Need to vent

[Indie British]

Okay so ... I have been battling with my sexuality for the past 3 or 4 years, trying to force myself to be straight. I'm absolutely petrified of anyone finding out who I am (notice the vague username) and hate myself for even wirting this. After masturbating over men I hate myself even more (I don't have anything against gay people in case anyone's wondering and don't want to offend anyone, it's just I don't want to be gay). I don't usually let my emotions get the better of me, like I'm not easily annoyed and am usually quite nice but after doing things that would be considered 'homosexual' like masturbating (or once I engaged in drunken kiss with a guy friend) I've cried and cut myself and seriously contemplated suicide. I know this is like the third time I've said this but I just hate myself. My mum and dad are divorced and I've stopped talking to my dad recently because he's an alcoholic and it turns out he's a fucking wife and child beater (I was at his house and he started beating up my step mum and it turns out he's punched my step sister before) My mum keeps having a go at me recently because she says I'm a self-indulgent, nasty piece of work and my step-dad just hates me and keeps telling me it's not like I'm going through any teen-anorexia shit (they thought I was boleimic because I dont put on weight) and now I'm just sat here sobbing writing this like a twat. Sorry for all the non Teen sexuality stuff on the end there, I just wanted to vent.

[bvboy]

Don't be sorry. I would advise getting help, professional help, because u seem to be in a pretty difficult situation. In terms of your sexuality, don't eat yourself up about masturbating to gay porn. If you think you aren't gay, if you are attracted to girls, than don't worry about the gay porn thing, you're just curious. Many straight guys go through this when they're growing up. It's just hormones flying around. Lots of straight guys are or would be aroused by gay sex all the same, but your sexual orientation is not defined by what kind of sex you enjoy only, and even less by what kind of porn u enjoy more (I mean, I admit that gay porn is sometimes hotter lol) but by what sex your are attracted to more, physically and emotionally. If you see yourself in a relationship with a girl, and not with guy, then you r probably straight. but u r still growing up, so don't worry about that, and rather try getting help for your other issues with your parents.
Hope it helped, and best of luck.

[Art_dude]

I know you just wanted to vent but guess what..
You're getting some advice. You can thank me later.

I'd be happy to respond to the domestic violence issues in a different thread but this is Teen Sexuality so I'll address your feelings on sexuality.

You have to stop this vicious cycle of hate. You can never escape who you are. You can continue to pretend you're something you're not - I've seen people live their whole lives as a lie. But I can guarantee you that you will never find peace for yourself. I suggest you confront your issues with homosexuality. You say you don't have issues with it, but you clearly do.

[LoginLeo]

Killing yourself isnt an exit. Its not the answer, its not a solution.
I felt the same thing as u about my sexuality and life. I know that we are different , as well as our family relationships and so.
I recommend - dont give a shit about your sexuality..
Imean - how does it matter if u are gay or straight or whatever?
The main thing is to have fun, enjoy, and to love.
And believe me - life can be much more piece of shit than yours.
Just... U aint in a great situation now, i know, u think that life suck and so, but remmember - there are situations much worse. And - everything what happens - is for good, even if u dont see it. If it wouldnt be so, there would be no world today, no people, nothing.
So - dont give a shit about your sexuality, just enjoy life as much as its possible for now, and things will get better.
Good luck bro. :)

[aussiecasper]

its not your fault! hormones can get the best of you and in the end it dosent matter if you turn out gay or not if its what your body is attracted to then go with it dont be assamed of it. plus being in such a bad situation can put so much more stress on you. just live you life let things happen, and when you grow up youll be who you are and look back on those days when you wanted to kill yourself and wonder why you would even think about doing that. and you should really not let your dad get too you, emotinaly and physicaly. my dad is a bit of drunk and can get pretty mean when hes had to many but you learn to handle it, you can always talk to someone here or in real life