I almost did it

[DrkZ90]

I just came from the kitchen, I almost did it... I had the knife in my hands, but I put it down and I still don't know why... I wanted to do it, to put an end to all this, I don't feel it is worth to keep going on, but for some reason I couldn't do it, but I guess it has to do with everyone being home at the moment, making it harder for such an attempt to succeed, which would make it all worse. I'm really freaked out, shaking and crying. I don't know what to do, or how long can I keep going like this, stopping myself from doing it out of fear of being discovered.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, there isn't really a question here and most will ignore it as always.

[Mr. Awesome]

Hey this story has helped me, i hope it can help you somehow, paragraph 4 is the main one, please dont do anything silly, you have got a lot of living to do, you need to talk to someone

Time to think, ponder and clear your head
It was a hot steamy day ... what's new in our small country town? ... and I remember it well. It was an English lesson that not one of us 27 students would ever forget and a warning that we would all heed. She told us that running was better - It was not forever.

Each and everyone of us respected this teacher... she was different. Somehow she respected us and cared for us but still treated us like the adults that we thought we were at year 10 level. We were discussing social issues...something that came up time and time again in our English syllabus. Each of us was working on an assignment - the exploration of a social issue we were personally familiar with through the genre of poetry - an area in which I thrived.

Suicide came up as a topic... actually it was my topic... a topic that I hadn't experienced but was personally familiar with suicidal feelings and depression... I explored these thoughts and emotions through song lyrics and poetry... I expressed my own feelings through others work, including the writing of my own piece, then critiqued each one. Anyway... the discussion came up as to how and why suicide happened - a student asked "How could someone?" and this led to a discussion on how to cope with suicidal feelings. This is when our teacher advised us with tears in her eyes "To run"

She said "Guys, when you need to get away, and there is no way out" remember these words... I plead with you to run." She told us that by running we gave ourselves time to think, ponder, clear our heads, and make a decision that was based on thought and not impulse. She told us to just jump on a bus or a train or in a car and get out but never on impulse decide that life was too hard.

Often when I am able, I run. I never run far.. but just get on a train and take a trip for the day... get away and clear my head. As she told us "Running is not forever, suicide on impulse is... there is no turning back, no second chance... if you run you get exactly that - a second chance through time to think it through... it often isn't as bad as you initially think it is"

Each of us in that class that day remember her every word delivered with emotion, feeling and tears in her eyes. She cared, and because she cared, we listened and because we listened, lives have been saved. Of those 27 students, I personally know of 5 who have suffered in situations which have led to suicidal thoughts and plans... each ran and found time to think it through and each found a way to overcome the situation and survive.

[DrkZ90]

As things keep getting worse and worse, and living in a small city where running anywhere isn't an option, idk.

I used to also think how could someone get to the point of killing themselves, but now I understand that all too well, and as things keep getting worse (and as of late, times were I simply don't know why all these feelings come back), I just don't know how much longer I will be able to put down the knife, or close the window and break down in tears as always.

[Mr. Awesome]

Well buddy i can tell you know ive been there, and i made the choice that i wouldnt let the world beat me, i made sure that every single shitty thing i ever had to deal with was heard, somone listened and changed my life, when things are at there worst i just focus on the positives, what is going well in life,that im happy in the course im doing, the few friends i have are REAL friends and they listen if i need to talk

[DrkZ90]

the few friends i have are REAL friends and they listen if i need to talk

that's the main issue I think. I simply can't keep going with this loneliness, is unbearable, it hurts inside way too much, and every time I meet someone, once they have used and no longer need me it gets even worse. The people I consider my best friends are always the ones that treat me the worst.

I too think that a single person could make a huge difference in your life, but when there's nobody willing to "listen but not judging", what's really the point to keep going on? better to save my parents some money and the world some resources and just end it now.

[Mr. Awesome]

There are people who listen and dont judge, there are plenty of help phone lines, im here talking now and not judging. You parents can listen to your problems, family, psychologists, psychiartrists, all it takes is for you to tell somone you feel you can trust that you need help, i did it and have never felt like i did back then.

Your family WILL be devestated if you were to even try what your thinking about let alone succeed.

There are many reasons to live on, im taking the experience of my past, training as a psychologist, in college ive joined a group on awarenees of depression which ive made friends out of, there are plenty of reasons to keeping going

[DrkZ90]

yeah, but you are who-knows-how-many miles away. Once I turn off the computer, I'll be back in reality whether I like it or not, I'll be back to dealing with loneliness, and my thoughts.

My family? yeah, they would love to hear how much I'm struggling to even keep myself alive, I would never see the end of it, it would make my memories from high school and bullying seem happy in comparison. I doubt I need to be ridiculed and mocked any more, and seeing how my parents work at different hospitals and whatnot, me going to a psychologist or psychiatrist won't be a secret to anyone.

Perhaps they will be devastated, but out of happiness and joy. No more need to waste money on me would surely make them happier, seeing how much they hate every penny spent on me.

I know that in developed countries there are many help lines and the such, but that's not the case on some third world countries, I know of none here and even if there is one, I doubt my privacy is guaranteed.

