I'm very ill

[Syvelocin]

(Trigger warning. Don't say I didn't warn you)

It's so much more than just taking a razor to your skin.

It's like, how did I get this far? How can an innocent child ever grow to be a monster?

I'm so ill. I know I am. You tell me that I'm not screwed up, but you can't be sane and say I'm not a psycho.

I believe the word would be masochist actually? Yes. I'm a masochist. I'm an opheliac. And you probably don't know what I'm talking about when I say I'm an opheliac. A term coined by Emilie Autumn.

One afflicted by the disease "Ophelia" a condition wherein the sufferer exhibits patterns of self destruction caused by influences both external and internal, and the inability to tell the difference.

Anyway. I'm an opheliac and a masochist.

Why would I still be here if I'm not? Surely, I would have swallowed those pills, or just ended it, if I didn't enjoy this suffering, right?

Why do I find the scars so intriguing? I love them. I'm proud of them. I love the feel of them under my fingers.

I love my razors. They sit on my end table by my bed. I caught myself staring at them a bit ago. Just staring at them, gleaming in the dim light of my bedroom. I've always prefered silver to gold.

What's prettier than both of those things? Blood. I feel like just slitting my arm up again just to see the blood again. I haven't seen it for a while now. I love the feel of it dripping down my arm. I love the color of it, so bold against my skin. I love that little jolt I get when it first starts pooling.

A masochist seems quite relevant. The only thing that ever hurts physically anymore is when I stub my toe. Nothing else has hurt me for years. Everytime I bite my tongue accidently, it feels great. Ironically, I accidentally busted my finger opening some razors. It bled and bled and I couldn't stop staring for one second to get some tissue on it.

Holy crap. I just read over that, and I think I might be turning into Sweeney Todd or something. Blood... razors... I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE. *bursts out in her best Johnny Depp/ST impression singing "My Friends"*

Ahem. Sorry.

[Charleigh]

hunny... you need to learn how to control yourself. i know how it feels when you look at something thats going to hurt you, and your mind goes blank and you crave that feeling of that sting on your skin after sliding blades across your body. i know that the pain, oh wow to be honest i love the pain, but those scars ... you love them now but your not going to love them later. hun, self harming is ALL in the mind, your not addicted, you just want to crave that feeling for any excuse to harm yourself. you dont want to have to depend on razors or knives or anything. you want to depend on yourself to control your fascination for cutting. and, your not ill, your not a physco, and your not a masochit or a opheliac, you are .... you. self harming is just a fake part of you that you want to be real, you want to rely on self harming. but you dont need it! all you need is to try and deal with everything in a different way, if there is anything, ANYTHING at all, just PM me, im always heree :)

[HeroesAndCons]

Maam u need to get some help im really concerned
if u need to talk Pm me anytime

[Mike321]

Your not a physco, your ill, and you really need help, when you have no control over your actions things can get really bad.
It seems you depend on the self harming, to give you that feeling you want
I dont really know what else to say, but you really should get professional help
PM me anytime

[Fiction]

As everyone has said, you need help. How I got this far is something I always wonder too. Most cutters love the blood and the pain, your not any different in that respect, i understand how you feel about that. Sorry i'm not helping much you've literally written alot of the stuff i've felt so i don't really know how to solve it... You can VM/PM/ Email me anytime :)

[Syvelocin]

I have five years of scars on my body, and I've been in therapy since I was nine. I was on meds for about four years, I believe I've been on about ten different anti-depressants, six mood stabalizers, and two antipsychotics. It all took care of the exact feeling it was made to dispell, but it never fixed anything else. Repel my sadness, suppress my mania, ground myself in one reality. It doesn't change a thing though. I've been off meds for almost a year now and it's all the same.

I'm still in therapy and have been hospitalized twice. I'm starting to think that there is no hope for me. I've seen how people can recover so well, and it seems that once I'm off one destructive habit, I'm on to another. My anorexia started at the end of my drug abuse, my self-harm has picked up since I started eating what I should be. It feels like I enjoy watching myself crash and burn. I don't directly cause myself to, but somehow there's a demon inside myself seeking to sabotage me.

[Fiction]

The fact that you can give up drugs and start eating show you can get over these things. It shows there is hope. When i stopped cutting so much that's when i started starving myself so i know how you feel but you just gotta keep going :)
As i said before, contact me anytime :)

[Painted_Indian_Horse]

a lot of the things you described i can understand, i have had those feelings. it's tough not to, with temptation like that. i'm here if you ever need to talk about it :)