ineed to get this off my chest

[welcome_to_chaos]

ok before i start typing away i would like to say that i doubt anyone will read it let alone post on it..but i f=really need to get all this off my chest...i dont know when everything started going down hill but i guess its best to start towards the beginning. while i was over at my boyfriends house (now xbf) he got into a fight with his parents..i mean a physical punching fight...i was able to grab the baby claire and get out of the room before she got hurt. that day when he got arrested i left. for good. then the rumors started. of every variety i cant even keep track of them all. and with that the bullyiing started up again.. ive been bullyed before but this time..it was worse. and not only cuz of the rumors but random acts of violence..i was walking homw from school and some guys in a suv pulled up and poared ice tea and vodka all over me. then of coarse people started calling me ugly and nasty to my face. they would cnstantly put me down..its gotten to the point where i dont even know who i can trust. it seems everyone i pass in the halls is out to get me. and with all the bullying ive been having really bad insicurites about my weight. thus making my eating disorder start to weisle its way back into my life..ive already lost 4 lbs and i cant stand up with out being dizzy and falling over. my friends are starting to get really worried about me and i think theyre seeing though everything. but i dont think they know how bad its gotten. and by "friends" i mean 3 friends who havnt betrayed me...the 3 that havent been the ones who talk about me behind my back...

then there is my nefews and neices...ive lost all but one..and right now im loosing him. but at least i knhow hes going to a good home unlike my neice hayley and my nefew noah..they are both in an abusive home and i cant do anything about it. weve called the police countless times but they never can find enough evidence to make a case. or even remove them from the house..and weds was hayleys 7th birthday..another year hasd gone by and with another year comes even more wory about what is gunna happen to he and her brother.
another thing is lately ive been having really bad panic attacks ending in me having to go home from school early...all of them were started by eather 1. feeling out of control as im being pushed into people/ walls or 2. feeling that everyone around me is after me and or talking about me..i dont know when these are gunna end and i hope they stop soon..ive got a doc appt,. tomorow..i hope i can get my meds adjusted.
talking about things out of my control....yesterday my ex decided he was gunna attempt suicide..ive known hes been suicidal and that he started cutting again..but this opened my eyes. when i found out i bawled my eyes put for about an hr...i dont know what i would do if he died..i really dont....
also..about 2 weeks ago i found out through someone that the guy who molested me when i was younger did it again....and i feel terrible...ite because i didnt do anything. its because i didnt say anything that he did it again. he hurt another girl all because of my selfish actions.im always thinking about me..thats y i still havnt come out that im bi to a lot of people..including my parents..if they knew i had feelings fpr girls they would kill me....they are strict baptists who believe that homosexuals are going to go to hell...i dont know how to tell them and so..i stay in silence hoping that maybe they will one day be able to accept those people..including me...
you may be wondering how ive been coping with all this..and ur answer is..i havent been..ive been trying so hard..i made 32 days w/out si..then i blew it..then i made another 14 days. but last night i blew that too ending up w me hving multiple 1st degree burns and one 2nd..i also gave in today..i dont know how to stop..i know i need to but right now that seems impossible...im sorry for going on about my problems..i needed somewhere to write them down..i hope that maybe after writing all this i can get some sleep finnally

[Nathan_B]

well i know you don't know me but i'm sorry all these bad things are happening to you all at this one time. i'm sort of going through a spiraling out of control situation too and i have problems with my identity and who i am and i just wanted to let you know that thing will get better. believe me. people talk crap about me behind my back, i'm always worrying about other people than me and it causes me to suffer and my life is getting hectic and out of control but i always tell myself that things will get better. so i don't know if this helps but i hope it did. and i hope things get better for you.

[welcome_to_chaos]

thanks :/

[Razz]

first of all *huggs*
i'm really sorry your going through all of this.. hopefully what i say will help you in some sort of way..
people will read your post hun, and i'm sorry to hear your boyfriend got arrested. Was it self defense? Because if it was, you should tell someone so he gets out. As far as the bullying goes tell an adult, perhaps they can get it to stop. You are not ugly, I have seen your pictures.. and your are pretty, so don't listen to them. You can't listen to bullys, they bully to put other people down which is why they bully a lot of times in numbers, because they are so insecure with themselves that they all sort of work together to put one person down. I don't understand how that concept works. Five against 1 and they feel so full of themselves afterwards that they hurt a person... I know how hard it is to say alright.. I'm not going to listen to them because frankly it's like sanding down a stick.. sure it doesn't do much damage at first, but the longer it goes down the more and more the stick grows weaker until it breaks.
As far as the eating disorder goes, i know how hard it is to want to lose weight.. think of it this way... the less you eat the slower yoru metabolism will be. so you can eat a horse and not gain weight... but when you stop eating then start back and eat a duck.. then you will only not gain weight, but when you get back to eating a horse, you will gain weihgt... you will eventually lose it once your body knwos your not starving itself anymroe, but it takes awhile. You gain more fat when you starve yourself. Water also increases metabolism so make sure you keep drinking!!!! Don't get dehydrated. I know that when i'm into too deep into my eating disorder i don't even want to drink water. Because I'm afraid i'll gain water weight and become bloated, so I can't have anything inside of me at all. I'm glad you have your three friends, focus on them!! hang out with them.
When they are 17 they can choose who they want to live with (your niece and nephew). Or they can call a social worker and get out. If they've been in the hospital or have phsycial evidence on their bodies take pictures, document.. try to get them to set a tape recorder and leave it on record for awhile. Then you have evidence.

for panic attacks try pouring ice cold water on your head, it has worked for me, it's like waking up.

you should tell someone about your ex, so he can get help. Why not talk to him about it?

it's not your fault he molested someone, and it's never too late to tell.

perhaps it's a good idea to keep in silence since your parents are strict baptists.

it's great that you went that long without Self harm. That is very good, you should keep at it hun!! you can get through this!!!! *huggles*