My paranoia's back

[Syvelocin]

I was just at the peak of my happiness for probably the last four years. And I feel myself just sliding back down, ever so slowly.

Two nights in a row now, I've gotten virtually no sleep because I'm afraid to close my eyes. It's when I keep them open, that I can tell what's going on, and be sure there will be nothing there. When I finally close them, I hallucinate. And when you're that tired, you'll close your eyes. Then I hear things that aren't there, and feel things around me. I open my eyes, and it stops. I only hear my fan, and Jay's even breathing. The only person there is him.

He tells me it won't be over until I sleep, and to sleep, I have to close my eyes. He would tell me to close my eyes, and he would keep talking. Keep saying whatever he could, keep saying nonsense, even singing to me. Rubbing my arms. Making sure that I always heard his voice, and always felt his presence. Everything he could to let me know that he was there and that it would be alright if I kept my eyes closed. I finally fall asleep to this.

The bedding tucked in, so I knew where it was at all times. The window open, with the steady cold breeze and constant chirping of crickets. The ambience of my alarm clock sleep setting. Everything to keep me, and my imagination, grounded.

I kept everyone up till three last night. We usually go to bed at eleven. I feel like such an insane, burden, that no one should have to bear.

EDIT: Here comes yet another night, actually. I fell asleep about three hours ago, and woke up again with the same paranoia as the last two days. I'm trying to judge whether it would be better to get over this, or sleep on the couch until I gain back more sanity.

I'm so tired...

[Syvelocin]

Am I allowed to bump yet after fifteen days of no replies? :P I guess I still am anyway, but just checking.. XD

[Fact]

i'm not expert on things like this...
but after reading what you've said about your paranoia, i feel something similar, most likely not as severe.
i find that if i just force myself to not think about it... in my head i think about something nice and as the horrible things creep in, i often hear music in my head. so i'll play a song in my head that i like. that way, the things im seeing in my head become less scary - i dont hear them, they're just pictures.
it's good that you've got people to support you through this :] it sounds like Jay is of great help to you ^^

hope this helps! ♥

[Haven]

Hey there,

It sucks finding ourselves in the height of our happiness, and to just feel like it's falling apart for one reason or another. It's kind-of scary actually, but in the end we're always capable of finding our way back out and to where we feel comfortable age. Just whatever you do, don't allow yourself to keep sliding away. Do everything you can in order to assure your happiness, and never sell yourself short of what you deserve. In a sense, do all that you can in order to grasp onto what has kept you happy for the past four years.

As hard as it may be, you just have to keep pushing yourself forward. Sure it may be hard to force yourself to lay down and fall asleep, but once you're asleep everything will be okay. Hallucinations usually appear when a person is awake and concious, but they're in a (sort of) state where their perceptions of things aren't up to par. From the sounds of it it seems like this only really occurs when you're going to fall asleep (correct me if I'm wrong, please.) In which case, this may just be a sign. I remember in my abnormal psych class, our teacher went on a lecture about the causes of hallucinations drawn in on sleep deprivation. The longer you exhaust your body, the more likelihood you'll continue to hallucinate.

My suggestion to you would to ensure that you allow yourself enough time to get an adequate amount of sleep at night. Teenagers are generally recommended to get between eight and ten hours of sleep per night, and most of the time we don't allot ourselves even close to that amount. You might also want to make sure you put aside some time to yourself where you can just relax and get away from the stress in your life. If these problems do keep occurring, I wouldn't recommend just trying to forget about them. Sure they may disappear in the future, but what happens when/if they return in the future? Talk to your doctor, even if it's just a light chat to get him informed on what's happening.

But all in all, you're lucky to have people in your life who care about your well-being. Don't feel like a burden on them. They're there in order to assure your safety and to make sure you're okay. If it takes having him by your side to assure that everything is alright, then try to let him be there for you, and when he can't be, occupy yourself with noise so that your mind is focused on something other than the thoughts running through it and other factors playing into this. <3 Try developing a routine if you can, just to make sure that you're getting enough rest and that you're able to plan your night-schedule (odd wording, sorry :P) in order to focus away from these thoughts.

Best wishes,
Wayne

[Syvelocin]

Wow, hi! :P

Thanks for the advice. I really gave up on the thread, other than Fact's post.

I do hallucinate at other times too, but it's worse at night because I actually let it get to me, and it only creeps me out when I'm so aware of my surroundings. Usually, I'll ignore whatever I see, but when I'm just lying there... it scares the crap out of me. The hallucinations are due to bipolar disorder/psychosis.

I'm also an adult, and therefore I don't need the sleep that kids do! :P Kidding. I'm still a teenager though, just the upper part of that range. I'm an insomniac, so I actually sleep just the same regardless of hallucinations. Sleep is something that I've never had a lot of, and I've come to function better than I used to with little sleep at all.

Oh, my doctors know :P They know all about the little ball of fun and psychiatric problems that I am XD