Bob is back

[Asylum]

so i haven't posted in this section in awhile... mainly because i was afraid if my friend Ben logged in, he'd be hurt because he'd see i was getting worse into self injury. Self injury is almsot an every day thing for me now... i feel like i need it just to go through a given day.. i'm trying to avoid it now.. and make it through a day.. partially because i'm so anxious right now, if i let myself hurt myself, it would be unsafely deep.. :( when my parents left and i was alone i was so close to grabbing the kitchen knives and slicing up my thighs.. i just i hate myself, i feel like i'm a failure.. i feel unloved.. uncared for. i just feel alone.. i feel like my life isn't worht living and i'm a failure at it.. the world would be better off without me.. and be much more happier without me in it. i'm soooo sick of the restrictions on my life.. it seems like the older i get the mroe curfews i have.. labtop is taken by 10 when phone cuts off.. i mean stupid things like that, that frustrate me... i've never had a curfew like that :( it's so stupid... and phone and computer help calm my anxiety.. but i'm just tryig to accept it. school sucks i hate it.. i'm sick of being alone.. i'm sick of being mae fun of at home.. and my sister being the golden child.. . i can't stand it.. i really hate myself, i feel fat.. and ugly..
i'm so anxious.. i just need to feel something... anything... i'm sick of anxiety... my meds were uped.. and still i'm anxious... i can't deal with this anymore.. i just can't. i can't describe to you all what i'm feeling. i was wth my boyfriend last night, and i had an anxiety attack and i forgot where i was... i had no idea i was in his house.. it's like i was never there before... i'd love to give Bob up.. i really would.. Bob is what i call cutting...
it's not like i'm giving up.. or not avoiding it.. i'm trying not to do it.. i swear... i hate hurting others.. but to risk seeing hallucinations and numbness or being afraid because of voices or paranoid it's an escape from all of that.. and it's just so hard to say no... i try distraction. the cold water works, but i can't do that in the daytime. i've tried grounding..feeling thigns tryng to remeber how they feel, describing an object.. but even still i feel like nothng is real... i just feel so numb.. i feel like i'm unprepared for the real world, and soon i'll have to be pushed out into it and i'm afraid i'll drown.. i'm a skrew up.. i'm goingto fail.. and die alone.. i try not to think of things with what ifs... but i can't.. i try thinking realistically and its hard... arghh i just hate life right now... :( sorry for the rant

[Syvelocin]

Have you ever tried taking up a hobby to keep yourself busy? Or maybe an addicting game or some nice, long books. Distractions, distractions, distractions. Friends and (maybe) family, sports, activities. It might pick up the stress levels, but filling your day can help take your mind off of Bob.

i just i hate myself, i feel like i'm a failure.. i feel unloved.. uncared for. i just feel alone.. i feel like my life isn't worht living and i'm a failure at it.. the world would be better off without me.. and be much more happier without me in it. i'm soooo sick of the restrictions on my life.. it seems like the older i get the mroe curfews i have.. labtop is taken by 10 when phone cuts off.. i mean stupid things like that, that frustrate me... i've never had a curfew like that :frown: it's so stupid... and phone and computer help calm my anxiety.. but i'm just tryig to accept it.

This is where I come in usually, when I'm working or in practice sessions ;)

We need to get that boyfriend of yours to work. Doesn't he care for you? From what I've heard of him, he definitely cares about you. Whether you believe it or not, your family cares for you.

You're definitely not a failure. Failure's aren't walking this earth right now. No one who is strong enough to survive this long is a failure, they're the exact opposite. You are strong and persevering, and successful.

Every life is worth living, because, regardless of your religion, you have one chance on earth while you're in this body. Honestly, hun, you're much better off living your life, because no matter how many days, months, even years of darkness you see, I'm sure there's at least been a candle in your life. Even just that much light. If you weren't living your life, you'd see no light whatsoever. You'd never even have that candle. You wouldn't have your boyfriend, and I'm sure he'd be traumatized if he lost you. Even I would be devastated. Me, who has spoken to you on only about two instances. One life lost in this war is always too much.

The world will NOT be better off without you. You have so much available to contribute to the world, whether it's the cure for cancer or just a smile that will brighten someone's day. No matter what your future seems like, the world would be at a great loss if we didn't have you.

Wait till you have control over your life, it won't be too much longer. Restrictions will vanish, you just have to endure them while they're there.

i really hate myself, i feel fat.. and ugly..

For this one, I went to your profile. Is that you in the pictures in the first album?

I wish I looked like you. You are soooooooooooo pretty. And I know it's hard to get that into your mind, I struggle with that myself. I've spent weeks not looking in the mirror because I didn't want to look at myself, because I felt prettier if I didn't. I have many people in my life though that have made it their priority to make sure I get the message, that I'm gorgeous. I might not accept it, but it still helps. You are gorgeous, and I'm sure people know it.

I love cold showers. I started doing that recently, making a game out of it even, to see how cold I can stand. They've really helped. I hope you continue with the cold water.

Usually I don't recommend it, but get an elastic band and keep it around your wrist. One of the purely rubber ones though, no hair ties, unless it's one with the metal section. When you want to self-harm, snap it against your wrist, or wherever you like to self-harm. It fucking hurts, but it doesn't leave scars.

:hug: If you need anything else, I'm here.

[Asylum]

I used to skate, and that was a great distraction.. but my parents won't let me skate anymore.. My parents are not willing to take me to any activities after school, i mean i have music and that's a great distraction. I play piano and viola, however my parents complain about having to take me to and from my lesson. I can only play certain times of the day.. so i dont' have much time to practice or to play.. So it's hard to get distracted.
Your right he does care for me, sometimes when i just get upset... it's just hard for me to see reality... I can definately say though he is the one i'm staying alive, and trying to not self harm as much for. Very true.. i only have realisitlcally maybe ayear or three to live at home... so i mean things could get better... maybe... hopefully..
Thank you so much for posting this response, it's made me a lot less anxious :)

Unfortunately those pictures are me.. very old though.. Thank you for saying i'm pretty, it's really hard for me to beleive so though..
Cold water does help, and I plan on continuiing it :)
I haven't used the bands in awhile, i should probably go back to that :) thank you!
Rith I really, really appreciate your post. I really can't thank you enough for all your help.

[Syvelocin]

You don't quite have to make it an outside activity. A lot of what I do nowadays is at home. I've also found that my health endeavors have kept me distracted too. Getting some food into my body, getting my exercise in, that's been helping with both self-harm and in general my happiness level.

I'm glad I've been helpful :)

They really are pretty, I'm not just saying that :yes: I know it's difficult, extremely. I know it seems impossible to believe for yourself that you're pretty, and you (and me) will probably not get that far. But the goal is to eventually be content in your body, which still takes a long time to get to. You can change what you can, things like a new hairstyle or makeup, but there's a lot you can't change about yourself. Every flaw comes together to paint a picture of perfection though. Flaws are human, and humanity is beautiful.

You're welcome dearie :hug: