Discomposure
October 10th, 2010, 01:30 PM
I'm stuck. I really am, I'm usually okay at sorting my problems.
What do I do now, in August my grandma passed away, I was very close to her, it's so difficult to explain just how much she meant/means to me, it really is more than I can say. I love her so much.
But she's gone, and she's not coming back. And I feel so lost. I don't think there has been a day since she went that I haven't cried.
The night she died is so clear in my head still, she took her last breath whilst holding my hand, and she had her family round her, which is exactly how she wanted it. She'd had a good life, and said she was ready to go. But i'm being selfish, I didn't want her to go, I know how poorly she was, and I still didn't want her to be taken from me.
I can't get the images of her being so ill out of my head, I can't remember her how I want to, all the good memories. All I can see is how bad she was, and I can't get this out my head. When she did pass, we dressed her before she was taken away, because it's again, what she wanted. But I can get the awful images out my head of her cold, stiff and very underweight body being lifted and dressed. None of the bad memories will go, I can't stop thinking about when the private ambulance came, and she was taken. I can't forget the way she looked in her coffin in the chapel of rest, they had "done her up" as best they could, but it wasn't my grandma, no way. She was so cold.
I just need to get this out, and sorry if you find me boring, but I don't post to entertain.
I guess the reason of this post is to ask you who have lost loved ones, what do I do now? I feel so lost it's unbelievable. I've started cutting again, not bad, but I know how easily it escelates, my not eatings got alot worse, and I can feel my depression coming back.
I know she isn't going to come back, and I don't kid myself that she will but I just can't stop thinking about her. I have really upsetting and frightening dreams that when i'm layed in bed, her dead body is just staring at me. I don't want to be scared, because I love her, I'd never be scared of her. I wish to myself that I don't think about her, and then I feel awful because I don't want to think of her, but they are all bad memories of when she was poorly and I don't want them. I want the happy memories, there is loads of them, but the bad ones just take over.
Sorry, but really where do I go from here? I don't see a point anymore, all we are doing is living to die, and no matter what we do in life, we will still die, so is there any point in anything? Even if we leave memories behind with people, they will still die, and at some point our whole exsistance will be forgotten, so the way I see it is there really is no point.
What do I do now, in August my grandma passed away, I was very close to her, it's so difficult to explain just how much she meant/means to me, it really is more than I can say. I love her so much.
But she's gone, and she's not coming back. And I feel so lost. I don't think there has been a day since she went that I haven't cried.
The night she died is so clear in my head still, she took her last breath whilst holding my hand, and she had her family round her, which is exactly how she wanted it. She'd had a good life, and said she was ready to go. But i'm being selfish, I didn't want her to go, I know how poorly she was, and I still didn't want her to be taken from me.
I can't get the images of her being so ill out of my head, I can't remember her how I want to, all the good memories. All I can see is how bad she was, and I can't get this out my head. When she did pass, we dressed her before she was taken away, because it's again, what she wanted. But I can get the awful images out my head of her cold, stiff and very underweight body being lifted and dressed. None of the bad memories will go, I can't stop thinking about when the private ambulance came, and she was taken. I can't forget the way she looked in her coffin in the chapel of rest, they had "done her up" as best they could, but it wasn't my grandma, no way. She was so cold.
I just need to get this out, and sorry if you find me boring, but I don't post to entertain.
I guess the reason of this post is to ask you who have lost loved ones, what do I do now? I feel so lost it's unbelievable. I've started cutting again, not bad, but I know how easily it escelates, my not eatings got alot worse, and I can feel my depression coming back.
I know she isn't going to come back, and I don't kid myself that she will but I just can't stop thinking about her. I have really upsetting and frightening dreams that when i'm layed in bed, her dead body is just staring at me. I don't want to be scared, because I love her, I'd never be scared of her. I wish to myself that I don't think about her, and then I feel awful because I don't want to think of her, but they are all bad memories of when she was poorly and I don't want them. I want the happy memories, there is loads of them, but the bad ones just take over.
Sorry, but really where do I go from here? I don't see a point anymore, all we are doing is living to die, and no matter what we do in life, we will still die, so is there any point in anything? Even if we leave memories behind with people, they will still die, and at some point our whole exsistance will be forgotten, so the way I see it is there really is no point.