I am back :/

[Holding On*]

Not been on here for about a year I would say! Well feels it!!
Over the summer I came off my anti-depressants, and everything had been going really well! My therapy appointments were moving further and further apart and I was on the right track
Then CRASH. Suddenly I find myself here, with EDNOS again, depressed, wanting to self harm. I say crash, but it has been a bit gradual I guess, but more September than August...
I am scared that I am falling again. I am on six months no self harm but sooo tempted tonight.

I took this online test as I have been thinking and working out... every auturmn/winter is when I relapse. Every Summer is when I am good and hppy and come off meds. I think I might had SAD as well as or instead of 'Major Depression'.
The test agreed. And before anyone says it, I know these are NOT accurate and only a generalisation...

My results were:

Disorder Your Score
Major Depression: Moderate
Dysthymia: Slight-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder: Extremely High
Cyclothymia: Very High
Seasonal Affective Disorder: Extremely High
Postpartum Depression: N/A

I do not have Bi-polar I know that, but the reason it says that is my moods do fluctuate a lot but too frequent/not often enough at times to be bi-polar or something? I dont know. My Psychiatrist said its not bi-polar.

As for SAD: I have not always been 100% truthful (I know I know I should be) and at first said I did not suffer worse in the winter, as I didn't realise I did if that makes sense? It is only recently I realised! I am kind of worried, but then at same time I know theres not a lot different they can do for me. They could do Light Therapy, if I do have SAD, but it is not on the NHS and it costs thousands to have it so that is a no. Other than that, therapy and anti-depressants! Which I do already!

Also, I have always had a hunch I have Boderline Personality Disorder, and again an online test confirms my suspisions; as well as Cyclothymia.

I am kind of scared though to turn round and say to my doctor/s that actually I think I have this and this, as I do not want to seem as if I think I know it all etc if that makes sense? And also that I technically 'lied'. I hate people being dissapointed in me, and I know they probably wouldn't be, but they could be as I lied and gah.

I am so caught up in millions of thoughts right now that I highly doubt I am making sense. Sorry :S

I am aware this is more of a rant then a question or anything... sorry...

-Steph

[Scarface]

Don't be sorry for expressing yourself, that's never something to apologize for. Though I can definitely understand how you feel. It's like a roller coaster of emotions if you know what I mean. Where you feel absolutely fantastic then a moment of down and it's like you're trying to crawl back up. I know what you mean. Summer months are my favorite as the sun is shining, it's nice and warm. No stress, slower at work, just a lot more laid back. So it's like a load off of my mind. The same situation could be applied to you as well, but with no classes and less stress from things.

You have gone 6 months without self harming which is fabulous, you're doing great! Don't let this swing of emotions take you back down that road because it will only worsen your situation and you want to work forward not backwards right?

Also when it comes to self diagnosis or internet quizzes, I wouldn't put a full 100% guarantee accuracy because you and your doctor should be the ones going over that. Especially since it's a quiz and not someone in front of you analyzing. So don't try to label yourself unless specifically diagnosed by your psychiatrist. You wouldn't be a know it all if you go over some of your symptoms and discuss it possibly being (A) or (B) because they're there to help and will tell you otherwise if you do or don't.

Maybe you could schedule your appointments with him/her and start talking with them that way you can get back to where you were in the Summer months because you are doing very well and I would hate to see you fall back down.

Everyone has their moments and time periods of depression and down time, but you can do this. You don't have to lower yourself down again because you know where it got you last time. I know you can make it through this. You've accomplished so much. So don't let all of these thoughts wonder through your mind. Just take things day by day, work one problem at a time. Nothing can be all done in one day. So just keep yourself occupied. Get involved in studies. Also start seeing your psychiatrist again.

I know you're going to be on the right track, though if you need a boost along the way, I'm always here to help, welcome back to Virtual Teen :hug3: if you need someone to talk to PM me or VM me. Remember you're never alone. Okay?

[Holding On*]

That is the thing though, my depression is getting worse and worse and there is no reason for it... I dont ever want to do anything - so cant/find it hard to take mind off it. Theres no real problems to work out - just events that annoy me...
oh i dont know...
meh.
I see Debbie on Friday so may run this all past her and see wha she thinks. She is my therapist but is in contact with my psychiatrist so would talk to him about it i am sure...

thanks xx

[Scarface]

Good, just make sure to make consistent visits so that it's a more of a reassurance and something you can always count on when you need it the most. Though in between I'm always here if you need someone to talk to.

Depression can come in different forms. Like I used to just want to sleep all the time. No energy. No ambition to do anything. Then fear. I was a mess,but what you can do is make a list of things that you're happy for or things you know you can look forward to. that way you have some positivity in your life. that way it isn't always so concentrated on the negative. Try to have optimism even in the worst of situations. It's easier to cope and over come things in your life.

See what they have to say, I'm sure they will lead you down the right path. :hug3: I hope things turn around for you.

[Holding On*]

Thanks :) !!