1_21Guns
October 17th, 2010, 01:01 PM
at times, i honestly wish she'd aborted me.
why are you so eager to go?
because you're annoying when you've had a drink.
who're you so eager to get back and talk to?
nobody.
where's sir text a lot tonight?
don't know, don't really care.
you said i dont let you talk, talk then
no, i have nothing to say to you, i'm going to bed.
talk then
you're annoying me, i'm going to bed.
ever thought i do it because i know it winds you up?
fucking grow up.
natalie connor!
julie holt.
don't go yet, i need to finish this mint.
not my problem.
get back in here.
what?
talk then
hurry up.
can't bite it with my teeth, so talk
how old are you?
thirty..... eight?
act like it then, goodnight.
oi
see you in the morning.
(patronizing tone) night love
night.
by the looks of that conversation, it looks like i'm being cocky with her, but this is actually the kind of conversation we have every weekend, and i've lost the patience to pretend it's not irritating me.
she's not alcoholic, she has hardly anything, but the effects of her being so talkative don't take long to come out.
i often talked about my fathers abuse in the past, never really bothered much with the way my mum treated me, because back then, that was 'better'.
she wasn't like this for a while, everything was great.
but now it seems she's gone back to some infantile state.
she's always been more of a big sister than a mum, i've been told a few times, let her be a mum then. but everytime i think about doing it, she has an episode like this.
i was never meant to happen, and maybe that still hurts.
it was one kick in the teeth to learn i was an accident, although most children are, which took some of the pain away.
but the fatal blow was learning that it was because the condom didnt work.
they didn't want a child, and thought they had avoided it.
when they hadn't, quite the opposite.
this left me feeling useless, more so than i already did.
pointless.
I spent a lot of my childhood wishing I hadn't been born, they seemed to make up for my existance by offering me material gifts as appose to social attention, which was something I grew up and isolated myself from. Getting through school this way, at first was fine. Due to being bullied in primary, positive social attention was rare, which allowed me to keep well away from being too close to anyone.
High school however, presented me with quite the opposite. Suddenly, so many new faces, people who didn't judge me from what the bullies said, despite them carrying on throughout high school, and I suppose you could say even now, it hasn't quite gone away. meant that suddenly I had quite a few friends, friends who hugged and had close friendships.
this kind of friendship was alien to me, the only times i'd been hugged for the past 13 years, were when i was upset, and my best friend would awkwardly hug me, because she knew that behaviour simply wasn't in my nature.
now i'm faced with this happening again, due to starting college next year, which frankly is a whole different situation in itself.
i suppose that's part of the problem with even attempting a mature conversation to my mother, although i seem able to open up on here, and to most of my friends there seems to be some barrier to even considering mentioning the slightest thing to her.
as usual, anything to do with my family, or general social issues is pushed to the back of my mind, locked away and ignored until it forces itself to the front, and comes spilling out.
there doesn't seem to be one weekend anymore where i wish i wasn't here, i wish i never was or that i was old enough to get away. i want my dad. i want closure. i spent most of the weekend making a scrap book, closure until that incidient i started with last night. now it seems to torment me, flicking through the pictures. unwanted fake smiles, in a room too far back for me to remember, yet the place seems familiar.
mentally, due to having to grow up so fast, my mind feels like its torn in two, at times i feel older than i actually am, whereas other times, i feel like mentally im quite a few years younger because i never really got to be a kid much. this leaves me looking at certain situations differently sometimes, and then a different way some other time, unable to take certain things seriously and it's frustrating.
so, i guess i've lost my train of thought, this is me done for now. this was pointless, and needs no reply, so sorry if you just wasted your time reading it :P
why are you so eager to go?
because you're annoying when you've had a drink.
who're you so eager to get back and talk to?
nobody.
where's sir text a lot tonight?
don't know, don't really care.
you said i dont let you talk, talk then
no, i have nothing to say to you, i'm going to bed.
talk then
you're annoying me, i'm going to bed.
ever thought i do it because i know it winds you up?
fucking grow up.
natalie connor!
julie holt.
don't go yet, i need to finish this mint.
not my problem.
get back in here.
what?
talk then
hurry up.
can't bite it with my teeth, so talk
how old are you?
thirty..... eight?
act like it then, goodnight.
oi
see you in the morning.
(patronizing tone) night love
night.
by the looks of that conversation, it looks like i'm being cocky with her, but this is actually the kind of conversation we have every weekend, and i've lost the patience to pretend it's not irritating me.
she's not alcoholic, she has hardly anything, but the effects of her being so talkative don't take long to come out.
i often talked about my fathers abuse in the past, never really bothered much with the way my mum treated me, because back then, that was 'better'.
she wasn't like this for a while, everything was great.
but now it seems she's gone back to some infantile state.
she's always been more of a big sister than a mum, i've been told a few times, let her be a mum then. but everytime i think about doing it, she has an episode like this.
i was never meant to happen, and maybe that still hurts.
it was one kick in the teeth to learn i was an accident, although most children are, which took some of the pain away.
but the fatal blow was learning that it was because the condom didnt work.
they didn't want a child, and thought they had avoided it.
when they hadn't, quite the opposite.
this left me feeling useless, more so than i already did.
pointless.
I spent a lot of my childhood wishing I hadn't been born, they seemed to make up for my existance by offering me material gifts as appose to social attention, which was something I grew up and isolated myself from. Getting through school this way, at first was fine. Due to being bullied in primary, positive social attention was rare, which allowed me to keep well away from being too close to anyone.
High school however, presented me with quite the opposite. Suddenly, so many new faces, people who didn't judge me from what the bullies said, despite them carrying on throughout high school, and I suppose you could say even now, it hasn't quite gone away. meant that suddenly I had quite a few friends, friends who hugged and had close friendships.
this kind of friendship was alien to me, the only times i'd been hugged for the past 13 years, were when i was upset, and my best friend would awkwardly hug me, because she knew that behaviour simply wasn't in my nature.
now i'm faced with this happening again, due to starting college next year, which frankly is a whole different situation in itself.
i suppose that's part of the problem with even attempting a mature conversation to my mother, although i seem able to open up on here, and to most of my friends there seems to be some barrier to even considering mentioning the slightest thing to her.
as usual, anything to do with my family, or general social issues is pushed to the back of my mind, locked away and ignored until it forces itself to the front, and comes spilling out.
there doesn't seem to be one weekend anymore where i wish i wasn't here, i wish i never was or that i was old enough to get away. i want my dad. i want closure. i spent most of the weekend making a scrap book, closure until that incidient i started with last night. now it seems to torment me, flicking through the pictures. unwanted fake smiles, in a room too far back for me to remember, yet the place seems familiar.
mentally, due to having to grow up so fast, my mind feels like its torn in two, at times i feel older than i actually am, whereas other times, i feel like mentally im quite a few years younger because i never really got to be a kid much. this leaves me looking at certain situations differently sometimes, and then a different way some other time, unable to take certain things seriously and it's frustrating.
so, i guess i've lost my train of thought, this is me done for now. this was pointless, and needs no reply, so sorry if you just wasted your time reading it :P