Pretty Confused...

[AlexVic]

So I really do not know how to express this, but I'll do my best:


So I've been dealing with depression since last summer because of problems at home. My depression peaked this summer, even getting suicidal a lot. I eventually mustered up the courage to go to the doctor, and he prescribed me 50mg Zoloft. I felt a little better, but still pretty damn bad. It helped them, but didn't get rid of my suicidal thoughts. In October I went back to my doctor and told him my thoughts, and he put me on 100mg Zoloft. Since then I have honestly been feeling a lot better about suicide and depression. However, that's not the reason I made this post. Lately it feels like I'm almost missing being depressed. I honestly can't describe it, but felling this good feels...empty.


I guess I made this post to see if anybody else has ever felt this way, or how to fix it. Maybe it's because without my medication I can feel how empty life is, how small I am compared to the grand scheme of things, if there is one. I think it's the conflict between my logic and thoughts when I take my medication and I don't.

Well, sorry for rambling on. I doubt anybody read this, but I just wanted to let it out somehow. Also, I apologize for any parts of this that are confusing, I'm pretty scatter-brained considering I just woke up :yawn:.

Thanks,
Alex

[Syvelocin]

It's very common, I find, to want to be in that depression once you've been in it for a while or tasted what life is like without it. I feel the same exact way. I've gone through two major depression spells, one that lasted for one or two years in first school, and the other that has been around since I started upper school (five years ago). I willingly left the first depression spell, and as you can see by how long I've been in this one, I have no desire to leave it. Which I think can be normal and just, but when your depression affects your day-to-day life incredibly or makes you start contemplating suicide, I highly recommend anti-depressants. Depression is never fun, but I won't be a hypocrite and tell you to keep taking your meds... >_<

If you think you can cope without meds while still having that depression, but without the suicidal thoughts, then I see no problem with it. Therapy can allow you to do this. But in my opinion, if it'll risk your life not taking anti-depressants, I'm highly against not taking them. Depression is one thing. Ending your life is a huge, other thing. While I haven't been on constant medication for years, I've gone straight to my psychologist or closest mental hospital when I've started to get suicidal thoughts.

Hope that helps at all. :)

[AlexVic]

If I were to quit taking my medication I would most likely have very strong suicidal thoughts. I would go to therapy, but my family's financial situation doesn't allow this. Either way it seems I'm stuck feeling like this, being empty inside. I guess I could stop taking my medication, but then I run the risk of killing myself. However there is a certain appeal to not being on medication. I don't like the fact that I have to ingest chemicals to act "Normal". I have honestly never liked the idea of having my mindset affected by anything. Quite a dilemma...

Anyways, thanks for the reply, I honestly didn't think anybody would bother. :)
Time to go back to sleep, I'm still tired :P.