Descriptive essay

[Jess]

see attachment. I need a paragraph hook before my third and forth paragraph. I also need a better conclusion

Final draft due soon. any other advice GREATLY appreciated.

[Perseus]

Third paragraph -

There's a silhouette I can see; I can hear it. It's a predator. It's a snake. It broke the silence that was present while I was nibbling on clover. My heart was just then pounding, and now, it's worse because of this predator.

Fourth paragraph -

Over this anxiety, I could not hear the plane's roar. My heart pounded, and I swear it was louder than that roar. Why did I get myself into this? Was it to overcome this phobia? I believe so.

Try that. I like what I made. :P

[Jess]

thanks I'll put those in :)