198 days cut free (might be triggering)

[ChristianaValle]

As of today I am almost 200 days cut free :yeah:, and right now my thoughts are;

1. Im sick of having to show all my emotions.
2. I want to go back to my secretive side.
3. I cant wait til Winter.
4. I need to buy new razors.


Im not depressed. Im actally really really happy, and I dont understand why I have these thoughts its been almost 200 days I should be celebrating that I have stopped cutting with no support from anyone in my family, only a select few of my friends know I have stopped, the rest dont care enought to ask, and im totally content with that.:)
I dont want to give up my almost 200 days, but maybe its time for me to restart my count. I think Im at the point, where I want to cut just because I want to feel like how I used to, I dont know, my brain and my thoughts are just confusing me more and more; But before you respond you should know a little about my cutting past;

I started cutting when I was 11, I am almost 18.
Of course they started off really small and shallow like cat scratches then I found better and quicker ways of doing it.
I have used; rubberbands, razors, sissors, nails, screws, needles, lighters, erasers, pencil sharpener blades, utility razors, my own nails, keys (you get the point). I have cut myself, then burned over it, then cut over the burn. I am a huge fan of carving. I have "Love me, Hate me, Fuck me, Help me, Save me, Only me, No love, Fat, Lie, Fail, Die and Hell" I have shapes all over my body. When I went to the mental hospital when I was 15 about to turn 16 they had to count each and every one of my scars, I had over 3,000 scars. So I have had a tough life no need to get into it, but cutting is just the best way for me to deal with it. But when I turned 15 I stopped cutting to do drugs, I started off small, weed and alcohol, then it turned to mushrooms and extacy, and acid, and then I started doing cocaine and heroin. I overdosed on heroin on Halloween of 2008. And I went to rehab, I loved it there, I was finally happy and everyone understood where I was coming from and what I had been through. I have been out of rehab for 2 years in April. and now, I am here. Almost 200 days cut free and Im so confused about what is going on in my head.


The moral of this post is;
a. to get help from other people who understand whats going on.
b. to have people understand my past so they dont make assumptions.

Oh, and I have had a therpaist since I was 5.
Can anyonee HELP?

[UnknownError]

First of all, well done! :hug3:
Nearly 200 days is amazing! :)

You don't need to start the count again, you need to keep it going.
You need to get that count as high as you possibly can and then higher than that.
You've gone all this time, don't ruin it now.

Im here if you want to talk. :)

[ChristianaValle]

Thanks. :D

I just dunno what to do.

[XxMurderedKissesxX]

You keep going, because your a strong person. It may seem like a good idea to restart cutting now, but its not. You said it yourself : Your happy. Keep being a happy, healthy cut free person. Try to focus your self harming energy on other things. Like the people that care about you, that want you to keep on the road your treading.

[whereismymind]

I can't fully understand what things must be like for you, but I know how cutting feels and I can understand why you'd want to do it. But 200 days is amazing and shows how strong you are, so keep the day count going :) If you need to talk you can always message me

[Charleigh]

awhhh well done hun :) im so proud of you !!!! i was 4 weeks clear of harming ... im weak :/ ... keep it up and WOAH 3,000 scars!!! youve came a longgggg waay ! x

[HeroesAndCons]

ive been a few months cut free myself i know what ur wanting i miss it too its hard to show emotions and u would like to rather cut the pain away but just remind urself that u are sactred and you dont want to ruin that
just remidnd yoirself ruining ur eyeliner crying is better than having blood run down ur arms
if u ever need to pm me :D :hug:

[proudmummy91]

i know excatly how u feel...i went a year and a half without self harming...and 3 weeks ago i started again i forgot how good it made me feel...although i anit the answer i want to stop again but i dont know if i have the strengh to do it again x

[ChristianaValle]

i want to stop again but i dont know if i have the strengh to do it again x

You have the strenght you made it far. If I can give it up, so can you.
Thank you all for supporting me.
All of your advice was wonderful and I have decided to stay healthy without any scars.
I have realized the person I am today, the strong beautiful girl I am today, is because I dont self harm anymore.

[1_21Guns]

you have come so far, and 200 days is amazing.
you've had the strength to get over that first day, and although it may not seem it, that day is the hardest part.
you can get through this hun, you're strong enough.
:hug3: keep fighting, we're all here for you.