temporary
October 6th, 2010, 03:22 PM
I have a dilemma.
For a few years now i have had an internal battle with coming to terms with what my identity might be. I have had feelings towards people of the same sex as me for as long as that. Only some months ago did the emotional confusion and the realization that I had feelings for a particular boy make me see that my orientation was not as I had once thought.
Still emotionally confused at present, I am now in a relationship of sorts with a bisexual boy who is 2 years my elder. When I got together with him around about February at a cadet camp, i was thought i was comfortable with my identity just then, and if I were going through a phase, then I would have no regret for what had with him. To many people regret things that happened to them in the past when they know deep down that at the time, they knew no better. I know that it is fairly common among teenagers to have "experimented" at one point or another, out of curiosity if nothing else.
Before i start asking for advice and answers to the questions i'm not quite sure are the right ones, i feel it is necessary to narrate the portion of my life that concerns all this. If you understand my feelings and general thoughts that occurred during that time, i think you will have a better chance of analysing the situation more precisely.
It started about 3 years ago (I was in year 7 back then) at a school watersports trip to southern France near a lake reserve "La reserve", you may have heard of it. One of the boys in my tent happened to be one of my twin brothers friends. This meant that right from the moment i met him we were both at ease with each other. As i got to know him more throughout that trip, I developed what i would call now as a crush towards him. Indeed, one night I even had a wank fantasizing about him, but for some strange reason thought nothing of it-it felt right at the time. After the trip i soon got over him, but as it was the summer holidays i had more time to contemplate on what had happened back then. I was very confused with what those feelings had meant, what the boy would say if i found out, and what it meant in terms of me. However, i never actually questioned my sexuality during this time. Soon i was back at school and what with everything happening, i did not think on the matter any further.
The longest period of passion i have ever had in my short life of 14 years started at the beginning of year 8. The boy i loved was the most beautiful person in the world to me, and i wanted to kiss him and be with him forever. I fantasized about him so much and couldn't speak whenever he started to chat to me, my heart beat so fast and i felt so very nervous. Every touch from him in the classes we sat next to each other i felt, noticed and was overjoyed by them. Every smile i took as directed at me. A few times, when the event arose that we had to hold hands for some reason, or when he gave me a high five ending in a hand clasp, i thought i would either die out of sheer love or kiss him right then and there, regardless of who was watching. I really loved this boy, and for so long. Every time i felt i was over him, he kept pulling me back with that smile. It was now that i seriously started to question my sexuality. I even used facebook quizzes, as if they would help anyway. After a little consideration, i just accepted that my feelings were on an emotional rollercoaster at the moment, that i should just let them occur to me, and wait until the ride settled down to one definitive track.
I realise now that that isn't going to work. And if it is, then it's certainly taking its time. From that time to now, i have had a few minor crushes on other boys and have a sort of relationship with another boy. I still wank to straight porn, however enjoy anal stimulation, yet could not for the life of me cum when in the relationship with the older boy. I don't know about my attraction towards girls, as i'm at a boys school and don't meet them as often as others. I need to think about this, and carefully. Thought i have, but i still need advice and opinions with other people. They are very valuable.
My questions to you all, then, are these: What is your opinion on my sexuality at present? Do you think that i am going through a phase as quite a lot of teenagers have done, do you think that i have a tendency to becoming bi, or gay? Say what you think about me. If you come to the conclusion that i do like men, then should i stay with the older boy having only just realised my sexual preference? If not, how should i approach telling him that this can't happen, in a way that won't hurt him as badly as if i did it on the spot? I am supposed to be handing in a letter by friday that confirms i am going to another cadet camp in late october. If i don't hand it in he'll think strangely of it, as it is practically the only time we meet up. I'll have to explain to him why, later, if i still stay in the relationship after this. I have left talking to someone a little late.
I know that i am asking for a lot from all of you. I've only given a few bits of information, i'm then asking questions that depend on the facts being clear and true. I'm effectively asking you to think for me. I hope you see that i am not writing all this just for people to sort out my life for me. I hope you see that i am just a confused person who needs a little help. You have already done a great deal by being someone with whom i can confide in and get some things off my chest.
