A failure at life

[the8bitter]

I have terrible grades (65 in Spanish being the worst), the worst possible physical form, and never receive much affection. All of my friends are advancing in life and forming elaborate relationships, increasing their mental capacity...while I am not. Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and pray that it will be the final time I shut the eyes on my hideous face. I am hardly, if ever happy. The only factors contributing to the minimal happiness I have are energy drinks and my hobby of retro-gaming/classic gaming collecting. At times, I wish I could annihilate all hormonally influenced feelings that I have so I can continue to strive in the field of academics. I can no longer smile, no longer commit writing to paper because I feel as if I am unloved and will never, ever experience true happiness ever again. Sometimes, it gets to the point where I cut, although it's on rare occasions and normally over the woman I'm infatuated with. I'm getting so, so sick of this and just want it all gone. I used to be able to operate on unchecked motivation, needing no love or affection from anybody. But now, I hunger for even the simplest forms of affection and normally find myself rather depressed if I go without. Even the energy drinks and time in front of pixelated screens isn't doing it anymore. Fuck it all. I no longer care if death happens to be the answer to my problem...life and death no long matter to me. I wouldn't care if tonight was the last night I live. I might as well eliminate my existence on this earth...I'm not having any impact on anyone, and have a dim future ahead of me. In a world where jobs and money are scarce to find, it's quite likely that I will live a very poor quality of life. I'd rather be dead than on the streets begging for change.

Powers that be, destroy me now. I'm begging you. I can take no more, even if I'm a wealthy video game collector (wealth as in a lot of video games, anyways) and may have more than others. All those cartridges can never amount to giving and receiving love and affection...something I could never dream about having. I'm dead inside...complete the transaction, powers.