Gay Complex?

[Wolfelo]

Hi, so I have a question, or more so, I want to know if anyone else is like me... I am a girl, who ever since she was 7 can remember wanting to be a boy, while I do tend to cross-dress, I do not have a desire to bind my breasts or have people refer to me as a male. While i'd prefer to be a male, I know that I am not in a social setting. However on a sexual level I regrettably have developed something i've simply always refers to as a 'gay complex' I like guys, but I do not like guys in the way a straight girl would like a guy. I like guys as if I myself were a gay male. Every guy i've ever liked was either gay or bi. My friends joke that if someone is gay they will know cause I'll be attracted to them. This obviously doesn't bode well for me, cause gay guys obviously desire other males, so i'm kind of settled with the idea of being with a bi male, but I feel that my gay attraction to males is something to be ashamed of. I don't know any other girls who have a desire to be with a guy in a gay way so I have no one to talk to and i've recently begun having dreams about my best friend (who is bi and whom I am very attracted to) and I being together and then having his yell at me and tell me how disgusting I am.

It's really confusing, but if anyone else is like this, i'd love to hear how you handle being s different... I find it impossible to be with anyone cause I'm either afraid they will think me disgusting and leave me, or I end up having to get out o the relationship cause the guy ends up being homophobic or something. I've even tried turning my attention to females because I know I can at least be somewhat true to my nature if I'm in a relationship with a female, I can be 'the man' and take care of my partner. Anyways yeah, please don't criticize me, I do that enough to myself. Just some help would be nice, I don't know what to do or even how to look for someone who would share the same interests as me.

[Captor K]

I am gonna try to explain this as clearly as I can. I need sleep, so some of this may sound stupid.

What you are, from what I believe the case to be, is not a "gay complex," but simply transgender. I am very much a gay man, so I can't identify with what being transgender feels like, per se. I'll leave that to people on here who can give you better support. But basically, I have heard (and I am sure it is rather common) of Female-to-male transgenders/sexuals becoming straight men or gay men, and vice versa. Being transgender is not necessarily fixed on who you want to have sex with, but first, how you identify your own gender (man, woman, etc). It's all kinds of complicated, and tricky as hell to understand, but that's the best I can explain it.

And second, from research and experience of people and sex, the scales of people's tolerance and acceptance ranges widely from open-minded to "OMFG, NO WAY JOSE!" Nothing is written in stone, so don't feel like a man (or woman) would not love you for being "different" in that way. Pansexuals, for example, can get attracted to anyone that fall inside and outside the gender binary (including transsexuals, gays and lesbians (even specifics such as butch girls and feminine men), intersex, and so on. Sexuality is very, very broad, and it's not this easy-to-understand, cozy little concept of "this or that."

So, overall, what I get from your problem (and again, I'm kinda slow because I am tired), is that you are a Female-to-male (transgender). You seem to, or do, identify - on the inside - as a gay or bisexual man.

I hope that made sense or helped you somewhat. I'm gonna go take a nap now.

[Wolfelo]

Thats was actually exceptionally helpful, thank you =)