Self hatred.

[XxMurderedKissesxX]

Every time I try to eat, I get this feeling that I dont deserve to. That im this fat disgusting b*tch that should be punished. So I dont. Or I do and then cant stand it. I look in the mirror and just stare until the over whelming need to purge makes me cave and up goes the toilent lid. Im getting thinner everyday. And now im making sure I walk off anything that I do happen to consume. One celery stick = hour speed walk. I dont know what to do. Im getting outta control and no one im living with understands, they just make stupid comments. I know they meen well. But...It still hurts. I just dont want to be hosptialized, again. Ideas?

[Fiction]

Only real thing you can do is well... eat. I know that it's hard when you feel guilty everytime you eat but really it is the only way. Maybe try eating by sharing things with other people. That way you don't feel as bad. Good luck, sorry that wasn't really much help. Feel free to contact me if you want to talk. :)

[Haven]

When it comes to not eating, I totally understand the reasoning of feeling like you don't deserve it. But in all reality, everyone deserves to be able to eat. Despite who they are, the weight they're at, how terrible of a person they may be, or any other minuscule, trivial fact that makes them a person. Point being, you deserve food and so does everyone around you. Our minds are tricky places, always trying to make us feel in obscure ways, but in the end you need to eat in order to keep you healthy and your body functioning properly.

I realize that you may be getting thinner by the day, especially if you're purging at a decent rate, but what happens about the after effects that this causes on your body? By doing this, you may be cutting some pounds off of your body, but at the same time you're (in essence) cutting days off of your life. I'm not trying to scare you or anything, but in reality you're tearing your body apart. You're weakening your immune system, bringing yourself to a point of starvation, deteriorating your muscle mass, and basically killing any source of energy you may have. And on top of that, by forcing yourself to purge you're eroding your tooth enamel and destroying your esophagus from the stomach acids.

There are foods which you can eat which actually burn calories as you're taking them in, practically keeping your caloric intake at 0. One of those foods is celery. So don't be afraid to eat a bunch of celery without gaining weight. By doing this, you're calorie intake is actually negative since it takes more to burn then you actually intake. And luckily there are a few other foods out there that are like this, so if you're worried about things like that, why not look up some here and there? But remember, you can't base your entire diet off of a 0 calorie intake per day or even a negative intake. You absolutely need to have a stable intake of around 1500 (give or take, depending on what your body type is) in order to keep giving your body the essential nutrients it needs to function correctly.

The best thing I can tell you is this; A proper diet goes a longer way than ever starving yourself will. When I was close to being hospitalized, I weighed 106 pounds at 6'1" which is disgustingly thin. At the time (and still even now) I didn't see myself as thin, but there was always people there who continued to comment on how thin I looked which always made me feel good about myself. Then reality began to set in, and at the end of the day I was never happy. I never was satisfied, and <400 calories a day began to change who I was drastically. It's a scary thing, eating disorders. They change exactly who you are. You become self-obsessed with losing more and more weight, and nothing around you means anything anymore. And that's the thing, despite what we may think, there will always be one thing, one person who means the world for us. My suggestion to you? Find that one person or thing. Seek them out, and use the happiness you gain from them/that in order to keep pushing yourself forward. Because you truly are never alone, and there are always going to be people there who love you and want to help you. Never forget that, okay?

A diet does go an extremely long way, but as long as it's properly done you will lose the weight you want. I can venture to say that right now you're burning your muscle mass, rather than the actual fat weight that you want to lose. Which is why a diet is always going to work better and more effectively, being that it burns your fat instead of anything else you need. Focus primarily on trying to get yourself to eat vegetables, fruits, whole grains, and things like that. Stick away from things like oils and trans fats, and just work your way to a routine diet that you're comfortable with. No one says that this change has to be abrupt, but baby steps go a long way when combined together.

And lastly, I know you may be hesitant to try to eat more, but just know that you're doing what's best for your body. Don't go out and binge eat, that would just be silly. But focus on trying to eat a tiny bit more each and every day. Sure it may only be something like a few extra peas, but that's a lot better than sticking to your status quot and continuing to hurt your body. Never be afraid to be who you are, and realize that everyone has to eat despite who they are. You need food, and you need to make sure that you're healthy. Because that's what ultimately matters the most. And if it takes trying to talk to someone here and there, go for it, but don't ever feel like things are slipping out of control. Why? No matter what our minds may tell us, someone always cares.

I wish you all the luck, and if you ever need me, I'm here to talk. <3

~Wayne