georgiamay
October 18th, 2010, 11:42 AM
Nothing makes sense. It hasn't done for quite some time now, but now it's starting to get worse.
I wish I was never born, never conceive, and never existing. I don't want to die or kill myself. Killing myself would be such a waste of a life, but if I never existed, there would be no life to waste. The I wouldn't have to live, but now I feel like I have to live, like I have no choice in it.
I don't want to hurt my dad at all, but I can't live with him anymore, I miss my mum. We've had our ups and downs, yeah, with her drinking, and her depression, and the arguments we've had, but I still love her. I love my dad as well, but I don't want to live the way he does anymore. He's just so controlling. It's like he doesn't want me to live my own life if he can't make the decisions for me. I want to make my own decisions.
I'm starting sixth form next year to do my A levels, and I have a good chance of getting into a very very good one, but he doesn't want me to, because he wants me where he can see me. He wants me to be only down the road from the house, but I don't I want a fresh start, and if that means moving schools then I'll do that. Plus, it's a brilliant school, and I love it. It's a selective school, and if I can get in there, it would be a massive confidence boost for me. But no, I can't even think about any other options, I have to stay on at my school.
But that's the root of another problem. I've basically lived to please my dad all my life. Every decision I've ever made has been based on whether or not my dad would approve. But I'm fed up with living like that, this is my life, and I'm going to live it how I want, not how he wants me to.
I can't live with my family at all anymore. I love them all, but I'm sick of the way I have to be so careful with what I say, because the family is full of sensitive issues, where if one is brought up, there is a horrible awkward silence. I don't want to live with my dad, but I can't say that to him. I know that he tries so hard to be a good dad, and me saying that to him would be like saying he didn't do a good enough job. And if I do say that and go back to live with my mum, it'll just get so much worse, and I'll have the same problems that I did last time, only worse, because then I will have hurt both of my parents.
I'm sick of hurting people, but it's just what I seem to do, I can't help it. If I never existed, I wouldn't have been able to cause so much pain in the family.
I keep going through stages. I'm either really really high, or really really low. When I'm on a high, I'm happy, I'm productive, I do my school work earlier and I get better grades, but then I get annoying, and I get paranoid, and I feel like everyone is out to get me, but I know they aren't, but when I'm on a high, it seems like they are if I get to that point.
When I'm on a low, I'm the complete oppossite. I do less work later than I should, I get lower grades, I'm crying all the time (but I manage to hold it together when I'm around people), and I dont seem to care whether people are out to get me, the phrase, "what's the point," comes to mind every time I'm in this "low" phase. When it gets really low, I start to get angry with myself. I hate everything about me, which I do normally and in the high moments, but it's worse when I go down.
The flashbacks are getting worse as well. Instead of seeing my trying to kill herself and down a bottle of vodka on the way to drop me off at school, sometimes I see myself doing it.
I can't keep this in for much longer, pretty soon I'm going to snap. I don't know what that'll be like, but I don't want to snap. I just want to be normal. But what the fuck is normal!?! I don't want to do any of this, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, but I can't do that, because that would cause even more pain in my family. That's why I should never have been born. I feel like I'm at the edge right now, and I can't do this.
I could go on and on about my family. My step mum. My step dad. But I can't be bothered, I've let enough out for one day.
I don't know what I'm going to get from posting this, but at least someone will know about it, even if I have no idea who you are, and you can't do anything about it.
>.< I don't get why the fuck I think like this. If you were in my head you would be really desturbed. The thoughts I have are disgusting, vile, and I hate them, but they just won't stop!
Sorry if I wasted your time if you read this, I just needed to get this out in someway.
I wish I was never born, never conceive, and never existing. I don't want to die or kill myself. Killing myself would be such a waste of a life, but if I never existed, there would be no life to waste. The I wouldn't have to live, but now I feel like I have to live, like I have no choice in it.
I don't want to hurt my dad at all, but I can't live with him anymore, I miss my mum. We've had our ups and downs, yeah, with her drinking, and her depression, and the arguments we've had, but I still love her. I love my dad as well, but I don't want to live the way he does anymore. He's just so controlling. It's like he doesn't want me to live my own life if he can't make the decisions for me. I want to make my own decisions.
I'm starting sixth form next year to do my A levels, and I have a good chance of getting into a very very good one, but he doesn't want me to, because he wants me where he can see me. He wants me to be only down the road from the house, but I don't I want a fresh start, and if that means moving schools then I'll do that. Plus, it's a brilliant school, and I love it. It's a selective school, and if I can get in there, it would be a massive confidence boost for me. But no, I can't even think about any other options, I have to stay on at my school.
But that's the root of another problem. I've basically lived to please my dad all my life. Every decision I've ever made has been based on whether or not my dad would approve. But I'm fed up with living like that, this is my life, and I'm going to live it how I want, not how he wants me to.
I can't live with my family at all anymore. I love them all, but I'm sick of the way I have to be so careful with what I say, because the family is full of sensitive issues, where if one is brought up, there is a horrible awkward silence. I don't want to live with my dad, but I can't say that to him. I know that he tries so hard to be a good dad, and me saying that to him would be like saying he didn't do a good enough job. And if I do say that and go back to live with my mum, it'll just get so much worse, and I'll have the same problems that I did last time, only worse, because then I will have hurt both of my parents.
I'm sick of hurting people, but it's just what I seem to do, I can't help it. If I never existed, I wouldn't have been able to cause so much pain in the family.
I keep going through stages. I'm either really really high, or really really low. When I'm on a high, I'm happy, I'm productive, I do my school work earlier and I get better grades, but then I get annoying, and I get paranoid, and I feel like everyone is out to get me, but I know they aren't, but when I'm on a high, it seems like they are if I get to that point.
When I'm on a low, I'm the complete oppossite. I do less work later than I should, I get lower grades, I'm crying all the time (but I manage to hold it together when I'm around people), and I dont seem to care whether people are out to get me, the phrase, "what's the point," comes to mind every time I'm in this "low" phase. When it gets really low, I start to get angry with myself. I hate everything about me, which I do normally and in the high moments, but it's worse when I go down.
The flashbacks are getting worse as well. Instead of seeing my trying to kill herself and down a bottle of vodka on the way to drop me off at school, sometimes I see myself doing it.
I can't keep this in for much longer, pretty soon I'm going to snap. I don't know what that'll be like, but I don't want to snap. I just want to be normal. But what the fuck is normal!?! I don't want to do any of this, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, but I can't do that, because that would cause even more pain in my family. That's why I should never have been born. I feel like I'm at the edge right now, and I can't do this.
I could go on and on about my family. My step mum. My step dad. But I can't be bothered, I've let enough out for one day.
I don't know what I'm going to get from posting this, but at least someone will know about it, even if I have no idea who you are, and you can't do anything about it.
>.< I don't get why the fuck I think like this. If you were in my head you would be really desturbed. The thoughts I have are disgusting, vile, and I hate them, but they just won't stop!
Sorry if I wasted your time if you read this, I just needed to get this out in someway.