i'm just fed up...

[Painted_Indian_Horse]

i cant live with this. anxiety, sadness. i don't want to deal, i don't want to cope. life is only going to get harder, and it's already painful and useless. i'm in my junior year, the most important. i'v goofed off my entire past in school, so it's not like i've got good habits. i have never cared; i always thought school was pointless. i know it isn't, but that's not how it works. i can't even get myself to do what i'm supposed to, then i get in deep shit, and then i get anxiety attacks. i bring it all on myself, i'm useless. i don't see a point in anything. why in the world would i stick around for like 70 years, just to work every day of my life for shit that doesn't matter? riddle me that.
i don't understand the meaning. of anything, at all. life holds no significance for me. it's only going to get worse and worse. for example, people are mean assholes. i mean, i've met some nice people, but, as a whole, the human race should collectively burn in hell. no one cares for anything but themselves and money, which is so shallow and ridiculous it makes me want to cry. i am ashamed of being human because we fuck things up so bad. we are destroying our planet, and no one bats an eyelash. they just drive around the corner and buy a $6 coffee, probably only 40 cents of which went to the person who actually did the work.
this entire world makes me ashamed and angry. at everyone else for not doing shit, and at myself cause there's nothing i can do to change anything. i'm a useless, hopeless, waste of space. my parents have pretty much given up. granted, i never made it easy. but i don't see the point in rules, either. and even though i was saying all that stuff about saving the planet, it was really only on principle. everything ends eventually. i just wish people weren't so goddamn retarded. does that even make sense? i don't care, i'm just typing.
i don't get why i have to stick around. what the hell do i have to accomplish? failing miserably at everything i do because i can't follow through worth a shit? yeah, great life there. now i see why i should keep living. NOT.
when i'm at school, i just want to climb into my locker and hide there to be alone, the crowds of people just make me feel even worse about myself. but i know i can't get away from people all day, which is frustrating cause i'm usually on the verge of tears, and all i can think about is how much i fail at life. every comment people make, even if it isn't directed at me, sinks me a little lower. i want so bad to just collapse and cry my eyes out, but you don't really get that chance in high school. then, i know by the time i get home and i actually AM alone, i'm just too mentally and physically exhausted to cry at all. and crying in school would show my emotions in front of people, they'd just think i'm weak. i only let myself cry when i know i won't be disturbed. usually right before bed or in the shower.
i'm always exhausted. sitting up straight and paying attention is a big effort, and all people can ever see is the fact i don't live up to THEIR expectations. i'm not allowed to be happy that i even accomplish getting up in the morning. that should just be part of it.
even though i'm always tired, my heart is always pounding into my ribs, and i'm always nauseous and anxious. i always worry about things when i can't do anything about it, and when i can do something about it, i don't or i forget. if i'm not feeling anxious, i'm just... numb. i don't feel anything besides dizzyness. in short, i'm always either about to have an all-out panic attack, or i'm about to faint. i can never think straight or pay attention. the harder i try to focus, the less i end up accomplishing.
nothing seems worth working for. what is it accomplishing in the end? everything is just another impossible task, including making the trek from sunrise to sunset. just when i think things are going to be okay, just when i think i'm about to get a break or some peace of mind, it's ripped away from me after taunting me with the idea of relief.
on top of all this, i'm overweight. i have a non-existent love life. no one is interested in me. i'm shitty with relationships, anyways. i just want to stop eating. what's the fucking point of it? besides make you a fat outcast, i don't see one. so no more. from this night on, no more. but i always say some bullshit like that. then i just go eat again. i can't even be anorexic right. you'd think i hate myself enough to at least accomplish that, right? oh well, just proves my point further.
i can't hold it together anymore. i don't want to. it's too much work, too much trying for nothing. i'm fed up.

i'm not proofing this, i don't even care if anyone reads it. i really don't. i don't seem to matter to anyone in my real life, anyways. why would i matter to people who don't even know me? i just need to pick a way, and it'll be done. i don't want to feel pain, but i will if i must.

[1_21Guns]

i cant live with this. anxiety, sadness. i don't want to deal, i don't want to cope. life is only going to get harder, and it's already painful and useless. i'm in my junior year, the most important. i'v goofed off my entire past in school, so it's not like i've got good habits. i have never cared; i always thought school was pointless. i know it isn't, but that's not how it works. i can't even get myself to do what i'm supposed to, then i get in deep shit, and then i get anxiety attacks. i bring it all on myself, i'm useless. i don't see a point in anything. why in the world would i stick around for like 70 years, just to work every day of my life for shit that doesn't matter? riddle me that.

yeah, life does get harder, but it also has its ups and downs, the whole cycle seems never ending, and when we're down, we just don't see the point anymore, point is, the only point we have is the days that actually go right, and that's the best reason anyone has. yeah, you're stuck in one hell of a rut at the moment, but that doesn't mean you'll never move for the next 70 years. so you've goofed off for a year, doesn't mean it's too late to make it better now. you're future will be as good as you make it, and nobody is going to hold your hand the entire way, that is how we learn to thrive on our own, some unfortunately just have it harder than others.

i don't understand the meaning. of anything, at all. life holds no significance for me. it's only going to get worse and worse. for example, people are mean assholes. i mean, i've met some nice people, but, as a whole, the human race should collectively burn in hell. no one cares for anything but themselves and money, which is so shallow and ridiculous it makes me want to cry. i am ashamed of being human because we fuck things up so bad. we are destroying our planet, and no one bats an eyelash. they just drive around the corner and buy a $6 coffee, probably only 40 cents of which went to the person who actually did the work.

