scared.

[RAWWR]

hey everyone, i'm new on here, but have been on other self harm support sites before, i'm 16 and have been cutting for 4 years now, in march i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and have been in DBT since april, the therapy has helped me so much and my self harm/suicidal thoughts/behaviours have reduced so much. but the problem is, i dont think i want to stop self harming, i mean, i know i dont wanna be doing it when i'm older and stuff, but at the moment, well, the thought of not having it scares the crap outta me, and i dunno what to do about it :(
i dont even know why i'm posting this really, just needed to rant.

[Syvelocin]

Honestly, sometimes some people are not quite at the stage yet where they can give it up. And I know it's wrong to be advising you to not stop, but if you really don't feel ready, I see no reason for you to be trying to quit. In the future when you do feel ready, it'll be a great and noble move. But I know what it's like to feel like you don't want to stop. For a while, I had no desire whatsoever. The only thing that makes me think of quitting is my fiancé, other than that I still don't have and desire to stop. But I started trying to stop when I did finally want to stop. You can't stop self-harming if you don't want to stop, and no one can force you otherwise. Eventually, you will want to stop, at some point. But it's fine to feel like that time isn't now, and perfectly normal to think so.

Not having that coping mechanism in your life certainly can be a scary thought. But it's something all self-harmers have to go through at some point, really. Change can be scary, as can losing something that's such a crutch for someone in hard times. But it's definitely worth facing.

[Fiction]

I know how you feel, I feel like I don't want to stop self harming too.
Self harm is used as a coping method and i guess your scared that withpout this method you won't be able to cope. You need to find some other coping method and i have no idea how to go about doing this but just something you enjoy. :)
You are not alone. Feel free to contact me anytime :)

[RAWWR]

thanks for the posts guys, i know that i need to do things in my own time, because i've tried pushing myself too hard and it really bad consequences, but the thing is, my therapist keeps pushing me, and i dont know how to tell her its too much. i mean, i'm still self harming, i am nowhere near the point of getting rid of my blades, but shes trying to make me do that, or at least leave them at home when i go out, but i NEED to have them with me. they are my saftey and make me feel better when i'm upset, i dont even have to self harm most of the time, because having the blades there is usually enough, but she just doesnt seem to understand that :'(

[Blaster]

Self harming isn't worth it all. I know that while you self harm you forget about your trobles for a while but actually they are not gone, the troubles are still there.
The scars... they are ugly and its not worth all of that. Cutting doesn't help, it makes things worse.
Please, try to give up cutting.

[RAWWR]

i know, i know all this, i've been through it so many times in my head, the positives, the negatives, i just pretty much summed up my self harm in a paragraph:
i should want to recover, but i just cant seem to feel it. self harm is all i've had for 4 years, it's been there for me whenever i needed it, it's like my best friend. how can something so evil feel so good? how has it managed to keep me alive, whilst slowly destroying my life? i love it, but i hate it, and i can't live without it.

i just cant seem to let go :(

[Syvelocin]

thanks for the posts guys, i know that i need to do things in my own time, because i've tried pushing myself too hard and it really bad consequences, but the thing is, my therapist keeps pushing me, and i dont know how to tell her its too much. i mean, i'm still self harming, i am nowhere near the point of getting rid of my blades, but shes trying to make me do that, or at least leave them at home when i go out, but i NEED to have them with me. they are my saftey and make me feel better when i'm upset, i dont even have to self harm most of the time, because having the blades there is usually enough, but she just doesnt seem to understand that :'(

Just tell her, because she needs to know that. She cannot force you to quit, or throw out your blades, or ANYTHING. You do what you feel is right. She needs to be able to understand that you might not be ready yet, or that you need to go at a slower pace. She'll understand, and if she doesn't, you need a new therapist :P

I had a psychologist a bit back who was the worst professional I've had sessions with. From the first session, she wanted me to go cold turkey, throw out everything I could hurt myself with, and every week she would ask me "Have you self-mutilated since the last time I saw you?" And she would always call it self-mutilation, a term I despise anyway. She convinced my father that she was the right one, and that I had to go cold turkey, until I convinced him that she was going about it all wrong.

Anyway, I changed psychologists and went to a therapist that was there to talk and help me if I wished to be helped. She was much more beneficial to me than the other ever was.

Long story short, make sure you have a therapist you like, who you trust, and communicate well with. Therapy is two-sided.

And as for quitting, know that you will know when it is time. You will be able to tell when you want to quit. Four years is a while, but if you don't feel like it's time, it simply isn't time. You have to want to quit, to do so.

[RAWWR]

i suppose, the thing is, DBT is hard to get onto, and i know its doing me good no matter how much she is pushing me, i dont wanna get kicked off the course. i suppose i could speak to shani (my care co-ordinater) and ask her if i could change to a different individual therapist?

[Syvelocin]

i suppose, the thing is, DBT is hard to get onto, and i know its doing me good no matter how much she is pushing me, i dont wanna get kicked off the course. i suppose i could speak to shani (my care co-ordinater) and ask her if i could change to a different individual therapist?

I've never been in DBT, even though everyone has always suggested it, so I don't quite understand your situation. But if you feel like you want to change therapists, then definitely go for it. Therapy is just like medication. You have to keep trying new things, increasing, decreasing, or finding another one altogether. But once you get settled, it's worth it.

[RAWWR]

i suppose. thing is, i never see shani, i wont see her again until january :/ i suppose i could call her at some point :/

[Punk_Kid]

Hey Nicole. I think I'm at the same place you are, kinda. I haven't had any doctors or anyone check me out yet. Hell, my Mom don't even know I cut.

I want to give it up too, but I ain't sure what to do if I can't cut. I can't legally buy cigs or alcohol yet, not that I agree with either of them as healthy coping methods.

Try weaning yourself off of cutting. Maybe cut every other day and try to increase the waiting period between cutting. And talk to your parents and friends to see if you can hang out and spend time with them to distract you from wanting to cut.

And try reading some of the tips they have on here. Some of them are the same basic ones you read about a lot, but some of them are quite creative.

I hope you can quit cutting and find better coping methods.

[RAWWR]

hey, thanks for the reply, i will definatley look at the distraction methods, although my therapy already has skills we can use, i have an individual therapy session every week, and a group session which we learn skills in, we also have phone support from 9am-9pm every day, i have a support worker in college and my tutor is always there when i need help, so i have a VERY large support system, the thing is just trying to make myself want to stop :/

[RAWWR]

^^ :/ huh?