i feel guilty that she aborted her baby. [Archive]

Kahn

September 25th, 2010, 06:03 PM

last year around may i told my family i self harmed,my mum didn't want nothing to do with me she didn't have nothing to do me for weeks and my dad lost his voice because of stress and my sister..well i thought she was okay she was the only one that treated me normally,but in November i found a letter addressed to her and i know it was wrong of me to look but when i seen the hospital logo up the top of it i worried,so i looked and it,it just roughly said that she had an abortion and all the other details the date the month the year.
i froze when i read the date it was around the same time i told them i self harmed,i didn't want to jump to conclusions so i buried it in the back of head and tried not to think about it.
then this year my sister told us she was pregnant again and she was keeping it, well explaining this she explained that she had aborted the baby she fell pregnant with last year because of everything that was going on (me telling them i self harmed).
ever since that day ive been feeling so guilty,i mean if i didn't say anything that child would be alive right now but no all because of me hes not.
so anyway shes now only got 3 weeks left of pregnancy,and everyones excited,its all anyone can talk about.
but i hate the child...well i don't hate him i just i suppose im scared that somethings gonna happen to him, that im screw up his life just like i have everyone else's,and i know it sounds selfish but i used to wish he was dead because i felt like he was pulling me away from my sister ,the last time i said that was about 6 or 7 days ago(i know i shouldent have i was in a really bad place and my mum well was just being..my mum was just being my mum you'll know what i mean if you've read my other thread and i know thats no excuse but i really regret it now.).i keep thinking what if something goes wrong when hes born it will be my fault.
now one knows about all of this cause i don't want to ruin this special time in her life,this her moment and i want her to enjoy it as much as she can cause she deserves it.
but i don't know if i can be a good aunt and good sister considering what ive done and what ive said,i don't whether it would be a nicer thing to do if i just had as little as possible to with them that way i cant hurt them any more than i already have.

What you've got to do is let go of the past, Bianca. It's over, and finished. Living in the past will hurt you more than anyone, and no matter what happens your health comes first. You need to realize that it's not your fault that she aborted the first time, because it was her choice. She could've easily kept the first one, but she did it on her own. It seemed subtle, and quiet. It didn't seem like she was doing it because of you because you make it sound like she hasn't expressed that. It was just a very hard time in everyone's life when you finally came out about self harming.

You also need to let go of what you think will happen if the baby has problems when it is born. If it does, it wouldn't be your fault. It is your sisters baby, not yours. There is no way you can cause problems if it has, say, a disorder when it is born. It won't even be your sisters fault (Unless she's been drinking, smoking, etc.) it would just be a very unfortunate occurrence.

As long as you are well to the child, and you treat him like he is your own you will be a great aunt. My aunt treats me as if I am her child, and I love her just the same as I love my mother. You just need to treat her well.

If you seriously think that it is your fault, then confront your sister in private. If it is really bothering you, you need to tell her. If you keep it bottled up it could make you self harm more and you don't want to do that. When this baby is born, you need to be ready emotionally. It'll be an emotional moment for everyone, keep that in mind.

It isn't your fault Bianca. Let go of the past.