Please reply, time is very much of the essence.
For a few years now i have had an internal battle with coming to terms with what my identity might be. I have had feelings towards people of the same sex as me for as long as that. Only some months ago did the emotional confusion and the realization that I had feelings for a particular boy make me see that my orientation was not as I had once thought.
Still emotionally confused at present, I am now in a relationship of sorts with a bisexual boy who is 2 years my elder. When I got together with him around about February at a cadet camp, i was thought i was comfortable with my identity just then, and if I were going through a phase, then I would have no regret for what had with him. To many people regret things that happened to them in the past when they know deep down that at the time, they knew no better. I know that it is fairly common among teenagers to have "experimented" at one point or another, out of curiosity if nothing else.
Before i start asking for advice and answers to the questions i'm not quite sure are the right ones, i feel it is necessary to narrate the portion of my life that concerns all this. If you understand my feelings and general thoughts that occurred during that time, i think you will have a better chance of analysing the situation more precisely.
It started about 3 years ago (I was in year 7 back then) at a school watersports trip to southern France near a lake reserve "La reserve", you may have heard of it. One of the boys in my tent happened to be one of my twin brothers friends. This meant that right from the moment i met him we were both at ease with each other. As i got to know him more throughout that trip, I developed what i would call now as a crush towards him. Indeed, one night I even had a wank fantasizing about him, but for some strange reason thought nothing of it-it felt right at the time. After the trip i soon got over him, but as it was the summer holidays i had more time to contemplate on what had happened back then. I was very confused with what those feelings had meant, what the boy would say if i found out, and what it meant in terms of me. However, i never actually questioned my sexuality during this time. Soon i was back at school and what with everything happening, i did not think on the matter any further.
The longest period of passion i have ever had in my short life of 14 years started at the beginning of year 8. The boy i loved was the most beautiful person in the world to me, and i wanted to kiss him and be with him forever. I fantasized about him so much and couldn't speak whenever he started to chat to me, my heart beat so fast and i felt so very nervous. Every touch from him in the classes we sat next to each other i felt, noticed and was overjoyed by them. Every smile i took as directed at me. A few times, when the event arose that we had to hold hands for some reason, or when he gave me a high five ending in a hand clasp, i thought i would either die out of sheer love or kiss him right then and there, regardless of who was watching. I really loved this boy, and for so long. Every time i felt i was over him, he kept pulling me back with that smile. It was now that i seriously started to question my sexuality. I even used facebook quizzes, as if they would help anyway. After a little consideration, i just accepted that my feelings were on an emotional rollercoaster at the moment, that i should just let them occur to me, and wait until the ride settled down to one definitive track.
I realise now that that isn't going to work. And if it is, then it's certainly taking its time. From that time to now, i have had a few minor crushes on other boys and have a sort of relationship with another boy. I still wank to straight porn, however enjoy anal stimulation, yet could not for the life of me cum when in the relationship with the older boy. I don't know about my attraction towards girls, as i'm at a boys school and don't meet them as often as others. I need to think about this, and carefully. Thought i have, but i still need advice and opinions with other people. They are very valuable.
My questions to you all, then, are these: What is your opinion on my sexuality at present? Do you think that i am going through a phase as quite a lot of teenagers have done, do you think that i have a tendency to becoming bi, or gay? Say what you think about me. If you come to the conclusion that i do like men, then should i stay with the older boy having only just realised my sexual preference? If not, how should i approach telling him that this can't happen, in a way that won't hurt him as badly as if i did it on the spot? I am supposed to be handing in a letter by friday that confirms i am going to another cadet camp in late october. If i don't hand it in he'll think strangely of it, as it is practically the only time we meet up. I'll have to explain to him why, later, if i still stay in the relationship after this. I have left talking to someone a little late.
I know that i am asking for a lot from all of you. I've only given a few bits of information, i'm then asking questions that depend on the facts being clear and true. I'm effectively asking you to think for me. I hope you see that i am not writing all this just for people to sort out my life for me. I hope you see that i am just a confused person who needs a little help. You have already done a great deal by being someone with whom i can confide in and get some things off my chest.
Please reply, time is very much of the essence.