DrkZ90
October 14th, 2010, 08:57 PM
I haven't been feeling good at all for the last couple of weeks, but I was somewhat stable on my misery so to speak (things kept getting worse, but for the most part, I managed to somewhat handle them), but today a "nightmare" of sorts really hit me, it affected me a lot... I've spent the whole afternoon doing close to nothing thanks to it.
It was a very weird dream... I was in a sort of bigger version of the apartment I live in (like the rooms were bigger, so there was more space and stuff on them), and it was dark already... I was in the balcony with a "friend" from high school that I barely see anymore (I used to think of him as my best friend, and I had a huge crush on him... he didn't know that part, and as I learned before hs was over, he didn't really consider me his best friend, I'm not sure he ever thought about me as a friend at all) and we were talking about something I can't remember. He was laying down on some sort of recliner, and when he moved to his side he was sorta like in a "spoon" position with his butt towards me, I commented on it, he laughed and I went, hugged him and squeezed myself behind him, holding him... then my aunt appeared and said dinner was ready... for some reason we were then having dinner on the computer room instead of the dining room (which is just next to the computer room), and I couldn't feel comfortable on it, it was darker than it usually is, and it was like if something was there.
That's when I was really scared, and woke up. It was about 3 p.m. (which meant I had overslept. I intended to take a half-hour nap from 1:30 to 2 p.m.). Nobody else was home, which of course creeped me out, and the fact that I had to deal with flashbacks from high school all afternoon long didn't help... I feel mentally exhausted, and emotionally beaten... I really miss having him in my life, and that dream reminded me just that, in a moment when I am already pretty bad... we did share a bed like that once or twice (although with more space), and it also reminded me how much he hated those nights, and how annoyed he seemed about them back then.
And then there's the "dark presence", whatever it was that creeped me out and made me snap out of the dream... I don't know what it was, but is like his hatred towards me perhaps... I just don't know.
It broke me down... I almost killed myself twice, I don't know why I put the knife down both times... is not the first time that happens though, and I usually stop myself before even doing a scratch on me.
I don't know how to handle this... I can't stop thinking about him, thinking and remembering all that happened in school... when things weren't going as bad, when I was oblivious to all this hatred towards me.
I'm afraid of going to sleep now, because I will feel so happy in the dream at one point, and then it will turn into a nightmare and end up with me waking up to the fucked up reality I'm in. In the end I think that's what affected me the most, the fact that at the beginning of my dream I was happy, feeling close to him, then it went into a nightmare and back to a reality.
I'm not sure if this is the right section for this, I hope I didn't fuck up, feel free to move it if you see it fit. Thanks for whoever can help, dunno if that's even possible.
It was a very weird dream... I was in a sort of bigger version of the apartment I live in (like the rooms were bigger, so there was more space and stuff on them), and it was dark already... I was in the balcony with a "friend" from high school that I barely see anymore (I used to think of him as my best friend, and I had a huge crush on him... he didn't know that part, and as I learned before hs was over, he didn't really consider me his best friend, I'm not sure he ever thought about me as a friend at all) and we were talking about something I can't remember. He was laying down on some sort of recliner, and when he moved to his side he was sorta like in a "spoon" position with his butt towards me, I commented on it, he laughed and I went, hugged him and squeezed myself behind him, holding him... then my aunt appeared and said dinner was ready... for some reason we were then having dinner on the computer room instead of the dining room (which is just next to the computer room), and I couldn't feel comfortable on it, it was darker than it usually is, and it was like if something was there.
That's when I was really scared, and woke up. It was about 3 p.m. (which meant I had overslept. I intended to take a half-hour nap from 1:30 to 2 p.m.). Nobody else was home, which of course creeped me out, and the fact that I had to deal with flashbacks from high school all afternoon long didn't help... I feel mentally exhausted, and emotionally beaten... I really miss having him in my life, and that dream reminded me just that, in a moment when I am already pretty bad... we did share a bed like that once or twice (although with more space), and it also reminded me how much he hated those nights, and how annoyed he seemed about them back then.
And then there's the "dark presence", whatever it was that creeped me out and made me snap out of the dream... I don't know what it was, but is like his hatred towards me perhaps... I just don't know.
It broke me down... I almost killed myself twice, I don't know why I put the knife down both times... is not the first time that happens though, and I usually stop myself before even doing a scratch on me.
I don't know how to handle this... I can't stop thinking about him, thinking and remembering all that happened in school... when things weren't going as bad, when I was oblivious to all this hatred towards me.
I'm afraid of going to sleep now, because I will feel so happy in the dream at one point, and then it will turn into a nightmare and end up with me waking up to the fucked up reality I'm in. In the end I think that's what affected me the most, the fact that at the beginning of my dream I was happy, feeling close to him, then it went into a nightmare and back to a reality.
I'm not sure if this is the right section for this, I hope I didn't fuck up, feel free to move it if you see it fit. Thanks for whoever can help, dunno if that's even possible.