I'm extremely shy, but I have tried to tell people I trusted before, but nobody wanted to listen, the only person I ever managed to actually get to the point of telling that everything was worrying me, was insulting me, giving me hatred-filled looks and locking me out of his life just a couple of days after that. It could've had to do with that, but I don't know.

I have already tried (and failed miserably) to strangle myself before. Thankfully nobody found out (or things would be a lot worse now). I guess that, when I really think about it, my fear of failing is what is keeping me alive, but I don't know for how long can that last.

[Mr. Awesome]

All i can say is focus on the positives, your parents have access to the resources that you need, your afraid somone might find out, well they definatly will if you go the other way, people are willing to help, you just have to open up to someone, i know how terrifying it is, i had to it and its the best decision i ever made in my life

[DrkZ90]

what positives? they will find out if I go anywhere near "professional help", besides, what good will that do? even if I managed to open up to someone who I'm sure will run and tell my parents everything I say, I doubt it would do much, I would still be as lonely as before, and the feelings and thoughts wouldn't go away.

[Mr. Awesome]

Yes but they can help you deal with the feelings and thoughts and how to cope with them, psychatrists can prescribe you medication to help, as your 20 years old (i know here anyway a psychiratrist is bound by patient confidentiality once there patient is 18), and the point im trying to make is to let your parents know

[DrkZ90]

patient confidentiality means nothing between medics / co-workers, I have very good reasons to think said psychiatrist would tell my parents every single word I say, and given how they've always been with me, it's just more pain that I'm not willing to endure.

besides I don't like the idea of getting into medication and the fake happiness it gives, because as soon as I'm out of it and see how fucked up everything is, it will be worse.

[Mr. Awesome]

well dude i cant recommened anything else, the best way forward is to talk about it with somone

[DrkZ90]

I know you are trying to help, and it does means a lot, sorry if I seem like I'm just being an ass about it, but is just that, I don't want to bring any more problems, I don't want to end up feeling even more hated, worthless and lonely that I already am, to end up being seen as an outcast or something, and people being nice only out of pity.

Perhaps asking for a real friend to be next to is asking too much out of like, I don't know. Loneliness hurts way too much.

[Mr. Awesome]

one of the things that helped me during school was when i got a job, some social interaction, maybe theres an idea there, an opportunity to make new friends, get out of the house, money to spend on yourself, idk you could have a job already, i joined a swimming club aswell, i put myself "out there" and things went well

[DrkZ90]

I've already been rejected 4 times for different jobs thanks to my university schedule, I really thought about that.

but when I think more about it, the friends I made during the last couple of years ended up treating me in the same crappy way as the ones I had before, and it hurts more each time, I'm not sure I want to open myself to even more hate.

[Mr. Awesome]

If you dont take a chance you cant gain anything

[blah_x]

I dont know if this will help... but... dont give in, keep your head up, and soldier on. If you have resisted it once, you can do it again.!
here if yu ever want to chat.

[jrl719]

Hey this story has helped me, i hope it can help you somehow, paragraph 4 is the main one, please dont do anything silly, you have got a lot of living to do, you need to talk to someone

Time to think, ponder and clear your head
It was a hot steamy day ... what's new in our small country town? ... and I remember it well. It was an English lesson that not one of us 27 students would ever forget and a warning that we would all heed. She told us that running was better - It was not forever.

Each and everyone of us respected this teacher... she was different. Somehow she respected us and cared for us but still treated us like the adults that we thought we were at year 10 level. We were discussing social issues...something that came up time and time again in our English syllabus. Each of us was working on an assignment - the exploration of a social issue we were personally familiar with through the genre of poetry - an area in which I thrived.

Suicide came up as a topic... actually it was my topic... a topic that I hadn't experienced but was personally familiar with suicidal feelings and depression... I explored these thoughts and emotions through song lyrics and poetry... I expressed my own feelings through others work, including the writing of my own piece, then critiqued each one. Anyway... the discussion came up as to how and why suicide happened - a student asked "How could someone?" and this led to a discussion on how to cope with suicidal feelings. This is when our teacher advised us with tears in her eyes "To run"

She said "Guys, when you need to get away, and there is no way out" remember these words... I plead with you to run." She told us that by running we gave ourselves time to think, ponder, clear our heads, and make a decision that was based on thought and not impulse. She told us to just jump on a bus or a train or in a car and get out but never on impulse decide that life was too hard.

Often when I am able, I run. I never run far.. but just get on a train and take a trip for the day... get away and clear my head. As she told us "Running is not forever, suicide on impulse is... there is no turning back, no second chance... if you run you get exactly that - a second chance through time to think it through... it often isn't as bad as you initially think it is"

Each of us in that class that day remember her every word delivered with emotion, feeling and tears in her eyes. She cared, and because she cared, we listened and because we listened, lives have been saved. Of those 27 students, I personally know of 5 who have suffered in situations which have led to suicidal thoughts and plans... each ran and found time to think it through and each found a way to overcome the situation and survive.

I honestly think that's how a teacher should be... And I'm crying right now lol XD. But seriously... That's the aid teachers don't give us now... Or at least most of them don't.

[DrkZ90]

as a lil update on this, although for all anyone would care... I might just fucking do it, I can't keep going like this any more, getting my hopes up one day just to be crushed again soon after is not how I want to keep living, is not worth it.