that's the way the world has been driven, beauty is a variation of glamour, money is what makes the world go around, and this in turn means that we have a race majoritally made up of vain, self centered business people, who care more about their job than their own life. nothing is going to change those people, because they're too set in their ways to even give a moment of time to think what they're doing, and where that stupid cup of coffe they're drinking came from.

this entire world makes me ashamed and angry. at everyone else for not doing shit, and at myself cause there's nothing i can do to change anything. i'm a useless, hopeless, waste of space. my parents have pretty much given up. granted, i never made it easy. but i don't see the point in rules, either. and even though i was saying all that stuff about saving the planet, it was really only on principle. everything ends eventually. i just wish people weren't so goddamn retarded. does that even make sense? i don't care, i'm just typing.

we're all as useless as eachother as far as changing the world goes, becase it's either all of us, or none of us, and the few that do see things without turning a blind eye are the minority which isn't built up of enough to do anything drastic. the world we live in is far from perfect, and nothing will undo what has now been done. it's not they're retarded, they know it's happening, it's just 'not their problem' when really, it is.

i don't get why i have to stick around. what the hell do i have to accomplish? failing miserably at everything i do because i can't follow through worth a shit? yeah, great life there. now i see why i should keep living. NOT.
when i'm at school, i just want to climb into my locker and hide there to be alone, the crowds of people just make me feel even worse about myself. but i know i can't get away from people all day, which is frustrating cause i'm usually on the verge of tears, and all i can think about is how much i fail at life. every comment people make, even if it isn't directed at me, sinks me a little lower. i want so bad to just collapse and cry my eyes out, but you don't really get that chance in high school. then, i know by the time i get home and i actually AM alone, i'm just too mentally and physically exhausted to cry at all. and crying in school would show my emotions in front of people, they'd just think i'm weak. i only let myself cry when i know i won't be disturbed. usually right before bed or in the shower.

you're not a failure at life, you're a perfectly intelligent person, who i'm sure if it wasn't for all this shit that the world has dumped on us, would be doing just fine. no, you can't shut the world out all the time, no matter how much we want the world to just go away, it never does. never stop letting yourself cry at all, you'll feel even worse, more pressure will build, and it will seem worse than it already appears. crying isn't weakness, cryings a perfectly normal thing to do, however some people quite enjoy mocking others for it, sometimes it's best just to realise your better than those fools.

i'm always exhausted. sitting up straight and paying attention is a big effort, and all people can ever see is the fact i don't live up to THEIR expectations. i'm not allowed to be happy that i even accomplish getting up in the morning. that should just be part of it.

their expections don't matter.
it's your life, you choose where you want to go.
yeah, some days you might feel like going nowhere,
but there must be something that you want to do,
you just feel like you've been so put down that you've told yourself a million times over you're too dumb to do that, when in reality, you're probably not.
no, you can't change the world alone, nobody can.
but theres a million other things you can do.

even though i'm always tired, my heart is always pounding into my ribs, and i'm always nauseous and anxious. i always worry about things when i can't do anything about it, and when i can do something about it, i don't or i forget. if i'm not feeling anxious, i'm just... numb. i don't feel anything besides dizzyness. in short, i'm always either about to have an all-out panic attack, or i'm about to faint. i can never think straight or pay attention. the harder i try to focus, the less i end up accomplishing.

if you can't do anything about it, then you can't do anything about it, when you get into a situation like that it's important to keep yourself calm, and try to stay relaxed, distract yourself if possible. yeah, it'll seem impossible at first, but it's not half as impossible as changing something you can't change.
stop trying so hard then, stop trying to live up to everyone elses expectations and live up to your own, challenge yourself every now and again, but never feel like you always have to answer to someone, because the only person you really have to answer to, is yourself.

nothing seems worth working for. what is it accomplishing in the end? everything is just another impossible task, including making the trek from sunrise to sunset. just when i think things are going to be okay, just when i think i'm about to get a break or some peace of mind, it's ripped away from me after taunting me with the idea of relief.
i can't hold it together anymore. i don't want to. it's too much work, too much trying for nothing. i'm fed up.

life, itself is indeed impossible, as we live to die, so nobody gets out alive in the end. its the journey inbetween life and death we much accomplish, everyone has their paths they want to follow, or sometimes like me they just see where the path goes, take a few chances, and see where they end up. indeed, it is a lot of work, but it should all pay off in the end. nobody ever realisticly said being a teenager was easy, because it's not, these will be some of the toughest years of your life, but the most important bit is being able to come out of it and say you made it, is that not an accomplishment?

i'm not proofing this, i don't even care if anyone reads it. i really don't. i don't seem to matter to anyone in my real life, anyways. why would i matter to people who don't even know me? i just need to pick a way, and it'll be done. i don't want to feel pain, but i will if i must.

why would you matter to people who don't know you?
because there are people who aren't those assholes you talked about earlier, people who genuinely care, and will look out for you, all be it through a computer screen, but they will watch out for you as much as they can.
the world is a crazy place, even makes its inhabitants crazy themselves, but why should it ever get the better of us?
the most painful thing you'll ever feel, is the split second of realisation that you never really lived, and now it's too late.

I know you probably weren't expecting anyone to reply to that, or write you an essay in responce, but there you go. probably wasn't much help, but hell I tried, if you ever need anyone, i'm here..

:hug:

[Painted_Indian_Horse]

thanks for replying :)

you're right about a lot of things. i'm just kind of down in the dumps lately. i'll get over it