She asked if I was emo...

[Magenta]

So there's a girl at school whom I've met recently who is very nice. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being around her even if I am quiet and a bit withdrawn. But we were going through my iPod and talking about shopping- typical girl stuff- when she just randomly remarked:

'So are you emo?'

I didn't quite understand. 'Uh, like how?'

'Y'know, clothing, music, that sort of stuff.'

I know she meant no harm by it but I've noticed people at my new school throw around words like 'rape', 'faggot', 'emo' and phrases like 'that's so gay' or 'yeah, go cut yourself' way too easily. I know I'm being oversensitive about a lot of it but I really can't stand hearing serious things (that are personal and related to close friends of mine) just casually said as if they're... ugh, it just bothers me so much.

I don't want people to know that I cut. I change in a shower stall in Gym, I wear long sleeves and pants (which in a class that is 80% Muslim thankfully doesn't stand out too much) to class and I never push up my sleeves. The entire afternoon I was sort of distracted.

I'm even reading a book called The Luckiest Girl in the World (because it's about cutting and it sort of helps me understand my own issues a bit) but right on the front cover are the words 'self-destructive impulses' and I make a conscious effort to hide it. Someone asked me what the book was about and I didn't want to explain 'cause I didn't want to be asked why I was reading it... if I did that too.

I know the logical answer is 'stop cutting 'cause then you'll feel better about yourself in public' but you guys know what it's like not to be ready to leave that... comfort zone.

I'm sort of venting 'cause I'm confused and a bit emotionally numb.

[Asylum]

emo is a dress/music style, asking you if' you were,she was talking about that. i think your ready to leave that "comfort zone." problm is you don't want to. i know i didn't and still don't but i'm trying. what does cutting do? provide what a 2 second release.. you and i both know it's not worth it. getting jobs... is a lot harder with scars.. ot to mention if you have a fmaily when your older your kids will be asking mommy what are those from? plus you end up hurting everyone around you.. you should get help. i did. now stopping cutting is one thign.. but you mst first get of your reason why you cut.. why do you cut? sorry if that's touchy, you dont' want to share, that's fine, i understand completely, just know i'm only trying to help you, i'm here for you hun :) your not alone.

[Magenta]

I know that's what she meant but it still... I don't know, it just caught me off guard.

I am seeing a therapist now. Cutting has not yet come into conversation yet because I have only seen her once so far but I'm hoping we can work something out. My trigger is anxiety and that's caused by so many different things it is hard to pinpoint it. Sometimes it seems as if it's random- though probably subconscious.

Thanks for your support. :cuddle:

[DarkHorses]

To people who self harm emo can have a deeper meaning. But I find that when most kids at school talk about it they mean a certain type of clothing and/or music. There's a group of kids at school I would consider 'emo' because of the music they listen to and what they wear, but I highly doubt that they cut themselves. And I highly doubt that someone would have enough courage to come right out and ask you if you cut yourself, at least not if you weren't extremely close friends. So I highly doubt she was trying to offend you or meant it in the way you think she did.

As for the cutting, have you ever talked to anyone about it? You don't need to come right out and tell someone that you self injure, but you could simply discuss with someone the reasons behind your self harm, and what has been triggering you. Talking through some of your problems and the issues that make you self harm might help you to deal with them and therefore help you not to feel the urge to self harm so often.

I know what it's like to deal with self harm, and it's not something that you just suddenly decide to quit and then get over the very next day. It's a long process simply to get to the place where you want to stop. I'm not going to say "stop self harming right now" because it's not that simple. But over time it will become easier for you, and as you start looking or other alternatives to the problems you're dealing with you eventually won't need self harm any longer, and you'll realize that you probably never even needed it to begin with.

I'm always here if you ever need to talk. Hang in there. :)

[Syvelocin]

I don't think it's being oversensitive to the phrases. You, like I am, are just more sensitive than the insensitive people who use them. I think anyone with a bit of common sense can realize that these words hurt people's feelings, whether they were directed at someone or not.

Yeah, I was reading a book called Willow last year and I was bringing it to school. It wasn't too obvious except for the back of the book. I always kept it covered.

I do think there's an amount of readiness. I see the cycles of psychiatric problems to usually have a period where the patient either doesn't desire help, is against getting help, or is perfectly content in their little niche they've created and allowed to develop for their own comfort. Then, when an incident triggers the desire for help, say a really deep cut, or just in general something that wakes them up, then they would like to look into help. It happens, and as much as I advise getting help, I would never council someone to get help if they haven't gotten into the mindset that they really, really want this change.

I'm still in that stage. And like many other things, I will want to fix it eventually. My time's just not now.

I hope your therapist becomes someone you like and trust. Finding the right professional is a very difficult and gruelling experience, but it's definitely worth it.