i can't even act now, so i have to go isolate myself instead. like at church on sunday (which i already feel like the world's biggest hypocrite and inadequate waste of space going to, with all these fucking 'perfect' girls there who have managed to delude themselves into believing they shit fairies' smiles and snow white innocence and just generally piss me the fuck off tbh), i can't even sit with people there, even people who say they care and have helped me in the past. instead i go to this tiny little room at the back where no one can see you or hear you and lock myself in and just generally be fucked-up. urgh, i make myself sick.
i'm sorry for writing all this, it's complete bull, feel free to ignore.
and sorry for sounding like a right mardy bitch too, i'm kinda pissed off xP
xxx

[nick]

The tears in my eyes are real Rachel. Its so horrible what happened, and really its still very recent in the overall scheme of things. I dont really have any more words of comfort, but I really do care. <3

[TigerLily]

I don't want to make you cry<3 :(

Dad's girlfriend is staying over here next weekend as well, not looking forward to it. I mean I've barely even met her (she spends half her time in London and he keeps her and our family pretty separate issues anyway) and I know it's unfair and everything, but I just can't deal with everything moving on so quickly when it seems I'm exactly where I was in April =/

[nick]

Oh dont worrry about me, crying is my hobby. It probably makes it harder with your Dad having a girlfriend so soon, but you, your sister and him are all different people and will all be finding your own ways to get through.

[TigerLily]

It's not even his first, it's a fucked-up situation really.
The first one's a bitch though, they're pretty much over I think, but he's leading her on really, cause he hasn't got the nerve to actually end it yet.
This new one isn't official but pretty much is.. if that makes sense. Basically if this visit thing goes well he'll have an excuse to end it with the bitchy one.
Yeah my dad comes across badly in this, but he doesn't mean to really, it's all a bit fucked =/

[Punk_Kid]

Don't feel bad about breaking your promise to her. That will just make you feel worse like you said. As long as you make an attempt to not cut or if you just try to put it off, then that is progress.

I washed dishes last night for like... 5 hours I think. Between listening to music, playing online games, spending time on VT and busying my hands with the dishes, I was able to put the urge of for about 6 hours.

If you really want to quit then take it slow. Don't try to quit all at once. I tried that with my cutting and it didn't work when I just suddenly stopped. You have to slowly decrease your body's need for cutting. It's like any other addiction except I think it's one of the toughest to stop.

None of us may know you irl and I personally have never had a close friend or family member kill themselves but we are on here in hopes of quiting cutting and maybe help another couple people stop too. Many of us have said this to other people and we all mean it when we say that we will listen and do our best job we can to help you and give you advice. All you have to do is PM one or a few of us, if you prefer to keep it private, or just make a thread like you did already:D