I don't even know...

[starbrite5]

I've just been feeling so empty for these past few days. It used to creep on me slowly, the numbness. But now it just tackles me, like this Saturday. For no reason, I was out of it. I don't feel like me, I don't feel like I'm in my body, but I don't feel like I'm anywhere else either. I've been cutting a lot since Saturday, but it's doing nothing to ground me, like it used to. And no one notices when it happens, because my mom's always caught up in her crap, and my dad's too worried about money, and my sister's gone off to college. I can't tell my friends, they would hate me. Why is life like this? Why do we feel stuff like this? Why do I react to feeling this stuff by running for a knife?

[Syvelocin]

That kind of dissociative feeling is the one that has been causing me to hurt myself more often than other feelings nowadays. It's a difficult one. Nothing seems real. It just feels to me like I'm floating off into this endless void.

The coping mechanism that has helped me the most to snap out of this is cold showers. Go as cold as you can bear, and once you've gotten used to it, go colder, until the water makes you feel like you have difficulty breathing. Then turn it back. It's a great shock to your system.

Why do you react by cutting? Well, it's what you know. It's your coping mechanism. When I did this in the past, the feeling went away. You run for the coping mechanism that has worked for you. By encorporating a new coping mechanism that works, you'll hopefully know to run to that coping mechanism instead of the other.

It sucks, in all honesty. It does. You just have to hang in there.

[tombstone]

I'm sorry to hear that :( I can relate to feeling empty, i ended up cutting myself just to feel something, anything. You say its not helping like it use to, then i suggest you try something else, try hanging out with friends, going for a run, working out etc.

I think people not noticing is fairly common, none of my friends or family has ever suspected it, even when some of them saw the scars they wouldn't believe it was self harm. So don't think its because they don't care.

If you don't want to tell your friends or someone close to you about what your going through, your more than welcome to talk to me, I've gone through what you've described.

[starbrite5]

Thanks, the cold shower thing worked. :) I feel myself again, though that isn't necessarily a good thing, since I feel bad. But at least I feel attached somewhere, rather than floating outside of myself. Honestly, I think it was just a reaction to seeing these two guys from my middle school that gave me a rough time in seventh grade.

I suppose I'm just afraid that the next time it happens it'll be permanent, you know? The first time it happened, it lasted almost a year. I don't ever want it to go on that long again.

My sister cuts, so whenever my mom sees the smallest scratch she assumes it's self-inflicted. But the ones she sees are the ones that are honestly accidental. And I told some friends back in March or April, but they just told me it was bad, I should stop, etc. And I think they assumed I did. They never really asked again.

[closed]

i know this feeling, and when you are in it you feel like you are standing in front of a wall that you can't pass. it's important to remember that even if it feels like it, there are allways solutions. about the friends? people commonly ignore things that disturb them. if theyr parents find this subject a taboo, than probably theyr children won't like to talk about it. even though i am new to vt, i see that people here are very supportive, so feel free to post anything, and if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm me :)

[starbrite5]

Two of the friends I told used to cut, so I don't really get why they didn't say anything. Maybe they thought helping me out would trigger them, but it came off like they just didn't care. I mean, they aren't very close friends, but still... agh, I don't know.