devilsheep
October 13th, 2010, 02:12 PM
About 3 weeks ago i started thinking about my eventual death quite alot, putting myself in the future pretty much at the moment of my death. I went through in my head what it would be like to die and it scared me.. the only problem is I put myself through it quite alot and it's changing alot of things with my mind and overall mood towards living.
Ever since my thoughts about my own death have been occuring, i've noticed a change in my perspective. I sometimes don't feel like I even know myself, like who ive lived as for 17 years is alien and it scares me because I feel like im new to my body. Sometimes everything around me seems different and this goes along with my feeling of feeling different.
I've researched this and i found out ive been having depersonalization and derealization. It said that it's sometimes caused by anxiety, and this makes sense because ive been having anxiety about death for the past 3 weeks or a month.
My thoughts about death combined with this depersonalization and derealization has really made me afraid to be alone to my thoughts and being alone in general. I had always had no problem being alone as i'm usually downstairs on my laptop or something but I used to be content with it and had no problems, but now I can't stand it i find myself being anxious about nothing in particular and when Im upstairs with my parents I seem to relax. I also seem to relax when im with other people engaged in talking or sports or something.
Anyways, all this has also made me look at my life and purpose on this earth in a very new and negative way. I look into the future and don't even care and am somewhat scared. It's all downplayed by the fact that i'm going to die and I can't wrap my head around it. It's like ive never really fully accepted and realised that I am going to die one day and just now my eyes have opened in a sense and its a whole new world.
I don't really know whats going on with me but im planning on telling my parents soon because I'm having troubles sleeping because I hate the silence my mind just goes to work and scares the hell out of me and it's driving me pretty crazy. Just to add I smoked alot of weed over the summer and during that period of time I did think about death a few times and it scared the hell out of me, and i also had various out of body experiences and maybe this is what triggered my mind to be able to have them, but maybe not.
Anyways, if anyone can relate or help it'd be much appreciated.
Thanks
Ever since my thoughts about my own death have been occuring, i've noticed a change in my perspective. I sometimes don't feel like I even know myself, like who ive lived as for 17 years is alien and it scares me because I feel like im new to my body. Sometimes everything around me seems different and this goes along with my feeling of feeling different.
I've researched this and i found out ive been having depersonalization and derealization. It said that it's sometimes caused by anxiety, and this makes sense because ive been having anxiety about death for the past 3 weeks or a month.
My thoughts about death combined with this depersonalization and derealization has really made me afraid to be alone to my thoughts and being alone in general. I had always had no problem being alone as i'm usually downstairs on my laptop or something but I used to be content with it and had no problems, but now I can't stand it i find myself being anxious about nothing in particular and when Im upstairs with my parents I seem to relax. I also seem to relax when im with other people engaged in talking or sports or something.
Anyways, all this has also made me look at my life and purpose on this earth in a very new and negative way. I look into the future and don't even care and am somewhat scared. It's all downplayed by the fact that i'm going to die and I can't wrap my head around it. It's like ive never really fully accepted and realised that I am going to die one day and just now my eyes have opened in a sense and its a whole new world.
I don't really know whats going on with me but im planning on telling my parents soon because I'm having troubles sleeping because I hate the silence my mind just goes to work and scares the hell out of me and it's driving me pretty crazy. Just to add I smoked alot of weed over the summer and during that period of time I did think about death a few times and it scared the hell out of me, and i also had various out of body experiences and maybe this is what triggered my mind to be able to have them, but maybe not.
Anyways, if anyone can relate or help it'd be much appreciated.
Thanks